


The Patakis

by SatanSpeaks



Category: Hey Arnold!
Genre: Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Friendship, High School, Slow Burn, Teen Angst, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:21:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 64,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21775933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SatanSpeaks/pseuds/SatanSpeaks
Summary: Helga tells Bob exactly how she feels. Why can't she do the same with Arnold? Arnold is still getting used to living with his parents. He feels like he doesn't belong anywhere. Rhonda wants to become the most-popular girl in school. Harold just wants Rhonda back. And the rest of the gang has their own stuff going on.
Relationships: Helga Pataki/Arnold Shortman, Phoebe Heyerdahl/Gerald Johanssen
Comments: 18
Kudos: 29





	1. Helga's Room

**Helga's Room**

**Sophomore Year - September**

"You don't even know anything about me!" Helga shouted at her father.

"That's not true." Bob pleaded, trying to keep peace. He was trying to placate her. He thought she should just be okay with the way things were. "I know everything about you." He expected her to just do what Patakis do, bury their feelings and never talk about them.

Helga wasn't going to let the blowhard get away with it. He thrived on the status quo. She walked right up to him and stuck her finger into his chest. He was still five inches taller than she was at 15, but that made her pretty tall for a teenage girl.

"Oh yeah? What's my middle name, Bob?" Helga seethed.

"It's-" Miriam started.

"Don't you fucking help him!" Helga shouted.

Miriam looked down and took a big gulp of her 'smoothie'. Today was the one time she wasn't passed out on the couch. She usually drank all day to completely check out of her life. She probably had no idea what day of the week it was, much less even what month.

"I know what it is." Bob explained. "It starts with a J."

"Oh Bob..." Miriam hit her face with her palm and took another gulp of her drink.

"It's..." He looked down at Helga's legs. "Jean." Unbelievable.

"Jean? Because I'm wearing jeans?" Helga couldn't take it anymore. "It's Geraldine! With a G!"

"See, I was close."

"You're the biggest asshole I know!"

"Oh yeah, and you're a real peach."

"I'm leaving!"

"Ha! I'd like to see that."

Helga gave Bob one last death-stare and stomped up the stairs to her room.

She retrieved two large suitcases from the hall closet and started filling them with her stuff. One suitcase was quickly filled with clothes and bathroom stuff. She put her books, laptop, and various other things in the second.

It wasn't quite full. She had to leave room for her 'Arnold' stuff. The shrine wouldn't fit, but she did have an entire box of pictures, poems, and stuff that reminded her of him.

Her favorite thing in the world was one of Arnold's shirts. He thought he had lost it when their group of friends went to the beach over the summer. Helga had snuck it into her bag. Since then, she slept with it every night, sometimes wearing it, sometimes cuddling it like a teddy bear.

Taking an involuntary whiff of his lingering scent, Helga wondered what Arnold was doing. He was always up to something new and interesting. It had to be much better than her boring 'normal' life. She hoped he was okay. He got himself into trouble sometimes and needed her help to get him out of a jam. She loved that football-headed idiot.

He didn't know it, but she wished he would take her into his arms right there. Kiss her, hug her, put a hand on her shoulder to let her know someone was there for her, anything. She had to settle with smelling his shirt. When she did, she could feel his warmth fill her entire being.

Miriam stumbled into Helga's room at some point to disturb her reverie. "Helga, here's what you need to understand about your father..." She tripped on nothing and passed out on the floor. Her 'smoothie' splattered all over the carpet.

Helga sighed. She really was done with this house, this entire family. She lifted her mother up and put her in the bed. Helga thought about the irony that she needed to 'mother' her own mom. "Good night, Miriam."

She took one last look at the room she grew up in and switched off the light.

Stomping down the stairs, she noticed Bob in his stupid recliner in front of the tv. He had a few more words for her. "You're really leaving, huh," He snarked. "Good luck."

Bob was trying to get under her skin. Trying to get her to cry. But Patakis don't cry and Helga was far from crying.

Helga had three final words for him to let him know how she really felt. "I hate you." She slammed the door behind her.

"You'll be back!" Bob shouted through the walls of the building. His voice boomed down the block. "You always come back!"

It was true, more or less. Helga had tried to leave home in 6th grade, but she didn't have anywhere to go. It turned out to be a weekend at Phoebe's. When she went home, Helga's parents hadn't even noticed she had been gone.

The September air was getting steadily cooler. Helga carried her two suitcases down the street. She already knew where she was going. Phoebe's house was only a block away. When Helga knocked, Phoebe, herself, answered the door.

Phoebe's 15th birthday was in less than a month. She was no longer that tiny mouse. The poofy sweater was gone, replaced with something... tighter, more form-fitting. It was barely long enough to reach the short pleated skirt she wore to show off her legs. She wasn't as tall as Helga was, but Gerald was a lucky boy.

"Greetings, Helga. Why are you carrying suitcases?" Phoebe asked.

"Hey Phoebes. I can't live with Bob anymore. I had to move out. Do you mind if I stay with you?"

"I apologize, Helga. I would love it if you stayed in my room, but my parents will not allow me to entertain an extended visitor."

Helga sighed, it was a long shot anyway. "Okay, I understand." She turned to leave.

"See you at school tomorrow?" Phoebe asked as if she hadn't just abandoned her best friend.

"Not if I die," Helga answered as she turned and marched down the street. Why did she say that? Phoebe was her best friend, well her longest best friend anyway. And it wasn't her fault. Why did she always feel the need to hurt the people that love her. She needed to get out of there before she stuck her foot further into her mouth.

Helga had one more option. When she got to the corner she pulled out her phone and texted her other best friend.

[Hey. I moved out. Long story. Can I stay with you tonight?]

[I'm ever-so sorry, Helga. My parents won't let me have a sleepover on a school night. I'm certain you should try Phoebe.]

[She can't let me stay either. And it's not a sleepover. I need a new place to live.] Helga typed it out in anger.

Lila's response came when Helga got a few blocks away. [I can't believe you're really doing it. You're so brave. What will you do?]

Helga had no idea. She had saved some money from working at Bob's Electronic Emporium. But not enough to rent a motel room for more than a few days. Still, she refused to go back to Bob's house. She would never go back there. She couldn't go back. Giving him the satisfaction would kill her.

[I guess I'll just live in the park.]

She stuffed her phone back into her pocket and looked at where she was. Arnold's street, right in front of his house. The bright orange of the Sunset Arms practically beamed at her.

"Ugh!" There she was with two suitcases and nowhere to go. And her subconscious thinks it's a good idea to stalk her crush. It had to have been the shirt. When she got to thinking about him, it was impossible to stop. She had to see him. She was actually surprised she hadn't plowed into him walking with her nose in her phone. That happened a lot.

The green door opened and Arnold emerged. Her wish had come true, the universe was fair after all. Helga swooned, forgetting everything else.

He was no longer that little boy she had fallen in love with. He still had that cute football-shaped head, but it had become... Helga couldn't describe it. More angular maybe. Those cheekbones made her knees weak. He still had his signature sandy blond hair. It was wild, no longer tamed by his baseball hat. He had stopped wearing it sometime in 7th grade.

Had his shirt always been that tight? He wasn't wearing his signature flannel, instead he had a simple green t-shirt. She could swear she was seeing muscle. She wanted, more than anything, him to sweep her up in those arms and carry her away. She longed to bury her head in that chest.

Helga's heart soared at the sight of him. She had been in love with him for twelve years. She also bullied him all that time. She hated herself for not being able to be honest about her feelings. But, she had a reputation to keep.

Helga was known as the toughest person in their group. Even Harold was a baby compared to her. Someone had to keep the boys in line. It was all she had, her entire identity. What was she supposed to do? Give it up and just be 'Arnold's girlfriend'? She didn't want that. Why couldn't she just be Helga?

She and Arnold needed to talk about it. Helga just could never find the words. She had tried so many times since their trip to San Lorenzo. Whenever she tried she always just called him an 'idiot' or shoved him to the ground and ran away. He probably thought she still hated him.

It had been years since she last told him she loved him. So many years since her first real kiss (though her first fake kiss was also with him in Romeo and Juliet). And in all that time she had only been mean to him. Ugh! She mentally kicked herself. So much lost progress.

For not the first time, she resolved herself to walk right up to him and tell him everything. She told herself 'this time I mean it', just like all those other times. Except that she really meant it this time.

She strode up to him as he put the box he was carrying into a moving van that had appeared out of nowhere. It had to be a tenant moving out. Yeah that was it.

"Arnold." She called to him. "What's going on?"

"Hey, Helga." He smiled that smile that melted her heart even when it wasn't pointed in her direction. "I'm moving."

Helga's entire being fell into a bottomless pit. "Moving!? You can't move! You can't!" Helga grabbed him panicking. "There's so much- I- NO!"

He couldn't move. She was actually going to tell him. Right now. Soon at the very least. He couldn't move. She would die without him. She needed him to save her from herself.

She clutched onto him so tightly she could barely breathe. She wouldn't let him go. If she never let go, he couldn't leave her. She could spend her entire life holding onto him for dear life right there on that sidewalk.

He tried to pull her off of him, but her iron-grip never failed her. "Don't worry. My parents got a place only five blocks from here."

'Five blocks'. The words repeated in her head. Helga let go of him and backed away. "...oh."

"I didn't know you cared, Helga."

"I don't! I mean- ugh!" She dropped just telling him and went back to being his bully. "If you left, I'd have to find a new victim. And Harold doesn't deserve that." As Helga was trying to figure out what else to say, Arnold's grandpa, Phil, came out of the house with another box.

"These don't look like your suitcases, Short-man." He was inspecting Helga's luggage.

"Those're... mine..." Helga said.

"Why do you have suitcases, Helga?" Arnold asked.

"None of your damn beeswax, Football-head." She picked them up and continued on her way. She just needed to get out of there.

"So, you're the new cadet!" A voice from the top of Arnold's steps stopped Helga in her tracks. She looked at where the voice came from.

Arnold's grandma, Gertrude, stood in the doorframe dressed in an oversized military uniform. "Well, what are you waiting for!? Get up here!"

She grabbed Helga's arm and drug her up the steps and into the building, suitcases and all. She was strangely strong for an old lady. "Welcome aboard, Uh..." Arnold's grandma adjusted her glasses and looked her up and down. "What was your name again?"

"Helga Pataki?" Arnold's grandma was clearly on something.

Arnold tried to interject. "Grandma-"

"That's right! Cadet Pataki!" Arnold's grandma went on. "Captain Shortman is transferring to another battalion. You'll be responsible for all of his duties." She led her up the stairs. "Let me show you to your quarters."

She took her up to the second floor and lowered the stairs to Arnold's room. "It ain't spacious, but it's got a skylight."

Helga knew that. She had Arnold's entire room memorized. She could navigate it blindfolded. "Oh, I can't rent Arnold's room, I don't have enough money."

"You don't pay," Arnold's grandma cackled. "Room and board come with the job."

"What?"

"Grandma, Helga doesn't need a place to stay," Arnold explained. "She lives with her parents."

"Yeah... I..." Helga figured she should just come out and say it. "I can't stay there anymore. Big Bob and I got into a fight..." She tried to dig her shoe into the carpet. It didn't work very well. "That's why... suitcases..."

"Oh I see. I'm sorry to hear that, Helga." Arnold had genuine sympathy for her situation. "Well, it sounds like you can stay here. You know, until you get things sorted out with your dad."

Helga's heart skipped a beat. Arnold was actually listening and giving her a chance. Her love for him only grew in that moment.

"Let me show you around." Arnold was such a gentleman and carried Helga's suitcases up to his room for her without asking.

"Dinner is at 1800 hours sharp! And here's some proper headgear." Arnold's grandma threw a blue beanie up at her. She caught it. It was brand new. It still had the tags on. "That pink bow is pretty, but it isn't going to do much good when the bombs start falling."

She put the beanie on her head on top of the bow and finished climbing the stairs.

She was in Arnold's room. It looked smaller than it usually did when it was almost empty. All of Arnold's stuff must have been packed into the moving van. Only one box was left. But there was the bed, the desk, the flip-up couch. The room had a lingering Arnold scent that made Helga's knees weak.

"Have you ever been in my room?" Arnold asked.

She had, many times. But Helga couldn't remember if she had ever been in his room that he was supposed to know about. Well, there was that one time he caught her, but Arnold might still be in denial about that one. There was also that time before that, and the one before that, with the Campfire Lass outfit and the cassette tape in her mouth.

She hedged her bet. "I don't think so. But if I had, it was years and years ago." That was a lie. The truth was three weeks before, at the end of summer vacation. It was a stupid mix-up involving a particularly oblong watermelon.

"Okay. Well I promise the bed sheets are clean." Helga trembled at the thought that she would be sleeping in Arnold's sheets. Her cheeks warmed up on her face. "And here's the remote for the flip-up couch."

He picked up the last box and started descending the stairs. "Are you going to be okay here?"

He was so considerate. "Yeah, I'll be fine. Better than Bob's place." She was desperate to ask him to stay for a while and talk, but she knew he and his parents needed to unload their stuff at their new place.

"I know my grandparents are a little wacky, but-"

"Yes, Arnold, I'm familiar with Phil and Gertrude." Helga put her fists on her hips and gave him an annoyed look.

Arnold smiled. "See you tomorrow at school?"

"Yeah!" She replied a little too excited. Shit! She sounded over eager. She needed to tone it way down. "I mean, I'll see ya if I see ya." She turned away so he couldn't see how giddy she was. Had they actually had a cordial conversation?

"Cool." He started out the door. "Bye, Helga."

"Later, Football-head... And-" She caught him by the elbow. "Thanks." This was getting out of control. Helga had to slap the sense back into herself. She put her annoyed face back on. "Now get out of my room!"


	2. Arnold's Sunset

**Arnold's Sunset**

**Sophomore Year - September**

"Thanks." Helga smiled at Arnold like she did only once in a while. It had to be some remnant of her that remembered liking him. Her blue eyes shone brightly.

Helga was bathed in the afternoon sunlight that poured into his room. She wore a pink tank top that showed off the muscle in her arms and shoulders. She wasn't bulky at all but toned in a feminine way. The shirt hugged her waist, though not enough to see the abs he knew she was hiding. If Arnold could put his hands anywhere, he would snake his arms around her waist and pull her close to him. She usually wore a pair of loose fitting jeans and a pair of running shoes. God, Arnold could die staring at her legs. And she would absolutely kill him if she caught him staring at her chest, she had beaten up other guys for less.

She was also one of the smartest girls in their class. She took all AP courses and got straight A's without trying. She was also trying out for the volleyball team and took a dance elective. He had even danced with her a few times. It was frightening and exhilarating, like playing with fire.

And there she was, standing in his room like she owned the place, the devil, his tormentor. Arnold was in awe of her.

Helga's face turned sour, her eyes darkened and annoyed, looking slightly down into his. "Now get out of my room!" But right there, on the edge of her mouth, was a tiny piece of the smile she had given him. That had to be why he did it, why he was helping his own personal bully, that crumb of a smile he only got every so often. She hadn't told him she loved him in years, but some part of her still must have at least liked him.

She pushed him out of his room and slammed the door. Arnold could have sworn he heard a 'sigh' on the other side. He must have forgotten to close the skylight.

Arnold turned and walked down the stairs with his last box in his arms and approached the front door. All of the boarders were waiting for him, his family for the entirety of his life. He hugged each of them. Ernie told him he was like a son. Mr. Hyunh thanked him for everything. Oskar asked for money, Suzie smacked him on the back of the head. Even Mr. Purdy was there. It was perfect. He promised to visit often.

Arnold almost couldn't bring himself to say goodbye to the people who raised him. Grandpa played it off like it was no big deal, giving him a quick hug and tussling his hair. Grandma, still wearing an oversized military uniform, wished him luck in his new battalion and gave him a crisp salute.

Arnold stepped out the door and into his new life outside the boarding house. He loaded the last box into the moving truck and got into the cab. His dad was already in the driver's seat waiting for him, wanting to give him one last moment. His mom drove their car so they wouldn't have to come back for it.

"Once we get your room loaded, how about you grab a burger with your old man?" Arnold's dad looked at him expectantly.

"Sure, dad." The words 'mom' and 'dad' still felt weird coming out of his mouth. They weren't supposed to, but Arnold had never gotten used to them. It wasn't that he was used to calling his parents anything else. It was that he had grown up without them.

With that, Arnold's dad started the truck and pulled away. Arnold felt his eyes drawn to the orange building. He knew he could go drop in on his grandparents the next day after school, but he felt like he already missed the boarding house. It was dingy at times and constantly falling apart, but it was home.

The new apartment was the complete opposite of the place he called "home". It was shiny and modern and high, on the 22nd story of a residential tower. It was also empty... quiet. Arnold wasn't used to that.

Arnold's parents' book was on the best-seller list. People all over the world wanted to read about the adventures of a brilliant doctor and guy who was basically a real-life Indiana Jones. Arnold even got to write one of the last chapters of the book, detailing his adventure saving the Green-Eyed People and battling La Sombra with Helga and Gerald.

The book had started selling a few weeks before school started. Arnold's parents had more than enough to move out of the boarding house and into their own apartment. They said it would give them more privacy while still being close. They only moved a few blocks away so Arnold could go to the same school. His parents weren't going to uproot him.

Everything else had gotten normal, or as normal as things got in Hillwood. Arnold's mom got a job at a local biotech firm studying cures for diseases. Arnold's dad got a job as an archeology professor at the nearby University of Hillwood. It was all great. When he was younger, Arnold worried they were going to leave again. They'd fly away on 'one last job' and never come back. In the intervening years, they had proven to him they never would.

When Arnold and his dad arrived at the new building, his mom was already waiting for them so they could unload together. Arnold jumped right in to hauling boxes. It took two hours to get everything in. They didn't bring much furniture. Arnold's mom had ordered new furniture to be delivered the day before.

He and his dad got to the burger place, ordered, and sat down. "So, now that we're away from your mom, how are you doing with the ladies?"

"Not well..."

"Are there any hot chicks you got your eye on?" Sometimes Arnold felt like his dad treated him more like a younger brother, though, judging by Gerald and Jamie-O's relationship, maybe not.

"Not really." The less Arnold's dad knew about his crush on Helga, the better. Arnold was used to getting relationship advice from his grandpa. It was easier to hide who he was talking about.

"How's school going?"

"It's alright, I guess." Arnold wanted to talk, but he didn't have much to say. Was it always this hard?

His dad wasn't about to give up. "Hey, remember last summer when we got to explore that Mayan temple?" The summer before Arnold's first year in high school, his parents had taken him on an expedition in San Lorenzo.

"Yeah. That was cool how they positioned those stones just right to make it look like a snake was eating the sun on the solstice."

"The Mayans were big into astronomy." Arnold's dad took a sip of his drink. "There are a lot of astronomically-aligned sites all over the world. And you'd get to see them all if you became an anthropologist one day..."

Arnold liked the idea of traveling all over the world, learning new things about ancient cultures, and following in his father's footsteps. He grew up on tales of his dad's travels. And once he found his parents, he got to hear even more stories. But the more his dad talked about how he should do it too, the more it sounded... hollow.

Arnold's dad dropped him off in front of the new building. He left to go return the moving van to the rental company. Arnold rode the elevator up to the floor of the new apartment. He opened the front door and stood aside so that all the stray animals could escape. The stampede never came. That was going to take some getting used to.

"Hey, Arnold," his mom said. "Did you have fun with your dad?"

"Yeah," Arnold replied. "I'm just going to unpack my room."

"Okay." She was practically on his heels as he walked through the apartment, only stopping right outside his room to hang a picture in the hallway.

He closed the door to get some privacy and took a look at all the boxes. All of his possessions were supposedly packed up, ready to come out and make his new space feel like the old. The new room sported off-white walls, beige carpet, and smallish window. It sure didn't feel like his. After comparing his old stuff to the new room, he felt like he needed to get out.

She was still right outside his door when he came out, only now she was folding laundry. "Hey, Arnold."

"Hi, mom."

"Are you okay?" Arnold's mom was always asking if he was okay, and he never knew how to respond. It was like she used merely seeing him as an excuse to talk to him. She put her hand on his forehead. Years of this routine left him wondering if it was genuine concern or just an excuse to touch him. "You don't look so good."

"I'm fine." He waved her off. "I'm just going to go get some air."

"Okay..." Arnold almost got out the door without any more questions. "Why aren't you talking? Is something wrong?" Ugh. Why couldn't she just believe him when he told her something? He was trying really hard not to be frustrated.

One of her favorite things was asking about what he was doing. She did it all the time, harping on every tiny detail. Whatever his answer was, it was never good enough for his mom. To her, he could always be doing more. He should be working at the natural history museum or getting more extracurricular activities for his college applications, not 'wasting time' with his friends. She made him feel like he was doing something wrong whenever he talked to her. And her, standing right outside his door didn't help.

Arnold did not feel 'at home' in the new apartment. He just needed time. "No... I'm fine." Arnold said in his most-neutral tone. He didn't let her ask again and pushed through the front door.

It was too much, Arnold was suffocating.

He found his way to the roof of the building. It was much higher than the roof of the boarding house. A cool breeze and bright orange sky greeted him. He was up so high, he could see the whole city, the bridges that led downtown, Elk Island, even good old P.S. 118. The setting sun hung just over the buildings.

Helga would love this. She could probably compose an entire poem right there. He had seen her do more with less.

There Arnold went, thinking about Helga again. She invaded his mind at least ten times a day. She was hard to avoid when they shared half of their classes, Physics, English, and Algebra. The only classes he had without her were History, Spanish, and a business marketing elective Gerald had convinced him to join.

He found himself searching for her. looking down at all the buildings below. Cars went on their way, advertisements flashed brightly, people muddled around, but Arnold was on a mission. He found the freeway that ran right behind the boarding house and looked for his orange building.

He couldn't see the front, but he saw the roof, the water tower was a dead giveaway. His skylight was right next to it. He could almost see inside, it felt like he was watching Helga from far away.

He often did that when he wasn't paying attention. His eyes would find her in class or he would watch her in the halls from a long way away. Sometimes it was just her hair, a shoulder, a foot, but even with just a glance, he always knew it was her.

They still ran into each other all the time. She even sat right behind him in Algebra, much to his torment. Helga liked to kick his seat. At least it wasn't spitballs anymore.

Arnold and Helga still sometimes played practical jokes on each other. Other times they got into arguments, though 'arguments' was a misnomer. He would lay out his points in a calm manner and she would scream back at him, barely coherent but well-reasoned and always peppered with insults. Arnold loved her passion.

There was something about the way she did things. When she moved, she was deliberate and strong, like she had purpose. She was smart, artistic, and her body looked like a goddess's, chiseled from stone. And, god, she was tall. Arnold was finally catching up to her, he only had a few inches left.

Helga could also be still when she was reading. She would push her hair out of her face in so gracefully and delicately, you could almost think she might break. That was the side of her she never let anyone see, the side Arnold longed to know.

Most of the guys at school were intimidated by the pissed-off girl who's fists could dent a locker. The ones who weren't physically put-off and were actually brave enough to hit on her were easily dispatched by a series of complex insults. That was what kept Arnold at a distance. She often saved her harshest words for him. Every day she had a new, poetic phrase for how he was so dumb or clumsy or how weird the shape of his head was.

Helga was a good person, she just wanted to be left alone. Arnold was okay with that. He just wished she felt differently. Every once in a while she hinted that she really cared about him. Earlier that day in his room was only the latest example. But he got it. She had made it clear to him that she wanted to be friends, or was it enemies, but nothing more.

Just like Lila... and Wanda... and Ruth... and literally every girl he knew.

Arnold had never been good with girls. They did not like him. In fact, in middle school they practically ran away from him. In the 7th grade his school had a dance. He didn't have a date, but asked every girl there to dance. All of them turned him down. He never figured out why. The only girl who would dance with him, was Helga herself, and only then out of pity.

Arnold wasn't desperate, he wasn't lonely, just... unlucky. He couldn't have been a bad-looking guy, and the whole 'Legend of the Neighborhood' thing should have helped in the romance department. But none of that seemed to matter. In high school, being able to get a girl was the new way to prove yourself to the other guys or whatever. It wasn't fair that all the other guys were going on dates, leaving him behind.

At least girls who had gone to other middle schools talked to him when he finally got to high school, for a little while at least. Something must have happened in 7th grade that made all the girls avoid him. It could have been that time Helga pointed out that he was trying to hide an erection in history class. He couldn't help it. It was the first time she wore a miniskirt and she was sitting right next to him. The entire school laughed at him for weeks, he would have rather gone to school in bunny pajamas. He doubted anyone had forgotten. Years later, the nickname 'Boner-Boy' loomed over his head like a dark cloud.

The sun had fallen behind the buildings on the horizon and Arnold released a sigh. It was probably time to go back in. He could unpack, then maybe his new room wouldn't feel like an alien planet. He just had to grit his teeth and get through the process.

"Always fly toward the sun."

A long time ago, he watched Pigeon-Man fly away during a sunset. He still sent Arnold pictures of his travels around the world.

Arnold wished he could fly away. Maybe he could find somewhere he belonged.


	3. Helga's Schedule

**Helga's Schedule**

**Sophomore Year - September**

Helga stared at the solution she had created, hoping her formula would work this time. The liquid in the test tube turned from a cloudy yellow to a translucent green.

"You did it!" Arnold jumped into her arms. "You cured the Sleeping Sickness once and for all!"

"No. We did it, my love." Helga looked into his wild green eyes. "I would never have found the cure if you hadn't fought off those robot tigers."

Arnold wrapped his arms around Helga's waist. She could smell his scent, cedar wood with just a hint of manly musk. She closed her eyes and brought her lips closer to his.

Helga's alarm went off, shattering her dream. She found her nose buried in Arnold's shirt feeling better than she had in a long time. The air was fresher, birds were singing, and the bed radiated Arnold's warmth. She hugged the pillow as if it was him, vowing never to leave.

She turned off the alarm and forced herself out of bed for some exercise. Her routine consisted of push-ups, sit-ups, and lots of squats. She even did pull-ups on one of the beams that ran across where the ceiling should have been.

By the time she made her way downstairs to take a shower, a line for the bathroom had formed.

"New girl, back of the line!" one of the residents said. She didn't know his name. Helga hadn't had time to meet them all at dinner.

It was too early to deal with this shit, so Helga went downstairs to scrape together whatever she could for breakfast. Something smelled good coming from the kitchen. Gertrude was already cooking.

"Morning, cadet," Gertrude said without looking at who had entered the kitchen. "I see you've already completed PT. Sit down and I'll fetch you some chow." Helga didn't know how to respond while Gertrude piled eggs, toast, and bacon onto a plate. "Early bird gets the worm."

"Pookie, you didn't actually cook with worms, did you?" Phil asked, walking into the kitchen.

"Not today. It hasn't rained yet," Gertrude responded, handing Helga the plate.

Helga was confused as to weather eating worms was an actual risk or not. "Thanks, Gertrude."

"I'll have your lunch ready for you before you set off to school."

Helga didn't believe it. Dinner last night, breakfast this morning, and lunch later today? Was there going to be a guaranteed dinner that night too? It was all too good to be true. Miriam could only bring herself to make one meal a day. Helga had to make the other two meals herself, and only if there was anything in the house to begin with. Gertrude would probably forget, but at least she had an excuse to be forgetful. Then again, it wasn't like Miriam actually forgot, she was too drunk to think in the first place.

Helga sat down at the table and ate. Phil sat next to her with a cup of coffee and the morning paper. Helga didn't know people still got the paper delivered.

"So, how'd ya sleep?" he asked.

"I slept great." Helga responded with a mouth full of food. "Need me to do anything before I leave?" Arnold's grandparents hadn't given her any chores yet.

"No, not yet. Gutters'll need cleaning before too long, but you just get off to school."

Helga finished her meal. "Okay." She went back upstairs to find the line for the shower had disappeared. She retrieved her bathroom stuff from her room and jumped in. The water wasn't warm, but it wasn't cold either. She was used to that situation in the gym showers at school.

Helga got out of the shower, blow-dried, and brushed her hair. She got dressed in her usual clothes, blue jeans, a pink top and a pair of running shoes. She looked at herself in the mirror and got an idea for how to thank her magnanimous savior. She practiced the move in the mirror a few times until she was confident in her ability to pull it off.

Helga's signature pink bow tied her hair back and her outfit was complete. She practically jumped down the stairs and ran out the door.

"Don't forget your lunch, cadet!" Gertrude called as Helga passed. She held out a brown paper bag that looked like it had more than shaving cream and a packet of saltines in it. "You'll need your strength for Basic Training."

Helga opened the bag, there was actual food inside. She heard Gertrude earlier, but she didn't actually believe it. She stopped and gave Gertrude a big hug. "You're the best."

Gertrude returned the hug with a grandmotherly touch. "Thank you, dearie. Give my regards to Captain Shortman and Lieutenant Johanssen." She was downright lucid. Miriam hadn't been all there for years.

Helga resumed running out the door and headed for the bus stop. She found the exact amount she needed for the fare in her pocket. Gertrude was a cleaver old lady.

When Helga got to school, she found Phoebe and Lila whispering at her locker.

"Helga!" Lila said with Phoebe turning around.

"Hey guys, I'm sorry about yesterday."

"It's okay." Phoebe said.

"Helga, you have nothing to be sorry about." Lila explained. "We feel like we failed you as friends."

"Did you really move out or were you forced to return?"

"I'm out for good this time. I didn't even have to stay in the park, I found a place."

"That's oh so good news! Where?"

Helga blushed. "I'm actually staying at Arnold's house... In Arnold's room."

"You're staying with Arnold!?" Lila grabbed Helga's hands and bounced with glee. Since they had become friends, Lila had fully supported Helga's crush. She tended to let herself go every once in a while, only around her two best friends, but still.

"I wish! No, not like that," Helga said, trying to calm Lila down. "He moved out and I moved in. I can stay. I just have to do his chores as long as I'm there."

"That's amazing!" Phoebe was always more calm and measured when it came to Helga's obsession. "But to where has Arnold relocated?"

"His parents got a new place just a few blocks away." Helga opened her locker and started retrieving the books she would need for class. "He'll probably be around a lot to visit his grandparents."

"And you'll have so many excuses to hang around him." Lila didn't stop bouncing. "I'm glad you got out of that house. I hate the way your dad treats you."

"I got lucky, Phil and Gertrude said I can stay as long as I need too. I'll have you guys over sometime soon." Helga closed her locker. "Do you mind doing me a favor?"

"Of course."

"I would oh so love to do you a favor, Helga."

"Help me move my Arnold shrine after school today?"

"Moving!" Phoebe winked. Helga chuckled. She and Phoebe were far past that stage in their friendship. Phoebe wasn't her sidekick anymore.

"Totally." Lila was a kindred spirit. They were two girls who couldn't be honest about who they liked.

"Hey, Hot-stuff," Phoebe said. Gerald had no doubt made his way over while the girls were talking. Helga rolled her eyes at Phoebe's greeting while Lila giggled. It was so cheesy, so cliche, so direct. They should just bang already and get it over with.

Helga couldn't count how many times the three of them had run into Arnold and Gerald, usually literally. All through elementary school, after Helga would finish a tirade about Arnold's head, a tiny "Hi Gerald," always squeaked itself out of Phoebe's mouth. By fifth grade she was openly calling him 'handsome' in front of everyone. Now she apparently called him "Hot-stuff".

Even though they had never been "official", everyone knew Gerald and Phoebe had been a thing since the summer before sixth grade. The extent of their relationship may have been holding hands, but they were exclusively holding hands.

"Hey, Phoebe." Gerald said. "Want me to walk you to class?"

Phoebe greedily grabbed his hand and they started walking. Helga and Lila both had to follow. The three shared first period English.

Sid and Stinky were standing in the halls doing nothing. Helga was hoping to pass them without incident.

"Hey, Helga." Sid was doing his best 'cool guy' impression. "Lookin' good." He clicked his tongue and gave her the double guns.

Helga rolled her eyes. "Dream on, fuckboy." Sid constantly hit on every girl in school, thinking they were all were into him. None were. If the kid kept it up, he was going to get hit on by Old Betsy while the Five Avengers held him in place.

"Hey there, Miss Helga, Miss Lila," Stinky said in a southern drawl. He was polite enough, he just held onto a lot of outdated sexist attitudes. Everyone had expected he and Lila to start dating because of the whole 'country' thing. Ever since he had given a "The way a boy should treat a girl" speech in eighth grade, she had avoided him like the plague.

Helga entered her English class. Her eyes immediately went to Arnold. He sat on the opposite side of the room. This would be the last time she would be able to see him until lunch.

English and History flew by. Helga went to the locker room to change for her third period dance class. The other girls in the dance room thought it was weird having someone like Helga there, but dance was something she really enjoyed. She had started with ballet as a child. Her parents had forced her because "that's what Olga did." She moved to modern dance in seventh grade. She loved how she could just let herself go, she didn't have the burden of being Helga Pataki for an hour.

"Hello, ladies!" called the only boy in the class. Eugene was still in their friend group, though lately he had been hanging out with his theater friends almost exclusively.

His confidence had soared when he came out of the closet early freshman year. His accident-prone nature disappeared overnight. He transformed into a highly-coordinated, not to mention flexible, dancer. Many girls in the class wanted to be his partner.

Dance went by all too quickly and she went to lunch. Helga retrieved her lunch from her locker and found Lila and Phoebe sitting with Sheena at their usual table.

Gertrude had packed Helga a pastrami sandwich, a bag of chips, and an apple. The woman had to be psychic. No drink, but Helga was more than used to the water fountains.

Among the random chatter, Nadine sat down with a tray of cafeteria food. Rhonda was not with her.

"Rhonda's not coming," Nadine announced, venom dripping from her voice. She knew they were going to ask. "She's hanging out with her senior friends today."

Nadine was still Rhonda's sidekick. Helga always wondered if it was because Rhonda couldn't dominate any other girl in high school or because the pair had so much history. Their dynamic indicated the latter, but Rhonda did go queen-bitch every once in a while, ordering Nadine around like a servant. Helga cringed, remembering how she used to treat Phoebe the very same way.

"That is strange," Phoebe said. "The junior and senior lunch isn't until next period."

"Don't worry, Nadine," Sheena said. "We can go to the AG building after we finish eating."

Sheena was more of a free spirit and talked about "the energy of the universe" like that was a thing. Every day she had something to say about how the rest of the group shouldn't eat animal products. Her passive nature kept her from physically stopping them. She was becoming more like the group grandmother, scolding them for this and that, but not being able to do anything about it. The two got along as long as Sheena kept her opinions to herself, but Helga could not say she was friends with her.

Helga practically inhaled her lunch, she surprised herself when she was done. The girls were still talking about whatever while Helga's attention passed to the guys at the other end of the table. There were only four of them, and Sid was talking about some rumor he heard about Wolfgang. She looked over and found Arnold looking right back.

She quickly turned away. Why was he looking at her? She took one more peak to find him looking at Sid while he explained some dumb situation. Suddenly, his eyes darted back to her.

"What?" Helga mouthed, shaking her head. Arnold's eyes turned back to Sid.

"Guys, look at my latest masterpiece!" Curly had appeared out of nowhere holding up a drawing of a naked anime girl lying on a sandy beach. He did not keep his love of hentai a secret, plus he was certifiably crazy. He usually spent lunch drawing disgusting pictures, showing them off when they were done. Sometimes the girls were holding swords, other times they contended with tentacles, but they always had ridiculously oversized breasts. It was more than a little gross.

"I'm really proud of this one, it took me over a week." The drawing Curly was showing them was the tamest she had seen so far. Stinky and Sid were practically slobbering and doing a bad job of hiding it. Arnold, to his credit, looked away.

"Curly, put that away. It's-" Gerald started, looking away and shaking his head.

"Perfectly fine!" Curly finished for him. "All the best parts are tastefully covered up." He wasn't wrong, still gross.

The girls shared a look with each other, got up, and walked away together. Helga may have had to walk elbow to elbow with Sheena, but she was welcome company compared to Curly.

Helga thought about dragging him outside and kicking his ass, but he would probably fall in love with her. It's what happened to Rhonda. That could have easily been why she didn't want the same lunch as him.

Nadine and Sheena left the group for the AG building, probably to do something with bugs. Helga, Lila, and Phoebe spent the rest of the period talking about a recent English assignment.

Helga wanted to get to her next class early, so she briskly made her way down the hall before the bell. The door to a janitor's closet opened, forcing her to stop. Harold, of all people, emerged, trying his best to be sneaky.

"Get out of my way, Pink-boy!"

Harold nearly jumped out of his skin. The guy was a 6 foot 5 inch baby. "I wasn't doing nothin' in there!" He pleaded.

"Oh my god! I don't care!" Helga walked around Harold as he slowly regained his fragile confidence. He said something about his "mommy" under his breath as she walked away.

Helga got to class before any other student. The teacher was sitting at his desk, grading papers. Good, now she had to prepare a gift for the greatest guy in the world. She had something she just needed to get off her chest.

She sat down in her seat, eyes trained on the door. Only one other student came into the room before Arnold. It was a perfect opportunity.

She pulled the neckline of her top down, just like she had practiced in the mirror. It was only enough to give Arnold a generous look, she didn't want to flash him. Arnold started toward his seat. She leaned over her desk to give him a perfect view of her chest while still making it look like she didn't mean to. She pretended to be reading a book so he would think she didn't notice when he beheld her form. Her tableau was the perfect blend of sexy and sophisticated. The best part was, nobody else would notice unless they got really close. It was all for him. All she had to do was hold that pose.

He was coming over. He had to be seeing it. Don't look, Helga. Just keep your eyes on your book. Bring it back as he gets closer so he can still see. Perfect!

Arnold sat in his seat in the desk in front of her without a word. Come on! How could he not say anything? He had to know that was a present just for him. She readjusted her shirt and bra without making it too obvious to the rest of the class.

He didn't say anything, nothing he did indicated he had noticed. He just looked through his notebook. Why wasn't he talking to the woman who just made it especially obvious she was into him? He could be so obtuse.

Notice Me! Notice Me! NOTICE ME!

Helga kicked Arnold's desk with a little bit more force than she meant to. Arnold's desk slammed into the one in front of his, knocking it over. The people trickling into class all saw an embarrassed Arnold scrambling to fix the desks.

He sat back down and he still hadn't said anything. The nerve of some people. She brought her foot back to kick his desk even harder when he finally spoke. "Hi, Helga." Score! He said something. She placed her foot back onto the floor.

Just play it cool, Helga girl. Let him come to you. "Hmm? Oh. Hey. Arnold." she said in a neutral tone.

"How was your first night in-"

He was interrupted by that damn bell. Ugh! Class was starting just when they were going to have an actual conversation.

Algebra took forever. The instructor just wouldn't shut up about polynomials. It was like it was his fetish or something. Eventually, he calmed down and gave the class their homework. Helga started working on it. Anything was better than thinking about how much she wanted to talk to Arnold. She wanted nothing more than to tell him about how her day was going and ask him about his.

Finally, the bell rang and Helga couldn't take it anymore. She had to say something to him. "I slept pretty well."

Arnold turned in his chair and watched her stand. He had that stupid, football-headed smile on his face that she loved so much. She had to pull it back a bit. "...Once I got over the smell, that is."

It was his turn to respond, but he wasn't saying anything. He was supposed to say something, right?

It didn't matter. It was the best interaction they had had at school in a long time. It could take her a year to win him over, she had time. She had to content herself with the idea that they would do even better the next day. "Later Football-head."

Helga walked out of the classroom only to be stopped at the door by Arnold's voice. "Hey, want to walk to Physics together?"

Why did he have such control over her being that he could stop her dead in her tracks with a simple question? "It's a free country, Arnoldo. I can't stop you from walking next to me."

They didn't walk holding hands, they weren't even very close to each other, but Helga's heart raced. As they made their way around the halls, he kept glancing over at her as if he was going to say something. And Helga wanted him to say something, anything really. He had her full attention. Maybe he was just waiting for her to say something.

They made it to their next class without speaking a word to each other. They took their seats and Helga got a good look at his face. Arnold had a strange smile, he was such a doofus.

Physics was a bunch of boring note-taking. At least French was interesting. Helga loved languages. She even held back after the bell to ask the instructor a few questions. By the time she was done, she was nearly late for volleyball practice.

She threw on her shorts and sports bra as quickly as she could. She made it to the line just before the coach started practice.

"Hey, Helga." Rhonda didn't look up from her phone. It figured that she needed that thing on her at all times.

Rhonda was Helga's volleyball doubles partner. Both were tall and quick, but they hadn't made the team yet. They had practiced together four days a week over the summer. Neither of them said it out loud, but they were trying to get as coordinated with each other as Arnold and Gerald were. It was difficult. They were extremely different people, yet they shared an aggressive attitude that none of the other girls in their group possessed. They worked well as a team when they got out of each other's way.

After stretching and warm-up exercises, Helga grabbed a ball and served it to the pair of girls on the other side of the court. Three touches and it came back. Helga went for it expecting Rhonda to set it up for her to spike. She just stood there, all fingers and elbows while the ball rolled away. Helga held back her frustration.

On the next rally, Rhonda hit the ball like a gangly child, with barely any forward motion and she fell over. Helga fumed back and forth reminding herself it was only a practice.

The ball came up again, right at Rhonda. It should have been an easy hit. But she got into a crouch and stayed there with her hands together.

The ball bounced, unattended, toward the other side of the gym. Helga couldn't take it anymore. "Rhonda, what the hell is wrong with you!?"

"I thought you were going to get it," she squeaked. That didn't make any sense. Rhonda didn't squeak. Who was this girl?

"It came right at you!"

Rhonda buried her face in her hands and moved into Helga's personal space. "Can I talk to you?" she practically whispered.

Helga and Rhonda were not best friends by any stretch. In fact, almost everyone thought they hated each other. But they had a much more friendly relationship than most might expect, off the volleyball court anyway. They never let their fighting get personal.

"Talk!? We're in the middle of practice!"

"Look, I- I just need..."

It was strange that she was getting personal with Helga. Nadine was a more obvious confidant. Now, whatever it was, Rhonda was making it Helga's problem. "If it'll help you get your ass out of this funk, fine." She grabbed her arm and drug her off the court. "What?"

Rhonda wrung her hands. "How do you choose between..." She looked Helga over. "different pairs of shoes?"

Helga cocked her head. Rhonda never needed advice about shoes. She constantly commented on everyone else's shoes whether they liked it or not. "Shoes? That's why you suck today?"

"Yeah, like how do you, Helga, choose between running shoes and... combat boots?"

Helga rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "That was one time, Rhonda!"

"I know. What I'm asking is, how did you know you wanted to wear running shoes all your life? How did you know combat boots weren't for you?"

That was the weirdest question Helga had ever heard. "Running shoes are easier to put on. Boots are more work," she said tiredly.

"Okay, but what if they both took a lot of work?"

"Then go with the pair that's more comfortable, you're gonna be wearing them a lot, right?" Helga answered in a mocking tone.

Rhonda's eyes widened as if she just had a stunning realization that might change her shoe-game forever. "You're a genius, Helga."

"Doi!" Helga snorted. Whatever Rhonda had going on, it wasn't about shoes. She didn't even say anything about fashion over function. Right then, Helga didn't care. She just wanted to make the team. "Can we play now?"

Rhonda sighed, rolling her eyes in response.

Volleyball practice went much better after that, Rhonda was much more focused. It had to be something to do with her new friends. Rhonda had been spending time with seniors since school started. Apparently they had accepted her. It probably didn't hurt that she was rich.

They came out on top in doubles and did pretty well in the six-person teams.

After changing, Helga texted Phoebe and Lila to meet her at Bob's. She stopped over at the boarding house to grab a suitcase she could use to move her shrine. When she got there, Lila and Phoebe were already waiting for her.

Helga unlocked the door and crept into the house. It was quiet, Bob couldn't have been around. He usually worked until 7. Miriam, always crashed out on the couch with a bottle of vermouth in her hand, was nowhere to be found.

The trio quietly made their way into Helga's old room. It was untouched from the day before. The big red 'smoothie' stain festered on the carpet.

Helga looked at the effigy of Arnold in her closet, burnt out candles, volumes of poetry, photos of him, newspaper clippings about his adventures. "I think I went too far..."

"Too far?" Phoebe asked. "Helga, you have vehemently defended your obsession for years."

"Did something happen with Arnold today?" Lila was very observant when she wanted to be. "Did you kiss him?"

"No!" Phoebe and Lila shared a look. Helga grumbled. "He walked me to class, that's it."

Lila grabbed Helga and started bouncing.

"That's great!" Phoebe said. "I'm sure you'll be holding hands soon." Phoebe and Lila started making kissy faces at Helga.

Helga needed to turn this around. "Yeah. All we need to do now is find a guy for Lila and the three of us will be set."

Lila immediately stopped bouncing and glared at her friend. "Gross, Helga."

"I'll find the perfect guy for you," Helga continued. "Someone who knows what they want, and has an edge to him, and is a girl... I'm describing myself again, aren't I?" Helga smirked at Lila. Lila rolled her eyes while smiling knowingly. Phoebe couldn't help but giggle.

"Okay, time to get to work!" Helga said. "Let's throw away the effigy and candles. I'll keep the rest... You know, for posterity." Helga hauled the shrine to the dumpster while Phoebe and Lila packed the rest.

Back in Arnold's room, Helga went to work on a much more reasonable shrine. Christmas lights replaced candles and she taped the photos and newspaper clippings to the walls of her closet. Her poetry books laid in a stack.

Helga could finally relax. She was just getting into reading her assignment for English when her phone rang. Getting an actual phone call was weird. She looked at who it was and her phone said Olga. Her sister was an older millennial and still used her phone as a phone.

"Hey, Olga."

"Hey, baby sister." Olga was her usual over-enthusiastic self. "Daddy told me you ran away and didn't go home last night."

Helga rolled her eyes. "He actually noticed huh? Weird."

"So, are you staying at a friend's house or something?"

"Arnold moved out of the boarding house, so I'm renting his room."

"Arnold's the boy you have a crush on, right?"

"Screw you, Olga."

"Don't get defensive, Helga. It's secrets between sisters."

"Okay... I'm sorry." She genuinely was. Helga's relationship with her sister had greatly improved when she became a teenager. They had started to confide in each other.

"So, when are you going back home?"

"I don't think I will. I've got room and board here. Gertrude actually makes me a lunch every day."

"That's pretty resourceful of you. But family is the most important thing in the world, Helga."

"What's my middle name, Olga?"

"Geraldine. Your birthday is March 26. You're allergic to strawberries. At school, you're trying out for the volleyball team and you're following in my footsteps by joining the academic decathlon. You have a statue of that boy you like in your closet. And you have volumes of poetry dedicated to him. Your elementary school stuff is simplistic and straightforward compared to the prose you wrote last year. It's a little angsty for my taste. I borrowed one of your older books and I read it when I'm sad. Your writing has come a long way and I know you'll become a great writer someday. I just know it! How did I do?"

Helga was miffed that Olga had 'borrowed' one of her poetry books without her consent. "I love you too."

"See? Family is important, Helga."

"Yeah, Yeah." Helga started playing with the fibers in the carpet. "I just wish Bob and Miriam thought that."

"They do, they're just..."

"Old?"

Olga sighed. "That's a gross oversimplification."

"They just label me 'rebellious'. How is that any different?"

"Because we aren't them."

Helga knew what Olga meant, it just wasn't fair. "I don't want to be. I'm trying not to be..."

There was a long pause.

"So! What's my middle name?" Olga asked.

"Anne. Birthday, February 1st. No allergies. Piano prodigy at age ten, you also play the French horn. You won every spelling bee you entered in elementary. And in high school you used your free time to volunteer at the hospital. Let's get to the good stuff. You've been on birth control since you were sixteen. Bob and Miriam don't know. They also think you're a school teacher, but you're really a lingerie model."

"You knew all that?"

"Secrets between sisters, Olga. I'm actually wearing one of the bras I 'borrowed' from you right now."

"I love you too," Olga said. "Thanks for keeping it a secret. But I have to go. Now that you know, I'll just tell you. I'm on my way to a shoot. Bye, baby sister!"

"Bye, big sister." It was a good thing the call ended there. Helga could only take Olga's saccharine attitude for so long.

She went back to her book, but couldn't focus on the words. She had had a really long day. The purple pen she used to write all of her poetry came out and she wrote Arnold a sonnet. It helped Helga relax.

Helga went to sleep knowing they would be talking while walking from Algebra to Physics soon. She dreamed of holding his hand.

* * *

Arnold was having a terrible day. He had barely slept. His new mattress was too firm, it felt like laying on asphalt. His mom apparently didn't know he was taking Driver's Training as a zero period class. She practically threw a fit, complaining, "my baby boy is growing up too fast!" And finally, he missed the bus, so he had to run to school and he still made it three minutes late.

He walked into his fourth period, after another weird experience with Curly at lunch. He had a few minutes before class started. A person was shuffling in their seat and he found Helga. She was leaning over her desk reading a book like she was dead to the world. With the way his day was going, it had to be a trap. She was going to slam a cream pie into his face or stick a cockroach down his shirt. Maybe he left something embarrassing in his room that she was going to loudly show everyone. Helga was not a person to be denied. Whatever plan she had, she would go through with, one way or another. Arnold might as well get it over with.

Arnold watched her warily as he approached, ready for anything. When he got within arm's reach he saw it, the Holy Grail. Helga was wearing a tank top again, but this one was cut very low. He had a perfect bird's eye view of Helga's cleavage. The bra she was wearing must have been tiny, practically minuscule. Dear god, it was the miniskirt erection all over again.

Panic gripped him. He was staring. He couldn't stare and he couldn't look away. If she caught him looking, she would kill him, literally. There was a rumor around school that she had actually killed someone just for glancing at her the wrong way.

He sat down, and tried to play it off. Helga shuffled in her seat again. Arnold couldn't see what she was doing and hoped she wasn't preparing something awful. A minute went by while Arnold looked over his homework, desperately trying to think about something else.

Suddenly, his entire desk lurched forward with enough force to push his desk into the desk in front of him.

He did his best to quickly re-position the desks. He sat back down, wondering if he should acknowledge her.

"Hi, Helga."

"Hmm? Oh. Hey, Arnold." She said it like she didn't just kick his desk.

No follow-up. Arnold wondered if he should say anything. "How was your first night in-"

Arnold was interrupted by the bell. Everyone scrambled to their seats. Class started and the instructor explained some aspect of polynomial functions. One thing was missing, Helga didn't kick his seat again.

Before he knew it, the bell rang again, signaling the end of class. Arnold started packing up his stuff.

"I slept pretty well." Helga picked up the conversation from behind him, stood up and slung her backpack over her shoulder. "...Once I got over the smell, that is." She smirked at him but her eyes stayed soft. He expected her to elaborate on how he stunk.

"Later Football-Head." She walked away without going further, leaving Arnold behind.

Helga was different, more like the Helga he knew once. That hug on the sidewalk the day before couldn't have been a coincidence.

Arnold shoved the rest of his stuff into his backpack and caught her at the door.

"Hey, want to walk to Physics together?"

"It's a free country, Arnoldo." Helga shrugged. "I can't stop you from walking next to me."

He did walk next to her. They weren't arm in arm or anything, but they were together. She was with him. He wanted to tell someone how awesome it was, but she was the only one there and he couldn't tell her. She was Helga Pataki.

They got to Physics and he never got the guts to say anything. He kicked himself, but couldn't wipe the smile off his face. The day was going to be okay after all.


	4. Harold's Clothes

**Harold's Clothes**

**Sophomore Year - September**

Harold squatted right on the line with the other blockers. Torvald glared at him from the other side.

Suddenly, and without warning, Torvald started moving. Everyone on both sides of the line were moving. Harold didn't have time to do anything before Torvald knocked him over and went straight for Ludwig.

Harold still hadn't figured out what was going on before someone was yelling at him. "What the fuck is wrong with you, Lard-boy!?" Wolfgang marched right up to Harold.

"What?" Harold asked while he picked himself up off the grass.

"Wolfgang-" Ludwig started. He was going to address Harold directly, but Wolfgang held him back.

"No! You shouldn't have to deal with this, dude!" Wolfgang insisted. "Rest your arm a sec, I got this, bro."

Wolfgang turned back toward Harold and got right in his face. "Your job-Your only job-is to BLOCK for Ludwig!" Harold could smell Wolfgang's breath on his face, he must have eaten something with onions over lunch. "All you have to do is stand there! And you can't even manage that!"

It wasn't Harold's fault, he wasn't ready. Ludwig hiked the ball too fast. It was his fault Torvald tackled him. And blocking wasn't just "standing there". It was harder than that-

"Bergman! Off the field!" Coach shouted before Harold could even get a word out. He got Harold's last name wrong again. "Take five laps!" He didn't get why Coach was in a bad mood, they had their second game of the season on Friday. They had four whole days to practice until then.

"That fatass must weigh at least 500 pounds!" Ludwig laughed as Harold walked off the field.

"That's not true!" Harold whined. "I'm not 500 pounds." He looked down at his bulging stomach. It had always been like that. His jersey was kinda short, especially in the front. "I'm more like 350." That only made them laugh harder.

"No wonder he barely made the team!" Wolfgang shouted. Harold felt like a piece of meat. The ridicule followed him all the way off the field.

While Harold started running, the rest of the team started the next play with another blocker replacing Harold. The center snapped the ball and Ludwig handed the ball to Wolfgang. Wolfgang cut left around the defense and ran it into the end zone.

"Dude!" Ludwig shouted.

"Dude!" Wolfgang answered.

"Dude!" They said together. They slammed into each other in celebration.

Harold jogged slowly, huffing and puffing his way around the track. Other guys passed him while he kept thinking about his girlfriend. They only ever met in secret at school, and they never texted each other, despite the fact that she was always on her phone. They had met earlier that day in the janitor's closet.

The assistant coach caught Harold when he finished the five laps. "Did that make you mad?"

Harold groaned. The feeling he was about to be lectured came over him. "Yeah."

"You want to make running back next year?"

"Yeah."

"Then you need to work hard and prove yourself. You need agility. Its going to take a lot of work."

Adults always had these empty promises, things they would always say that weren't really true. Before his Bar Mitzva, Rabbi Goldberg promised him he would be seen as a man. Everyone at temple still treated him like a dumb kid, even though he was eighteen. His old teacher, Mr. Simmons, told him he could be anything he wanted to be. But that was a lie too. Harold just wasn't any good at science or math or dumb books.

The only thing he was good at was football. Harold had given everything he had during tryouts. All it had earned him was a position on the team as an alternate blocker. He had tried out for running back, but he couldn't run, not like the other guys. In fact, compared to Wolfgang, he could barely move.

"okay..." Harold muttered.

"Alright! Hit the field! Practice isn't over."

It was over, Harold didn't get any more practice in. The starting offensive and defensive teams never left the field. They traded out players here and there, but coach never called him back. He spent the rest of the afternoon doing push-ups and running laps. The assistant coach asked him to stay after practice to do even more running. Harold couldn't do it, he was way too hungry.

When he got back to the locker room, his normal clothes felt smaller than they had in the morning. The button on his pants wouldn't work. It was probably from them going through the wash too many times. His mom bought him really big shirts, but they always shrunk, riding up his belly.

He got into his car. It wasn't a sports car, it didn't have a leather interior, and it didn't impress anyone, but it was one of the few things he was proud of. Harold took good care of it, getting it washed every week. He was the only sophomore in school to have a car. Torvold was old enough, but the guy never passed his license test. Harold had passed, barely, and only after his fourth try.

Harold had to get something to eat before his shift at the butcher shop. He went to Slausen's and got a triple fudge sundae with everything on it. After eating the whole thing he was still hungry. So he went to Mickey's Dog Pound down the street and wolfed down four hot dogs with everything.

Finally, with his hunger sated, he pulled up to the butcher shop.

"You're late." Mr. Green gave his usual greeting when Harold walked in.

It was true, Harold was a few minutes late, but it wasn't his fault. He sighed and went to the back to wash up. He put on his apron and went to the front.

"We got a delivery today." Mr. Green said. "Grab a dolly and help unload the truck."

Harold went to the back and started loading boxes into the freezer. When he finished, Mr. Green had left him a list of orders to wrap in the back. He had them all prepared.

When all that was done, Harold got to work the counter. That was his favorite part of his job. Everyone who came in loved meat, just like him. Then, the later it got, the fewer customers were coming in and Harold had to sweep the floor. "I hate sweeping," he grumbled as he did it.

The shop closed at 9:00 and Harold spent a half-hour cleaning up. There were so many rules to cleaning. Mr. Green called them "health codes", but they were just dumb rules designed to make Harold think. Thinking too much hurt his head.

Finally, everything was done at 9:30 and Harold started out the door.

"Not so fast, Harold," Mr. Green said. "We need to talk."

Harold groaned. Mr. Green wanted to "talk" at least once a week. And it was always about the same thing.

"You were late every day last week. You were late Saturday, you were late yesterday, and you were late today." Harold couldn't look Mr. Green In the eye. "What does that say about you, Harold?"

"I was busy."

"Busy? With what?"

"Football practice was really long."

"That's supposed to end at 5:00 and I need you here by 5:30. I'm already giving you Fridays off for your games."

"Coach wants me to stay after practice for extra running." Harold didn't mention his stop for ice cream and the other stop for hot dogs.

"Look, Harold. You have come a long way with being a butcher. You know your meat and you're good with the customers." Mr. Green put his hand on Harold's shoulder. "You need to think about your future, son. If you want to make a career out of this, I need you here on-time and ready to work."

Harold groaned.

"I know you want to do football too. But you don't have time to do both. And football doesn't pay, not until you make it to the major league. And only the best of the best make it there."

Harold didn't want to give up football. The few minutes he spent on the field on game day last week were the best in his life. He had been working at the butcher shop as a paying job for three years. He still liked being around meat, but more and more it just felt like work. He also needed the money, his girlfriend hated cheap things on principle.

"What if I just work the weekends?" Harold pleaded.

"Weekends are fine, but I need help during the week."

"Okay," Harold resigned himself. "I'll be here on-time tomorrow."

Harold threw himself onto his bed when he finally got home. He started falling asleep until he found four little legs poking on his back.

"Hey Cupcake." Harold had inherited the cat from old Mrs. Ryle. He took the cat into his arms and stroked his chin. "Are you hungry?"

The cat looked up at him with big watery eyes and gave a quiet 'meow' as a response.

Harold put Cupcake on the floor near his food bowl and dumped a scoop of cat food into it. Cupcake immediately started purring and ate as if he was as hungry as Harold had been after school.

"That's a good kitty," Harold said, petting his tiny cat. He felt like Cupcake was his only friend in the world. His cat always wanted to see him and be around him and never asked him to do stuff.

Harold's own stomach started rumbling and he went to the fridge to see that his mom left him a big plate of tri-tip and some other stuff. There was a little note on it that said "I love you."

Harold took the food up to his bed to eat. He watched some dumb show that wasn't even funny while he ate. He wasn't listening to it, he was too busy thinking about his girlfriend again. They did normal couple stuff on the weekends, though, it always had to be in another town. She liked him for who he was, but she just wanted to keep their relationship a secret. He understood that. She was a classy girl and man she was beautiful. Sometimes he felt like she was the only good thing in his life... besides his cat of course. He patted Cupcake on the head. Cupcake curled into a ball in Harold's lap, purring loudly.

He rolled over and fell asleep when he finished eating.

* * *

After a dreamless night, Harold woke up to Cupcake standing on his belly, yowling.

"Okay! Okay! I'll feed you." Harold fed his cat and put different clothes on. He found a cleanish shirt on his bedroom floor. The collar was all stretched out and it still wasn't long enough. He didn't need to change his jeans, those were fine. All he needed was clean socks. His mom had put those into the top drawer of his dresser.

"Harold!" Harold's mom called. "Breakfast!"

"I'll be right back, Cupcake." And he ran to the table. His mom was already stacking pancakes onto his plate. His father was reading the paper.

"Good morning, Harold," his mom sang. "You came home so late last night, I didn't get to see you. How was your day at school?"

"Fine. I'm doing better in math."

"Aren't you re-taking the class you took last year?" Harold's dad asked.

"Jerry!" Harold's mom stood up for her son.

"I was only clarifying."

"He's doing fine. He knows he needs to keep a C-average to keep playing football."

Harold knew the "C-average" rule was one of those things that only applied to him. Ludwig never did homework and got Ds on all of his tests. But Hillwood High's star quarterback, somehow, always had that "C-average". It was the same with Wolfgang, Torvald, and the rest of the starters.

"How was your football practice? Did the other boys let you play?" Harold's mom asked.

"I ran a lot. I can't wait for the game on Friday."

"I'll do my best to make it, son." Harold's dad said. "I have a lot of work piling up at the office. Do you know if they're going to let you play?"

"Jerry!" Harold's mom said again. "And how was work, honey?"

"It was work," Harold groaned.

"I don't like that my son works at a butcher shop around all that pork all day," Harold's mom complained, just as she did every day. "Jerry, isn't there any way you can get Harold a job at your office?"

"We actually just hired a few temporary workers, but I'll do my best."

"I don't wanna do insurance all day," Harold cried. "I wanna play football!" Why was everyone always telling him what to do? His parents, Mr. Green, his coaches, his teachers, even Wolfgang. He got up from the table, even though he was still hungry, and went back to his room.

Harold looked at himself in the mirror. He was so frustrated about everything. School, football, work, everything was going to suck forever.

His girlfriend always told him he should dress nicer. He couldn't get new clothes right then, but maybe he could get his hair to look good. He tried running his hands through it, flinging it back and forth. After several minutes, he got it to look even worse. It looked like he was going bald. His hair was permanently messed up from wearing a hat all the time, so he resigned himself to wear it like he always did. Nothing was ever going to change no matter how hard he tried.

He petted Cupcake a few more times, put his shoes on, and grabbed his backpack.

"Did you brush your teeth?" His mom asked as he was leaving.

"Ugh, Mom. I'll brush 'em at school."

"Alright then. Have a good day, honey." Harold's mom kissed him on the cheek.

Harold got to school late again. Good thing his teachers didn't care. He couldn't wait for lunch even though he knew it would take forever.

When lunch finally came, he ordered as much food as he could and sat next to his friends, Stinky and Sid. He started eating without saying "hey". He had somewhere he needed to go.

"Hey Harold," Sid said. "Where have you been?"

"Busy," Harold managed between mouthfuls.

"You must be busy!" Stinky said. "Between football and yer job at the meat shop and..." Stinky looked at him funny. "What was the other thing again?"

"Tutoring," Harold answered.

"Yer tutorin' somebody?" Stinky asked.

"No, Stinky. He's being tutored." Sid answered for Harold. "He has to get good grades or they won't let him play football."

"Oh, that's right!" Stinky said. "Gee! You must be plenty successful doin' all those things."

Harold stopped listening. He was watching Nadine plop down with the girls at the other side of the table.

"Rhonda's not coming," she told the other girls. "Again."

The girls did their thing and none of them talked to him all that much. They would say "hi" in the hall sometimes, but that was pretty much it.

"She had better be at volleyball practice," Helga growled. Why was she always in a bad mood? She wasn't so tough. Everyone was way too afraid of her.

"Hell-Lo, ladies." Gerald and Arnold sat down between the girls and the rest of the guys with Gerald sitting between Arnold and his girlfriend, Phoebe. "And a special 'hello' to you, cute girl."

Phoebe giggled and made those googly eyes at Gerald. It wasn't fair, they didn't have to hide their relationship at all.

"I gotta get to tutoring," Harold told Stinky and Sid when he finished eating. He got up from the table and went to the bathroom. He got out his toothbrush and he brushed his teeth like he was told.

Washing his mouth out ten times didn't get the horrible mint taste out. He couldn't taste the food he had eaten anymore. It left him feeling empty.

Harold waited in the hall until he couldn't see anyone. Once it was clear, he went into the janitor's closet and closed the door. The light was off and he couldn't see anything. He could tell she was there with him, the air smelled like her perfume.

"We need to talk, Harold." Rhonda sounded mad.

Harold groaned. He was going to get talked to again. It was never good when someone wanted to talk to him.

Rhonda shuffled a bit and flipped the light switch. She stood there wearing a red shirt, a short black skirt, and those black high-heeled shoes he liked. She was gorgeous among the mops and brooms, a scowl on her face and her arms crossed.

"This needs to stop," Rhonda said. "It isn't easy or fun anymore."

"But, Rhonda, I brushed my teeth like you told me to."

"Things have changed. This..." Rhonda gestured to the janitor's closet they were standing in. "Is no longer working."

"We can make it work!" Harold was panicking. "Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it," he cried.

"I don't know, Harold... You would need to change everything about yourself. Everything."

"okay... like what?"

"These clothes, they're unacceptable. You're on the football team... as a lineman. Disappointing."

"I have a car."

"Look, maybe a car is good enough for other sophomore girls, but I am Rhonda Wellington-Lloyd. Do you know what that means?"

"Yes," Harold said dejectedly. She had told him a thousand times, and she was going to tell him again.

"It means that only the best is good enough. Are you the best, Harold?"

"No. But I'll get better," Harold started. "I'll dress nicer. I promise. I'll go shopping this weekend." He didn't know how he was going to do that while working his shift at the butcher shop. But he wasn't thinking about that. He needed to do anything he had to do to keep Rhonda.

Rhonda hrumphed. "You clearly aren't even trying. Did you take a shower this morning?"

"I'll try!" He couldn't lose her. Rhonda was the best thing in Harold's life. "I promise!"

Rhonda's face softened. "Look, Harold, I really like you. You're easy to hang out with, you're a surprisingly good kisser, and running around with you, hiding our relationship from everyone, has been thrilling. But I plan on climbing to the top of Hillwood High's social ladder this year. You are only going to hold me back from that goal."

Mr. Green's speech about Harold's future rang in his head.

"So what!? You're going to be popular!? Then what!? Where- Where's that going to get you after high school!?"

"You're asking me what will connections with all of Hillwood's richest and most influential people will get me?" She asked the question like the answer was obvious.

"That's a bunch of dumb high school kids," Harold argued.

"Popular students have influential parents, Harold. And they, themselves, move on, from high school, to Ivy League schools. Princeton is my family's alma mater. I'm going. We donated a building."

She really was breaking up with him. Nothing he could say or do could change her mind. He always knew he was lucky to just be with her, but he thought... well he didn't know what he thought. He had always hoped she saw him better than he was. Apparently, he was wrong.

"I'm having a sudden realization that my feelings for you are just left over from a childhood crush. A warm nostalgia that I should have outgrown long ago." Rhonda put her hand on the doorknob and turned off the light. "One last kiss for old-times sake." She kissed Harold on the cheek. He had a tiny spark of hope that she wouldn't leave.

Rhonda was already gone. As per their agreement, Harold would wait a few minutes before leaving himself. So he just stood there with the lights off. He couldn't even force himself to move. He wanted to die right there in the closet. Even more, he wanted to disappear, to dissolve into a pile of dust. The janitor could just sweep him up and throw him away. Rhonda already had.

Harold didn't dissolve. Time didn't stop. The bell rang like it always did. He wasted all of his lunch period standing in a closet.

Out of habit, Harold emerged from the closet. The bell meant he had to get to class. All he felt was his heart aching for Rhonda and a powerful need to sit down.

The hall was full of other kids running around. Nobody noticed the weird fat guy come out of the closet. They probably all thought he was the janitor anyway. He started making his way across the school.

"Hey Harold." It was a voice he hadn't heard in a long time. He stopped to look at his friend, Patty. She was a senior and had a different lunch period than he did.

"Hey Patty," Harold managed. She hadn't grown at all in the past few years. She was still as short as she was in sixth grade, back when they were the same size. Now he towered more than a foot above her.

"Is something wrong?" she asked.

"No." There was a long pause. Harold wanted her to ask if there really was nothing wrong, but she didn't. He would probably just tell her 'no' again anyway.

She looked at his letter jacket. "Looks like you made the football team."

Harold looked down at that little football patch on his chest. His mom had sewed it on for him the day he earned it. "Yeah, it's no big deal. I'm not a starter or anything."

"No, it's cool. You worked hard and made the team. Good job."

"Thanks." Patty had her own letter jacket, but her patch looked like two guys hugging. "What's yours for?"

"I made the wrestling team."

"Oh yeah? Cool!" Patty was a tough girl, not like Rhonda at all. "So are you going to wrestle guys too?"

Patty chuckled. "Yeah." She smiled at him. Harold felt a lot better, good even. "Hey, I gotta get to class. Maybe I'll see you around?"

"Yeah."

"Cool." Patty walked in the opposite direction Harold was going.

He was late to class, but he didn't care. He couldn't stop thinking about what Patty said. She said him being on the football team was cool. And the other guys were better, but Harold was still on the team. And the assistant coach said he could get a better position if he trained really hard. And Mr. Green said he should think about his future. And Rhonda said he could get her back, he just had to become the best.

Harold didn't know what he wanted to do as a career. He just knew he wanted to play football.

At practice that day, he put all of his focus onto what he was doing. No one got around him and he did his job. He didn't mess up once. Wolfgang didn't even yell at him. Coach did, but he yelled at everyone.

Harold even stayed after practice for extra running. He raced to the butcher shop, only stopping to get a small snack at a convenience store. He went to work hungry.

"You're late, Harold."

"Sorry, Mr. Green." Harold tried to be as enthusiastic as he could. He went to work right after washing his hands. Work was the same as always, it felt like the longest day even though it was only four hours.

"Mr. Green, can I talk to you?" Harold asked when work was over.

Mr. Green stopped what he was doing and looked at Harold. "Yeah, I guess we need to have a talk again."

"I know what I want to do." Harold declared.

"You do, huh?" Mr. Green looked at him expectantly.

"Yeah. I want to focus on football."

Mr. Green shook his head.

"I know you don't agree with that. But it's the right decision for me."

"Don't you want to be a butcher?"

"Yeah, but I've been doing that for three years. I want to do football for now," Harold explained. "The season is over before Thanksgiving. And I don't know if we'll make the playoffs, but even if we win the state championship, I'll be able to come back before New Year's."

Mr. Green sighed. "I understand this is important to you. Believe me. I understand." He stood up and extended his hand. "Good luck, Harold."

Harold shook his mentor's hand. "Thanks, Mr. Green." He left the shop without anything more to say.

Arnold was right across the street when he left. He was looking at his house and not going in.

"Hey Arnold."

"Hey Harold."

"What're you doing?"

"Uhh... nothing." He started walking away. "I was just leaving."

"Oh, right! You moved, huh."

"Yeah..."

"Do you miss your old place or something?"

"Yeah. I really do."

Harold started getting into his car. "Yeah, well... maybe your new place is better."

"Yeah, maybe," Arnold said. "See ya, Harold."

"Later, Arnold."

Harold drove away from Green Meats, but he thought about what he was going to do. He was going to be the best running back Hillwood High had ever seen. He was going to dress better and wear shirts that actually fit. He was going to get Rhonda back.


	5. Rhonda's Game

**Rhonda's Game**

**Sophomore Year - September**

Rhonda gave the school's office secretary the permission slip her parents had signed. In less than a minute, she would be enrolled in 4th period Business Law which was only offered during the freshmen and sophomores' lunch period. That would force the school's administration to let her eat lunch at the same time as the juniors and seniors. It was the first step of her plan to climb to the top of Hillwood High's social ladder.

One of the best ways to succeed is to study an example and work your way down. Not only will it tell you how they got to the top, but it will show how you can get there yourself.

The queen of the school was a senior named Mary Margaret. The adults all saw Mary as the most-perfect girl there ever was. Besides being absolutely gorgeous, she was the cheer captain of Hillwood High, she had started six clubs in the last year, and she was a shoe-in for class president.

But Mary didn't get to the top by playing nice. Oh no, Mary got to where she was by destroying everyone in her way. Bullying, sleeping with other girls' boyfriends, even getting students transferred to other schools, nobody but her knew all the details. All the adults just thought she was lucky, but she wasn't, she just did what she had to do. By the start of her junior year, she was queen of the entire school and she made sure everyone knew it. She spent all of her junior year eliminating anyone who wouldn't play ball.

Mary's accomplishments were all fake too. Those six clubs she started? She only attended one meeting each, her lackeys did the rest. She became cheer captain by sleeping with the cheerleading coach. And the only reason she was a shoe-in for class president was that no one would dare to run against her. Mary's reign could not be toppled. But every rule had to end sometime. Mary was going to graduate at the end of the year, and who would take her place?

Of course, Mary still had an entire eight months to reign. But Rhonda knew exactly how Mary was thinking. She must have already been looking toward the future, toward college. During her junior year, Mary had been dating Hillwood high's senior star quarterback, then he graduated. Mary was now a senior and couldn't be seen dating another senior, that would be beneath her. Her current boyfriend was rumored to be attending Harvard Law. There was no doubt that she started the rumor herself.

Soon, she would receive her very own Ivy League college acceptance letter. She had to already be plotting how to take over whatever school she decided to attend, where she would live, what prestigious professors she would allow to instruct her classes. She didn't have time to worry about some sophomore taking her place when she left. It was already the perfect time to strike.

Distracted as she must have been, Mary would not hesitate to use scorched-earth tactics against any threat to her position. Rhonda needed to not even look like she could be a threat, not until it was time. That was why Rhonda didn't join the cheerleading squad, it was too close. Mary ruled cheerleading with an iron fist.

Rhonda needed to make friends with Mary, but she had to make it happen organically. To get to Mary, you had to go through her best friend, Ruth McDougal. Ruth, herself, was also extremely popular and influential, but only because she was best friends with Mary.

Ruth was an airhead, nothing there except what was right in front of her, h

\er social media feed, her number of followers. Besides Mary, Ruth hung out with four other girls, Mary's cronies, the girls who did her dirty work. That was how power worked at Hillwood High.

The secretary gave Rhonda an updated schedule, and it was done. Pretending to be interested in business law wasn't a stretch for a rich socialite like her. It was practically given. She had her parents' enthusiastic support.

They day went on like usual. Rhonda got a ton of compliments on her appearance. It was easy, she already had a trim body from volleyball. Her red designer halter top and black miniskirt looked both classy and sexy. Her strappy Jimmy Choo heels and Prada purse completed her outfit. She also had silky straight hair that ran down her back and perfectly manicured nails. Rhonda hardly needed any makeup to look good.

Her first day in Business Law was actually pretty interesting. She had no idea contracts had so many parts to them, so many little pieces that could be exploited. Once class was over, lunch began. She needed to execute her plan.

A small salad and iced tea would suffice for lunch. She carried her tray around the forum where all the most-popular kids congregated. Close to the center, were the four girls that Rhonda was looking for. Cookie, Sophie, Connie, and Maria.

Connie was wearing a blouse and skirt that just clashed. The decent heels she was wearing weren't going to excuse that. And the split ends, Rhonda would have died. The girl badly needed a trip to the salon. A nice bob would do wonders for her face.

Maria was trying really hard, working with what she had. Earth-tones on top with pastels on bottom would not work. Her top was breezy to conceal the fact that she was gaining weight. And her makeup was practically caked on. Talk about insecure.

Cookie wore jeans, a spaghetti strap top, and a pair of running shoes. It was sporty, but that was only good when actually doing sports. She was supposed to be representing Mary. Instead, she looked like she was going to start a soccer game.

Only Sophie looked decently fashionable, though someone should have told her she was wearing too many accessories, quality over quantity. She had so many bangles on her wrist, she may as well have been clanging for change in front of a supermarket.

"Hey..." Rhonda said, walking by and trying to look desperate. "My lunch got switched because I'm taking a law class, and I don't have anyone to sit with..." The girls stared at her, expressionless. Cookie blew a bubble with her gum and popped it. "Do you mind if I sit with you?"

"Yeah, sure," Maria said enthusiastically after only a second's hesitation. "We'd love to have you join us." Of course they would. Maria introduced each of them and they continued chatting, snapping at anyone not currently at their table with gossip, insults, and toothless threats. They squawked at each other over which boys were cute, who was talking shit, and who the girls who passed by were sleeping with.

After spending five minutes quietly observing, Rhonda felt like she was surrounded by jackals. She wondered what they would say about her if she had left right then. What the girls didn't know, was that Rhonda was no helpless sheep. She was a tigress. They'd never see her coming.

"Hey, I know!" Maria broke the conversation. "Why don't we have a study-party tonight?" The girls all looked at Rhonda expectantly.

There they were, four snarling hyenas circling their prey, demanding Rhonda give them something for their friendship. And she would have to give them something. It was just how the game was played. Time to strike.

"Ugh!" Rhonda felt herself animate after sitting still for so long. "I have had so many things to do this week, I would love a night to do anything else but study."

All the girls at the table were taken aback. Not one of them knew what to do. Maria, their poor naive leader, found herself speechless for once. While they were still trying to figure out how to get Rhonda to do their homework, Rhonda was already on the next page. Hell, compared to these girls, Rhonda was several chapters ahead. 'Study-party'? Please.

"Why don't we go dancing tonight?" Rhonda asked.

"What?" Simone asked.

It was perfect. These girls were party-girls. They thought what they wanted was someone to do their homework, when what they really wanted was to have fun. Homework was just one of many things getting in their way.

Rhonda needed to grant them limited access to an exclusive space, a location she controlled. Her own house was out, they would trash it while trying to get Rhonda to do their homework anyway. Rhonda couldn't tell them "no", not this early. She needed leverage first.

"My father is part-owner of a club downtown," Rhonda explained. "And don't worry about fake IDs. As long as you're with me, all you have to do is walk right in."

They looked at each other, astonished. "You can get us in to a club?" Maria asked. Cookie accidentally swallowed her gum. These girls were slow on the uptake. If anything, Rhonda was giving these girls too much credit.

"Yeah! Give me your addresses, I'll have my driver pick up each of you. We'll take the limo."

"Oh my god, tonight is going to be so much fun!" Simone said. The other girls agreed.

"Rhonda, do you mind if I invite my friend, Ruth, too?" Maria asked.

It was too easy. The control felt absolutely amazing. "Of course! Six girls is perfect."

* * *

After volleyball practice, Rhonda had an appointment to go see an old friend she had been putting off. So she had her driver take her to a local tea shop.

Rhonda entered the tiny shop. Patty had already arrived and was sipping tea at a small table in a secluded corner. Assorted refreshments had already been served.

Maria, Connie, and the rest were fake friends, rungs on Rhonda's ladder to the top. Patty was a real friend. Patty and Rhonda had a bi-monthly get together for tea. Their friendship was important. Patty kept Rhonda grounded and Rhonda encouraged Patty.

Last time they had met up, Patty told her that she wanted to try out for the wrestling team, but she didn't want to get made fun of. She was afraid people would call her 'Manly Patty' a nickname she had picked up in middle school after 'Big Patty' stopped being so big.

Patty was a bit on the short side, her clothes looked like they were bought at a thrift store, and she only knew how to use makeup because Rhonda had taught her. But she was far from 'manly'. Rhonda pushed her to join the team. Screw anyone who dared to make fun of her.

Patty hadn't noticed that Rhonda had arrived at the shop. Rhonda went to the counter and gave them her credit card for everything Patty had ordered. Patty's family was not wealthy and the tea shop could be quite expensive. Rhonda was happy to pay, though she knew Patty would insist on splitting the bill. She was a very proud person, Rhonda had to be sneaky.

"Good afternoon, Patty," Rhonda said as she came up to the table. "It is so good to see you."

"Hello, Rhonda," Patty replied, standing to embrace her friend before sitting back down. Rhonda took the other seat. "Please, Rhonda. Let me pour your tea," Patty said.

"I would love tea. Thank you." Actually Rhonda was starving, she helped herself to a scone and a watercress sandwich.

Patty poured a generous amount of tea into Rhonda's cup. After a few minutes of chatting about what they had done over the summer and other things, Patty asked "So, how is Harold?"

"I am not sure. We do not associate in the same circles any more."

"You're not still making out with him in the janitor's closet?"

Rhonda nearly spit out her tea. The only reason she didn't was because she had no tea in her mouth at the time. She needed to deny everything. "I am sure I have no idea about what you are talking."

"I saw him walk out of it the other day. He looked like a truck ran over his puppy."

She couldn't know. There was just no way Patty could possibly have caught them. They were always careful. And to call her out on it like that. It was downright vulgar. The nerve of some people.

"Look, Rhonda. I don't want to play games." Patty poured tea into Rhonda's cup. "I like Harold. But I also know you might still have feelings for him. If you don't tell me it's okay, I won't ask him out or anything." Patty extended the cup and saucer to Rhonda. "I wouldn't want to hurt our friendship over some boy."

Rhonda took the saucer with the full cup on it but she couldn't just admit she still had feelings-.

No! She didn't have feelings for Harold! She couldn't! She wouldn't! He was just some childhood crush. They were totally different people. He liked football and dressed like a hobo. Who cares if he is a really good kisser and she felt safe in his arms. He had zero refinement and that was what Rhonda needed. Rhonda shuffled a bit in her seat, Patty didn't notice.

It was a power play. Patty pouring tea into Rhonda's cup without asking was how she took the upper-hand in the conversation. Her cup had been empty. It was presumptuous but completely unobjectionable.

And she asked for positive ascent! Oh, that was the most-devious way she could have confronted her. Now, by staying silent, Rhonda was only confirming that she still liked Harold. She would need to say out loud that she didn't like Harold to stop the spread of any nasty rumors. In fact, Patty would want enthusiastic support for her pursuing him. Her appeal to "friendship" made it clear that nothing less would do.

Patty might not even pursue Harold. She might not even be attracted to him. This could all be a ruse to destroy Rhonda's pristine image. There was that old rumor about Patty being a lesbian. Rhonda had initially waved it off, it didn't matter at the time. But now her entire social future rested on Patty's sexuality.

But, only if she kept Harold as an option. She had been fine knowing she could always go back to him and tell him she didn't mean it or something. But now she had to cut him loose. She could never go back to him after that.

It was a no-win scenario. Well, no win for Rhonda. She had absolutely no choice.

"I'm so happy that you found someone you like. Harold is a great guy and I think he would be perfect for you."

Patty gave her a genuine smile. "Thanks Rhonda. You're a great friend."

'A great friend' echoed in Rhonda's mind. Patty was much too nice of a person to do any of the things Rhonda had been imagining. It was completely out of character for Patty to scheme. She never did that. Patty would only ever say what she meant. She was an actual friend. Rhonda didn't have enough of those that she could throw any away.

There was a twinge in the back of Rhonda's mind that wouldn't go away. It formed an idea, a way to buy her some time.

"I just..." Rhonda started. She saw that Patty's hors d'oeuvre plate was empty. "Patty, we are friends..." She took the plate. "And hope you know..." She placed a watercress sandwich on it. "...that I am only looking out for you when I say this..." Rhonda put it right back where it was in front of Patty and smiled. Relief washed over her as she felt the control of the conversation return. Technically, it was rude, but still completely unobjectionable, especially after Patty had pulled the same on her first. They were such great friends after all.

Rhonda took Patty's hand and looked at her in the eye. She would need physical interaction to really sell this. "I think you should take it slow with Harold."

Patty didn't react. Any number of things could be going on inside her head. She was not an expressive person.

Rhonda took the opportunity to explain. "I don't want you to just be some rebound." She had slipped into her high school speech patterns. "I know how up-front you are with people. And I have a feeling you'll just go for it. That's a trait of yours I deeply admire. But I don't want Harold to use you to cover up his pain."

Patty frowned and pulled her hand away. She lifted her teacup, but didn't drink. She only stared at it.

"Please, Patty. Harold is a very sensitive boy. Give him some time. Make sure it's real between you two." Rhonda looked at Patty with genuine concern. Did she just convince herself that Patty should give Harold time to build a solid relationship? The more she thought about it, the more convinced she became.

"I..." Patty said finally. "You're right, Rhonda. I should let Harold process his feelings and let his feelings for me grow. That's going to be really hard." She finally took a sip of her tea. "Thank you."

Rhonda suddenly found that she genuinely wanted Patty and Harold to be together, they would make such a cute couple. She also still wanted to be with Harold. Yet she hoped they worked out. Two contradictory hopes floated through her heart. Weird.

"You are most welcome, Patty. I hope, ever so much, that it works out for you." Say what you will, Lila's "ever-so" speech patterns were the best at hiding true intentions. "Now, tell me all about wrestling."

Patty described her wrestling career, telling stories. Rhonda paid attention, but the earlier discussion gave her pause. She would have to do better, keep things more-secret. She could never meet any of her secret boyfriends at school again. She must leave no evidence on her phone or laptop. It was too risky.

Rhonda looked at her phone. "Oh no!"

"What?" Patty asked.

"You have to get going or you'll miss Harold's game!" Where did that come from?

Patty's eyes went a little wider. "You think I should go?"

"Of course! You need to be there to cheer for him." Rhonda did a little mental math. "Ugh! You'll never make it on the subway before the game starts. I'll drive you."

"Are you sure? I would hate to impose."

"Of course I'm sure, Patty. I am always happy to help out a friend." None of this was part of the plan. Rhonda's heart was in control.

Rhonda escorted Patty out of the shop. Patty protested at Rhonda picking up the check for the fourth time in a row. And they arrived at the football field just in time.

Patty left the car to buy a ticket. Rhonda held back, not wanting to get in her friend's way. She had another appointment anyway.

After Patty had gone inside, Rhonda asked her driver to wait for her and got out.

The football field was lit like a Christmas tree while the school itself was dark. The buildings were unlocked with a few teachers and staff around.

Rhonda went to the designated spot, the Intermediate Art room. Curly was already waiting. "Do you have what I want?" she asked.

"Oh yeah, baby. I've got it right here." Curly handed Rhonda a large envelope. Inside was a glossy photo.

The image was beautiful. Rhonda had never looked so amazing, so feminine, so sensual. Curly was a truly talented artist. "It is my greatest work," he bragged. "You are absolutely ravishing, my muse."

The work of art in her hand was a computer-generated image of Rhonda in an anime style. She was wearing a tiny red bikini while standing on a gorgeous beach with a volleyball tucked under her arm. The background was full of lush detail. Rhonda wished her skin was that smooth, her waist that thin, her body that perfect.

"Do you like it?"

"As always, Curly, your work is spectacular."

Curly growled, "Thank you."

"If I could make one criticism..." Rhonda started.

Curly was clearly offended that his work could be improved upon. "Yes?..."

"It's so..." Rhonda loved torturing the tiny cretin. "...tame. Where's the sex?"

Curly was clearly taken aback. "You said you wanted 'classy'."

"But I came to you, the master of sex." Little boys were so easy to manipulate. "Sex can be classy."

"I- I- I would never think to degrade my muse in that way!"

"Bullshit, Curly. I know, for a fact, you have a drawing of me doing something so depraved that I should have you arrested." Rhonda didn't have any actual evidence of that, she knew it had to be true. "Don't you?" She was going to force him to admit it.

"...yes."

"Tell me..." Rhonda took a step toward Curly. "What might I be doing in this drawing?"

Curly looked away.

"Curly..." Rhonda threatened.

"You're... having sex... with another girl... who may or may not look like..." He paused.

Rhonda gave him a word of encouragement. "Yes..."

"Nadine... and you're... uh... you..."

"Yes?"

Curly looked like he was going to refuse to answer.

"I what, Curly!?" This had to be good if he didn't want to tell her.

"You have... a dick," he stammered.

"Ah, you made me a futanari." She glared down at him. He couldn't look anywhere near her. He probably had no idea she knew what a futanari was. "Suddenly so embarrassed," Rhonda mocked.

She took a step back and put her hands on her hips. "I think it's hot."

He looked at her. "Re- Really?"

"Yes. You will bring it with you the next time we meet. I need to approve of all media that uses my appearance."

Curly was practically drooling. "I will."

"Not officially, of course." Rhonda looked back at the image in her hand. "Now, as for this tame picture, I like it as it is. I assume you have the working file?"

Curly nodded.

"Good. Then this will be easier. Make a second version. Make the bikini... tighter."

"Tighter?"

"Yes. I want it to trace... every... curve... of... my... body..." Rhonda accentuated her speech by running her hands over her waist and thighs, bending her knees, and arching her back. Curly was red enough to pop. "Do you understand?"

Curly managed to shake his head 'no' despite his drooling. He wanted something as payment. "I think I need you to be more... specific." That sly little dog. He wanted her to say the words. It was a kind of currency between them.

Rhonda smiled, going back to the image. "My breasts are big enough..." She pointed to the two balloons glued to her chest in the image. "But they should be practically popping out of my top. And my nipples need to be..." She looked right at him, trying to drill into him with her eyes. "harder."

"Of course." Curly was so worked up he couldn't stand still, he was shaking.

Rhonda went back to the photo. "These bottoms are far too big, they would interrupt my flexibility while playing volleyball. There should be a cleft that goes right down the center. And should I not be wet? I am on a beach after all. I will let you decide that one."

"Would you like anything... kinky?"

"No. Make only the adjustments I described."

"I'll get to work immediately. I just need a bit more... motivation."

The exchange was escalating. Rhonda knew exactly what Curly wanted. Harold could be placated with a nice make-out and cuddle session. He actually was a good kisser and Rhonda missed his lips. But Curly... Curly wanted her body. She had dangled her form in front of him for far too long. They still hadn't even so much as touched. Now, he was beyond wanting her, he was close to needing her. She might have to do something with him before the end.

This was getting dangerous. Being on the receiving end of free artwork dedicated to her was safe. It validated her in a way she couldn't get outside of thousands of screaming fans. But actually letting herself go with Curly... The thought made her shudder in the best possible way.

"Well..." Rhonda was playing coy. "The sooner you finish, the sooner we can meet again."

"And!?" Curly demanded. He hated being put off, and he loved it at the same time. The anticipation made their dalliance all the sweeter.

"And I'll have two photos of myself to admire." Rhonda relished controlling him. "We... may need to check the proportions of your finished work against my real body. You will need something more accurate to work from... if you are going to continue."

"Of course." Curly smiled.

"Give me your phone," Rhonda demanded.

Curly dutifully handed her his phone. Once she had confirmed he wasn't recording the conversation, she typed in the location of their next meeting. It couldn't be at the school. Patty knew about the janitor's closet. There was no telling who else might know what.

"Meet me here." She handed his phone back with an address typed into his map. "One week from today, same time as always. Do not be late."

Rhonda walked away without saying anything more, the print hidden inside it's envelope. Curly could always print another. She was going to have hers framed.

Rhonda took her seat in the town car and ordered her driver to take her home. She needed to get ready for her night on the town with some 'friends'.

Everything was going according to her will, a geeky little stalker who made artwork dedicated to her. If he thought he could publish his art of her, she could always claim harassment. After all, he didn't have her permission to actually publish it. She could deny any of these meetings had even happened. Why in the world would Rhonda Wellington-Lloyd meet a twerp like him. No. He wouldn't step one toe out of line.

All the art she could want and she might have to give him her body. Well, if she did, she would be in control. The little fucker would probably love to be tied up.


	6. Gerald's Hair

**Gerald's Hair**

**Sophomore Year - September**

Gerald mulled over how he was going to ask Phoebe out. It had been a long time coming. They had been holding hands since the sixth grade. In all those years, Gerald hadn't so much as even flirted with another girl.

The question was, how should he do it? He didn't want to just say "Hey, you're my girlfriend now." Even though it would make her laugh.

"I'm gonna do it, man," Gerald told Arnold. "I'm finally gonna ask Phoebe to be my girlfriend."

"You're a bolder man than me." Arnold closed his locker.

"Nah uh, Arnold. Phoebe's a sweetheart. It takes a lot of crazy to go after a girl like Helga. You'll get her, you just gotta learn to love the fact that she gives you shit."

Arnold squeezed his eyes shut. "Yeah..."

"Hey, man. Once me and Phoebe start hanging out, you'll have more excuses to hang out with her. Something's bound to happen."

"That's true." Arnold smirked. "Good luck." They did their secret handshake and Arnold left to change for practice.

It was the best time To make his move, school was over, she had to be feeling relaxed. Gerald strode right up to Phoebe's locker. Lila was with her, they were giggling about something.

"Why hello, Handsome." Phoebe greeted before turning to look at him. She beamed a smile that threatened to disintegrate him. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?"

"See you later, Phoebe," Lila said, walking away. She put her hand next to her ear and mouthed 'call me.'

"Yeah... I have something I wanna ask you." Gerald carefully ran his fingers through his hair, trying to look suave and eliciting a giggle from Phoebe. "So, my fine señorita, do you want to be my girl?" Gerald purred. Chicks dig the 'purr'.

Phoebe burst into laughter. Once she had gotten control of herself, she said "Despite all of that, yes. I would love to be your girlfriend."

"Cool." Gerald mentally celebrated, but remained calm on the outside. He couldn't help but let her love him and smile. "How about I take you to dinner and a movie on Friday?"

"That sounds absolutely divine. However, our first date must be dinner with my parents."

"Okay..." Gerald had met Kyo and Reba before, but to have dinner with them... And as Phoebe's new boyfriend…

"My parents will want to get to know you before we start dating," Phoebe said. "Are you available tomorrow night?"

"Tomorrow night sounds good..." His hand found its way to the back of his neck, a habit he had picked up from Arnold.

There was one thing Phoebe wasn't considering, Gerald was a big black dude. Over the last few years he had grown to almost six feet tall and he had a lot of muscle from working out. Most girls' parents' worst nightmare was their daughter running off with a guy who looked like him. She had to know that, she just wasn't saying it out loud.

His worry must have shown on his face. "Do not be concerned, Gerald. Once they see the kind of guy you are, I am sure they will like you." So much for being cool.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course!"

Kyo was Japanese. Weren't Japanese fathers supposed to be extremely overprotective of their daughters? Maybe it was just a stereotype. Just like Phoebe was the stereotype of the smart Japanese girl. She had talked about her father's expectations of her "academic future" a few times.

Gerald felt himself become the stereotype of the black basketball player, the guy with a ball in his locker. Labeled something because of a single interest and the color of his skin. Why couldn't people combine his love of mystery novels with the shape of his head and make a stereotype out of that?

Maybe he didn't deserve Phoebe. It's not like he was dumb. He took one AP class, but suddenly it didn't seem like it was enough. Phoebe's parents would want her to go out with someone smart, like a guy who was going to be a doctor.

He needed to show her he was serious. The occasion called for him to give her an object of his affection. He went shopping at Budnick's Department Store after basketball practice.

A ring was too dramatic, Gerald didn't want it to be a big deal. It needed to be personal. Phoebe had never told him why she liked him, but he always figured it had something to do with his laid-back attitude. It was his defining feature.

Helga once had a locket with Arnold's picture in it. She kept it on her all the time. A necklace? Nah.

Their personalities complimented each other. Phoebe's defining feature was her intelligence. She spoke in a very calculated way, communicating her exact meaning. Gerald preferred to let his listener infer what he really meant. It helped him cultivate an air of mystery.

He could give her one of his old jerseys. It'd be huge on her, but she'd look cute as hell. He pictured her cutting the length in half and tying it around her waist.

Phoebe may have been the smartest person in their class, but Gerald was no slouch. He was in all CP classes and took AP Advanced Algebra. He could have been in harder classes, but he needed time for basketball practice. Arnold could do it because he was a genie. Not a genius, a genie. The guy was magical.

Phoebe always carried all that stuff with her. Books, school supplies, makeup, whatever else girls carried on them. She needed something she could use. Maybe, like, perfume.

It hit him like a ton of bricks. A bag! Like a purse. Classy, laid back, and useful. Phoebe will love it.

Gerald rifled through a pile purses to find the right one. When he took a step back to look through a different rack, he saw a security guard practically staring at him out of the corner of his eye. The guy was a long way away but Gerald didn't appreciate his heavy gaze. Gerald turned to go the other way and caught another one watching him. Their eyes locked for a moment and Gerald looked away. The security guard's watch didn't move. He had looked scared, like Gerald was going to do something.

Gerald winced. Of course he wasn't going to do anything. And how would he steal a bag without it being obvious. They all had the security tags on them anyway.

They might leave him alone if he acted casual. He tried to push them out of his mind while he did what he came to do.

Luckily, Gerald soon found the perfect one. It had a bunch of pockets of different sizes, it was big enough that it could hold her laptop or a text book but small enough that she could use it for anything. Plus, it was that same light blue color that she always wore. All he needed to do was get out the door without pissing off security.

The distance to the register felt like ten miles. Gerald felt like prey walking through the store, like he was being hunted. Any little thing he might do could set them off. Or even if he didn't do anything...

One of them finally went somewhere else when he got in line at the register. The other, more-aggressive, one stayed. Gerald paid for his one item and walked out the door, the security guard's eyes on him the entire time.

* * *

"What did she expect me to do!? Skip work so I could do something she could just do herself!?" Jamie-O shouted, recounting the events of his most-recent break-up at the dinner table. He had to move back home because of it. He stuck a fork full of food into his mouth. "Next she gonna ask me to drop everything so I can change the channel for her!" he said with his mouth full. "Like she can't even pick up a remote."

"Sounds like you two need to work on your communication," Gerald's mom suggested. "What do you think, babe?"

"You're absolutely right, Shari," Gerald's dad agreed without looking up from his phone.

Gerald decided to ask his dad what he should expect from Phoebe's dad. But he needed to do it without telling them they were together. If they knew, none of his family would ever leave him alone about it. "Dad, what are you going to do when Timberly starts dating?"

"Yeah, dad!" Jamie-O chided his sister. "What ARE you gonna do!?" Timberly glared at Gerald with her arms crossed.

"She's not allowed to date until she's married," Gerald's dad responded.

"What!?" Timberly screamed. Jamie-O started laughing his head off.

"No, dad. I- I mean, what if she brings a guy to dinner that you don't like?"

"I'm not going to like any boy she brings home."

"You're not helping, Martin," Gerald's mom said. They launched into a heated discussion about Timberly's dating life.

Timberly slammed her silverware on the table and growled. "Thanks a lot, Gerald!" He was going to end up with something terrible happening to him before bed. He hoped she would stop at only throwing things at him. It wasn't his fault their dad was being unreasonable. Jamie-O would not stop laughing, but at least Gerald had his answer.

* * *

Gerald got on the bus to get to school the next day, still feeling nervous. He took a window seat near the front, leaving room for Arnold.

On the next stop, some old lady got on the bus. Gerald only took a glance at her and she totally avoided looking anywhere in his direction, clutching her purse and moving quickly to the other side. Something like that happened at least once a day. At least there was no such thing as a bus security guard. He still had never gotten used to the way people reacted to him.

The old lady had this look on her face, like Gerald should apologize for existing near her. He felt like he was breaking a rule and making everyone else mad. He wanted to get off the bus just to get away from the situation.

He had mostly shrugged it off by the time Arnold sat down. They talked about baseball. Arnold was complaining about the Black Sox 'not even trying' ever since Kayline retired. Gerald didn't watch baseball, there wasn't enough action when you watched it on TV. Arnold always argued with him whenever he brought it up, so he let the guy talk.

At some point, Stinky and Sid got on the bus and sat in the row behind them.

"Fancy hair, Gerald," Stinky asked. "Can I touch it?"

"No." Gerald's voice was flat and deep. He scowled over his shoulder at Stinky for asking such a dumb question.

"Garsh," Stinky said. "Did I say something to offend you?"

Gerald decided not to dignify that with a response and Stinky seemed to get it, though he could have been wrong. Stinky was not quick on the uptake. The guys talked about baseball and a bunch of other things and the day went down like it usually did.

Gerald found Phoebe at her locker when he got to school.

"You ready for your present?" he asked.

Phoebe blushed. "I... I thought you'd never ask..." She looked away, then looked up at him expectantly.

Gerald realized Phoebe thought her "present" was a kiss. She was practically begging him to kiss her. Well, Gerald wasn't about to keep a lady waiting. He put his left hand on her hip and ran his fingers under her hair. He slowly brought her lips to his. She trembled in his arms, parting her mouth to let his tongue in. Gerald held back, he didn't want too much too fast. It's best to keep your lady wanting more. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him down into her.

When they finally finished, Phoebe was practically glowing. "...Gerald," she whispered.

Gerald's own heart was racing. When did it get so hot? He tried to play it cool, like all of it was planned. "You ready for your second present?"

"...I... I think... I need to recover... from the last one..." Phoebe said, breathlessly.

"This one's a little different." Gerald retrieved the gift bag from his backpack. Phoebe was astonished by the sudden appearance of the colorful bag and tissue paper coming out of it. Gerald reminded himself to thank his mom for insisting he wrap it. He handed her the bag.

Phoebe's eyes opened wider than he had ever seen them when she unwrapped the purse from the tissue paper. A silent gasp escaped her mouth. He could swear her eyes sparkled as she inspected it. She still didn't say anything. One of the reasons Gerald loved Phoebe was that she was always cool, a lot like him.

"I love it! I love it! I love it!" she finally exploded. One of the other reasons he loved her was that when she liked something, she went a little overboard in showing it. It was adorable. She jumped up onto him. "You're the best boyfriend ever!"

"You know it, babe." He looked at the bag she was holding, that thing that security guard had fully expected him to steal. It was both a triumph of Gerald's will and a mark of unearned shame. Looking at it then, he kind of hated it.

Phoebe only hugged him tightly for a few seconds before letting go. "I need to get to class, however, I look forward to seeing you tonight." She walked away and blew him a kiss.

Everything felt darker. Gerald tried to go on with his day, but he couldn't shake the feeling. Just before the last class of the day he went to talk to the only other person who might get it. He found Nadine getting something out of her locker.

"Hey Nadine. Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, sure."

"I asked Phoebe out."

"I know. The girls knew about it before you did." Nadine stated like it was obvious. It made sense, Lila saw him walk right up to her and girls talked a lot. "Took you long enough."

"Yeah. She wants me to have dinner with her parents tonight."

"Okay..."

"But I'm black."

"Oh... Yeah..." She scrunched her face in sympathy. "That's going to be different for you than me. I'm only half-black. And I'm a girl."

"I know, but..." Gerald stopped. "I don't know what I wanted to ask."

"You just wanted to talk..."

"Yeah, I guess I did."

"At least you're doing your part."

"My part?"

"Yeah, you're contributing to 'Operation: Make Everyone In The World Black'." She smiled. Gerald couldn't help but laugh. "Good job." She closed her locker and they walked toward her class.

"You'd have super cute babies," Nadine said. Gerald laughed again. "Everyone knows multi-racial babies are the cutest."

"And that's not biased in any way?" he asked.

"Nope. Proven fact." She winked at him.

"What are you guys talking about?" Sheena asked, starting to walk with them.

"Gerald's worried Phoebe's parents won't like him because he's black."

"I'm sorry you have to deal with that, Gerald," Sheena said. "I don't even see you as black."

Gerald stopped walking, needing to respond, but knowing whatever he said, it would be seen as 'aggressive'. But he had to at least say something. Sheena couldn't just erase the color of his skin as if it wasn't part of his identity. He felt like his every move was being watched again. That security guard bore him into the ground. He couldn't do anything but grit his teeth and endure it.

"Sheena..." Nadine squeezed her eyes shut.

"Did I say something wrong?" Sheena squeaked. She looked at Gerald with confusion. "I'm very sorry, Gerald." She probably didn't know what she was sorry about.

"It's cool." He decided to let it go. That's what everyone wanted him to do. That's what everyone could approve of, don't make waves. He felt like he was no longer in control of his own life, but at least everyone else was comfortable…

The girls went on their way to their class. Gerald could have sworn he heard Sheena whisper "what did I say?" Though, that could have been all in his head.

It wasn't cool. The comment dug itself into his brain. When he got to his marketing class, Arnold was already in his seat with his notebook out. Gerald took his own seat in front of him.

Before he got any of his stuff out, he turned around. "Arnold, do you see me as black?"

Arnold turned his head inquisitively and pursed his lips, already discerning something more was going on. "Someone say something to you, Gerald?"

"Don't avoid the question," Gerald said, trying not to let his frustration seep into his voice. "When you look at me, do you see a black guy?"

"I see my friend, Gerald,"

Gerald shouldn't have worded the question with a stupid out. The fact that Arnold was clearly avoiding giving him an answer didn't help anything either.

"You're black, Gerald," Arnold said just before his frustration turned to anger. "But that shouldn't matter. And it sucks that it does. I asked if someone said something because I figured something happened and I'm here to listen. It doesn't matter what I think."

They looked at each other in silence for a bit. The one thing Gerald noticed was that Arnold wasn't scared. He didn't have a weird look on his face like he wasn't sure if he said something offensive. He didn't look like he was expecting an apology. Arnold looked at him right in the eye like he always did.

At least his best friend got it. At least he wanted to listen. Gerald could fill the silence with anything he wanted, and Arnold would let him.

"Okay," Gerald finally said. The fact that Arnold wanted to listen was enough. And it actually did matter what his best friend thought.

"Something happen?"

Gerald shook his head. "Every fucking day..." he huffed. Before Gerald had the chance to elaborate, the bell rang.

After basketball practice, Arnold let Gerald vent the whole way home. Gerald told him about what he had to deal with all day and what he thought about it, namely, that it was bullshit. Arnold only agreed. He didn't tell Gerald that things would get better, though Gerald heard it all the same. Arnold was only there to listen. By the time they got to Gerald's house, he almost missed Arnold's relentless optimism.

* * *

Gerald felt like most of his tension had been released when he got ready to go to Phoebe's. He put on a dress shirt so he'd look good and considered a tie but decided to go without it.

Phoebe answered the door slightly out of breath when he knocked. "Greetings, Gerald. Please come in."

Gerald could only describe Phoebe's house as empty. There was no clutter anywhere and hardly any furniture. He didn't see any photos on the walls. The wood floor was spotless.

Phoebe motioned to the shoe rack near the door and Gerald took off his shoes without untying the laces. He had the perfect knots in them and always left the laces just loose enough to slip off. He looked at his socks and winced. They both had small holes near his toes. He always kept his shoes looking immaculate, he never had to care about socks before. He felt like Phoebe's parents were going to think his family was poor and couldn't afford new socks.

There was nothing he could do. Gerald placed his shoes next to Phoebe's flats with a sigh. He followed her into the house.

"Good evening, father," she greeted her father with a bow.

Phoebe's dad was sitting on a small couch reading a newspaper when he looked up at the couple.

"Good evening, Phoebe." He gave a slight nod of his head. "I see Gerald is with you. Greetings, Gerald. Please, come in and make yourself comfortable."

The living room was nearly as sparse as the entryway. The only furniture was a couch with two matching chairs, a coffee table and an end table. A vase with flowers and a few books sat on the end table.

"I will assist mother with preparing dinner," Phoebe said. Leaving Gerald alone with her father. He had no idea what to do, so he sat on the couch and read an article on his phone. By the end, Gerald couldn't have told anyone what it was about. His mind was focused on the awkward situation. The next thing he noticed about Phoebe's house was how quiet it was. He and Kyo sat in silence until the meal was ready.

Phoebe set the table and dinner was served. Gerald sat next to her. Reba placed a plate in front of him. There were three pieces of fried chicken, an ear of corn, and a biscuit. Not out of place for a woman from Kentucky, but Gerald knew from Phoebe that they usually ate Japanese cuisine.

"Gerald, please tell us about yourself," Kyo said.

"Uh..." Gerald couldn't find his charm. "I'm on the basketball team," he said cautiously.

"I see," Kyo said. "You are an athlete then."

"Yeah, I do a little of everything," Gerald managed.

"He is also in my AP Advanced Algebra class," Phoebe said.

"I see," Kyo said, with only a hint of a judgmental tone.

A long silence followed as everyone ate. Gerald didn't know if he could use his hands to eat the fried chicken until he saw Reba lead the way.

"What are you planning on studying in college, Gerald?" Reba asked. That was the first question in a series of questions adults had recently started asking him. Next was where he was going to go and what his plan was for after college.

"I'm taking a Business Marketing elective this year. I've had some experience in sales. I was thinking I'd do that after I get my degree." It was a rehearsed answer Gerald had developed for nosy friends of his parents.

"And what college do you plan to attend?"

Gerald had no idea. "I was thinking, whatever's affordable."

"Are you planning on playing basketball?" Reba asked. "Some colleges will pay a full tuition if you play on their team."

Gerald knew you had to be amazing to get a free ride like that. While he had awesome coordination with Arnold, he didn't think he was good enough to bank on a basketball scholarship. "Probably not."

"What is your family like?" Kyo asked.

Gerald's family was normal, like any other family. Kinda weird to ask what they're like. Adults always talked about work, so he figured he'd go with that. "My dad is an accountant and my mom works in retail."

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?" Reba asked.

"My older brother is a mechanic and my little sister just started middle school." Man, this was not going well. Gerald couldn't find that smooth and soulful guy he was supposed to be.

The butter was on the other side of the table, so he decided to decided to eat his biscuit without it. He didn't feel anywhere near comfortable asking Kyo to pass the butter.

"Do you play any instruments, Gerald?" Reba asked.

"My mom taught me a little piano."

"Really? Did you know our Phoebe is a classically trained pianist?" Kyo said.

"I knew she could play, but I don't think I've ever heard-"

"Play us a little something, sugar." Reba said to Phoebe.

"Oh, I couldn't possibly-" Phoebe started.

"Please, Phoebe. Give us a demonstration." Phoebe's father insisted. "Play us some music."

Phoebe sighed silently and sat on the bench in front of the piano. She closed her eyes like she was trying to shut-out the world. She took a deep breath and launched right in to Beethoven's 5th Symphony. The piece was dramatic and it felt like Phoebe was attacking it. She played it perfectly, of course, but also quickly, as if she just wanted it to be over. It did not look like she was enjoying it.

Phoebe finished, finally taking a breath. Kyo and Reba clapped.

"Flawless as always, Phoebe," Kyo said.

"You did wonderful, honey!" Reba said.

"Thank you, mother. Thank you, father." Phoebe stood and bowed to them. When she was finished, she studied the floor, shoulders slumping slightly.

"That was amazing," Gerald said. "I can't do anything like that."

"Play us something, Gerald," Phoebe insisted, pulling him to the bench.

Gerald sat down next to Phoebe. She gave him a small smile, a plea for help. A sign he wasn't in this alone. He couldn't help but smile back. He was nervous as hell. His mom never taught him much of the classic style, he definitely didn't have any symphonies memorized. Kyo and Reba would want something refined, the most he could do was a few jingles. He scratched his head.

Gerald always had fun tickling Arnold's roof piano. Gertrude told him to feel the music, whatever that was supposed to mean. He could just let himself go freeform. He decided on a quick-fingered intro to get started and felt himself fall into the zone.

His fingers started working the keys and he rattled out a jazzy tune. It was nothing fancy. It didn't have the deep shifts and dramatic pauses of Beethoven's 5th, it was just a simple melody he decided to play with. He bopped his head back and forth to the beat. Phoebe tapped her foot. He didn't know where he was going with it so he kept it simple. After a couple minutes it devolved into an elevator tune. That was usually his cue, and he let it fade out.

Phoebe clapped ecstatically for him.

"Wow, Gerald!" Reba said. "You're talented."

"Thank you."

"It certainly was no Beethoven." Kyo said. It would take a lot to impress that guy. "However, it had a certain appeal. Who was the composer?"

"Uh... I kinda just made it up on the spot."

"I see." Kyo almost sounded shocked, almost.

Phoebe's parents continued to small talk with him while Phoebe cleaned the table. After a while he checked the time on his phone.

"Gerald, may I speak with you alone." Kyo said before Gerald could suggest he should go. He gestured down the hall. This was it. Kyo was going to grill him. Gerald followed a few steps behind like a dead man walking. Kyo walked all the way to a room in the back of the apartment.

Gerald entered the study in awe of what he was seeing. A brown couch sat on one wall. Near the center of the room was a large desk. A bookshelf full of old leather bound tomes, assorted trinkets, and a pair of swords was behind it. The room had a distinct leather smell.

This room's walls, unlike the rest of the house, were filled with photos, newspaper clippings, and awards. Gerald saw several pictures of Phoebe. One was of her winning the All-City Academic Competition in 4th grade. Another had her wearing a blue ribbon from taking first prize in the 8th grade science fair with her study on genetic engineering. In yet another she was wearing a fencing uniform and a gold metal. It must have only been from the last year. All of the photos were of Phoebe winning things.

"Phoebe speaks very highly of you, Gerald," Kyo said, closing the door.

Gerald had no idea what to say. What could he say? 'Thank you'? Who would he be thanking? He could crack a joke, but Kyo didn't seem like the joking type.

"Gerald, what are your intentions with my daughter?"

"Uhh... Well..." Kyo stared him down. His face was completely expressionless. Gerald would have to think of something good to say. He had to remind himself he was good at sales. This was just like any sales job. The difference was that he was selling himself.

It was a meaningless question anyway. 'Intentions' what did that even mean? Was he afraid they were going to have sex? Then why not just ask that? Was he trying to intimidate him? Yes, definitely, but that couldn't be all of it. Was he asking about marriage? They hadn't been together long enough to think about that, even with as much history as they had. Was he talking about college? Obviously they weren't going to the same college.

He didn't know what his 'intentions' were with her. So he figured he would just say how he felt. "All I know is that I like Phoebe. She's cute and smart and fun to be around. And she likes me too."

Kyo studied Gerald for a moment. There was no telling what he was thinking. The man was deeply cerebral and didn't let a single emotion show on his face.

"I will permit you to court my daughter. As long as your activities do not interfere with her education."

That was as close to approval as Gerald would ever get. He breathed a sigh of relief. "I gotta be honest, I was worried you wouldn't like me because I'm black."

Kyo's face suddenly turned severe. Gerald's blood turned cold.

"My mother and father were sent to an internment camp during World War II. They lost everything. I know better than most, the racist history of this country. I am more concerned with you dragging my daughter down than I am with the color of your skin."

Maybe Kyo would get it. Then again, 'Dragging my daughter down'? What was that supposed to mean?

"I would not allow my daughter to be courted by some riffraff. You have shown me that you are intelligent and driven. I am not concerned with you being African American."

"Okay…" Gerald found he had no idea what to say again. "Cool."

Kyo had one last thing to say before he led Gerald back out of the room. "My daughter is perfectly capable of making her own choices. If you do not respect this…" He turned his body toward the swords behind his desk. "I will show you that this daishō is not only for display."

Gerald didn't know exactly what a 'die-show' was, but if it was what it sounded like… The threat was well received.

"Thank you for joining us for dinner, Gerald," Reba said when he was ready to go.

"Yes, getting to know you has been most enjoyable," Kyo added.

"Thank you so much for having me. Dinner was delicious." Gerald got his shoes on and proceeded out the door. Phoebe followed him out.

"I am so glad my parents like you." Phoebe said after she had closed the door behind her. "What did father want to talk to you about in his study?"

"Uhhh..." Gerald didn't know how much detail he should give or even how he would describe it. "He just wants what's best for you..."

Phoebe pulled out her hair tie, letting her hair fall over her shoulders like black silk. "You're what's best for me," she said with smoky eyes and a sexy smirk. It was an oddly casual statement considering Phoebe's normal way of speaking. Two contractions? In a row? She had to be sick or something.

He put his arms around her waist and she kissed him on the cheek. "See you at school tomorrow," he said.

"Can't wait for our date on Friday," she responded with a wink before retreating back inside.

On Gerald's walk home only one person crossed the street to avoid him and he didn't care enough to notice.


	7. Helga's Job

**Helga's Job**

**Sophomore Year - October**

Helga had a text from Olga when she checked her phone after school.

[You should go back home to mom and dad.] That sure was direct, strange coming from Olga. Maybe she needed her to keep them together. Helga had always suspected her sister was far more invested in their relationship. To Helga, watching them was like getting caught up in a trashy reality dating show.

Olga could never understand who they really were. Bob and Miriam fawned all over their favorite daughter. To them, Olga was a perfect child. It was the only thing they agreed on. Helga knew better. Their dad was a workaholic blowhard, and their mom had settled on drinking her life away.

Helga had envied how her parents actually paid attention to her sister. Olga told her on many occasions how Helga was lucky that she could come and go as she pleased, with no sky-high expectations. But only one of them actually received love from their parents, and it wasn't Helga.

They never forgot Olga's birthday, or failed to shower her with praise for every stupid thing. Helga never got any praise for a single accomplishment.

Helga rolled her eyes. Olga couldn't see the display, but it made her feel better. [Not going to do that.] She got as comfortable as possible on her bed, watching the clouds go by through the skylight. Olga wasn't purposely dangling their parents' affection in front of her. They were sisters, Olga had her own baggage when it came to them. Helga needed to remember that.

There was a knock at the door. "First of the month." Phil's voice was muffled. "Time to collect the rent."

Collect rent huh. Must have been one of Arnold's chores. Easy. Helga dropped what she was doing and descended down the creaky steps.

"How much is the rent?" she asked Phil through the bathroom door.

Phil opened the door and looked at her like he didn't know what she was talking about. His belt was unbuckled, but his pants were still up, thank god. "What?"

"Rent! How much is it?"

"Oh right." A look of understanding washed over his face. "Five hundred dollars." He retreated back into the bathroom.

She took a look at the condition of the house. Five hundred sounded like a lot considering it was so dingy it was practically falling apart. Arnold must have had a lot of little things to do all the time to keep up the place. Nine people and only two bathrooms? That had to be illegal. And how could it be both cold and humid at the same time?

Helga figured she should start collecting the rent before everything else piled up. She knocked on the first door, Mr. Hyunh.

He opened the door. "Hello, blonde girl. It is good you are here. I-"

"First of the month, time to pay rent," Helga said.

"I need you to do a few chores in my room."

"And I need your rent."

"Chores are very important." He closed his eyes and raised a finger in the air. "I will have rent for you tomorrow." He was trying to get out of paying. The guy thought he could just walk all over her, he was wrong. "Now I need-"

"If you don't pay the rent, we miss a payment on the property." Helga calmly explained. She hid just a tiny threat behind her tone. "If we miss a payment on the property, the bank will come and kick everyone out. Then, your stupid chores won't have mattered, will they?" Helga was getting angry and she liked it. "You can't pay the rent today? Fine! Then you will be charged a $50 late fee."

"I don't have $50 for late fee."

"Sounds like you don't have the rent either."

"I have it tomorrow."

"Great, then there's a $50 late fee." Helga refused to budge on her new policy. They we're going in circles anyway and Helga didn't have time for this crap. "Here's what I'll do, you do Arnold's old chores for this entire month and I'll waive the late fee."

"You want me to do chores?"

"Yes. Arnold got $10 a week for his allowance. $10 a week for four and one third weeks per month on average comes to $43.33. Your late fee is $50, so you're coming out ahead if you keep this place clean." She put her hand out to shake. "Whatd'ya say?"

"Hmmm..." Mr. Hyunh thought about it for a moment. "Deal." He shook her hand.

"Great, start with the load of dishes in the sink. I want them sparkling. And I better have the rent by tomorrow."

He practically ran down the stairs.

A little man tried to sneak out of his room while she was talking to Mr. Hyunh. Oskar was trying to get out of the house without Helga noticing. She moved right in front of him, blocking his path downstairs.

"Hello, new-Arnold," he said in a thick Eastern European accent. A sheepish smile was plastered on his face. He had to have heard Helga's conversation with Mr. Hyunh.

"Where's the rent, Bucko?"

"I have no rent today." He droned. It sounded like he was complaining. "I get it to you tomorrow."

"Why don't you have the rent?"

"I lost it in a horse race. I forget it is the first of the month."

"Uh huh. Well there's this new $50 late fee if you can't pay on the first." The wedding ring on his finger painted this guy as an obvious mark. "I could ask your wife for it when she gets home from work..."

He got on his knees and put his hands together begging. "Please no! My wife... she will kill me." His tone still indicated that he was complaining despite his groveling position.

"Fine, maybe we can work out a deal. I will waive the late fee and not tell your wife you lost your rent money if you do all of Arnold's chores for a month."

He stood up and smiled patronizingly. "What!? I no do chores!"

"Then I'll just get the rent from your wife-"

He fell back to his knees. "No! I will do chores! Please!" He spoke with the genuine tone Helga was looking for.

"Hear that Mr. Hyunh!" Helga shouted. "Oskar is sharing your chores. You know what that means!?"

"Less work for Mr. Hyunh?" he called from downstairs.

"No. Not at all." Helga shook her head. "I want a deep clean! Make this place spotless! Get to it, Oskar!" Oskar ran downstairs to help Mr. Hyunh.

Helga went to the next door and knocked. Some guy she hadn't met yet answered only wearing white underwear. "Uh... yeah?"

Helga wouldn't let his state of undress rattle her. "First of the month, buddy. Where's your rent?"

'Gobble, gobble'

"What was that?"

"What was what?"

"That was a turkey, wasn't it."

"...No."

'Gobble, Gobble.'

Helga sighed. These tenants were giving her a headache. "Let's start with the rent. Do you have it?"

The guy in his underwear tried to stall "uhh... No. But I can pay you tomorrow."

"Great, with a $50 late fee."

'Gobble'

"Late fee!?"

"That's right. Ten percent is standard."

"Maybe we can work something out."

'Gobble, gobble'

Helga smirked. "Perhaps we can. I hear the rain gutters need cleaning, the carpet needs to be shampooed, and we could use a third common bathroom."

The guy hung his head. "...Agreed."

"Get all that done by Thanksgiving, and I'll let you keep the turkey. Otherwise, I'll have two turkeys to eat!"

The guy, Helga started to recall his name was Mr. Pretty, ran out to get to work. That couldn't have been his name. If it was, it was a misnomer. The guy was not attractive.

"Put some pants on first!" Helga shouted.

The guy ran back into his room. Helga rolled her eyes, vowing to whip this place into shape.

Helga walked to the next door. A camera panned watching her. She stood in front of a retina scanner embedded in the wall. A bright red light shined in her eyes. After it had finished, an envelope slid out from under the door. The front said 'Thank you, Helga'. Helga inspected its contents. A check for $500 written out to Phil was inside.

"No, thank you, Mr. Smith." She should have been more pissed off that she never submitted a retina scan. She savored the respect too much to be mad about the invasion of privacy.

"You let blondie boss you around!?" Someone was laughing downstairs. "You two are such wimps!"

Helga needed to see if the tenants were still working. When she went down she found a green concrete block at the foot of the staircase. "What is this piece of junk doing here!?"

"That's not junk!" Ernie swaggered out of the kitchen up to her. "That's the last slab of the old Jefferson Hotel. I just got done demolishing it." He crossed his arms in victory.

"Move it! Or I will!" Helga demanded.

"Make me!" Ernie demanded right back.

Helga opened the front door. She turned and grabbed the block. It didn't budge.

"Haha! Good luck, little girl!" he taunted up at her. "That thing isn't moving unless I move it." He pointed his thumb at his chest like he was some kind of tough guy.

Helga glared at him. This misogynistic pig needed to be taught a lesson. She knew exactly how to deal with blowhards like him.

She held his gaze as she spit on her palms and bent her knees. She grabbed the stone and lifted. All of her muscles in her body strained at the exertion, but it slowly came off the floor.

She managed to get it a foot off the ground. Still holding his eyes, she rocked it back and forth, back and forth. It flew out of the open doorway and crumbled on the sidewalk.

"Woah..." Earnie said. There was also a pair of gasps that came out of the kitchen.

"Great!" She wiped her hands together with a job well-done. "Do you have the rent or not?"

He slouched his shoulders, trying to look smaller. "Uh, mind if I get it to you tomorrow?"

"Sure. With a $50 late fee."

"I'll do chores!"

Helga loomed over him with her hands on her hips. "Good. Your first chore is to clean the sidewalk. Someone smashed a brick out there and I want it gone. After that, help the guy hiding a turkey build the new bathroom."

"Yes, sir!" He ran to get a shovel.

Only Mr. Smith had the rent. And all of them were trying to get away with some bullshit, but that was it. All the tenants were doing her chores for her, plus a new bathroom. Now came the hard part, managing the chaos.

Helga grabbed the book she needed to finish reading for her English essay and went to the living room.

Phil was in a rocking chair watching a court procedural on TV. Gertrude was wearing a Viking helmet, horns and all, and sat behind of some kind of press machine making chain mail.

"I only got rent from one tenant, sorry."

"That's okay." Phil said. "It's not due 'til the first of the month."

Helga started to say something, then she let it go. Arnold did say to roll with it.

Helga sat on the couch with her book. She checked her phone to find a reply from Olga.

[They miss you.] Guilt, Olga's secondary weapon. When she didn't get her way with flirting, she would cry. She hadn't used it on her sister in a long time. It wouldn't work.

[I do not miss them.]

A Thursday, it was nice and quiet. Too quiet.

"I DON'T HEAR WORKING!" The din of the tenants doing their chores began anew. Helga sighed. It was a good afternoon.


	8. Lila's Confession

**Lila's Confession**

**Seventh Grade**

"Lila, hey," came Arnold's gentle voice. He was probably going to use some excuse to get closer to her. That happened every time they talked. At least his affections had turned less overt in the last year.

"Oh, good morning, Arnold." Where was she? She was always close, skulking in some half-hidden place.

"I was wondering if I could borrow that book you were talking about." He wasn't so bad, Lila could even genuinely say she liked him as a friend. "It sounded interesting."

"Of course. And I'm certain I would love to discuss the book with you." No one else she knew read the series. She took the first book out of her backpack and handed it to him.

"Thanks, Lila. Uh..." his hand rubbed the back of his neck. "I hate to borrow and run, but I should go. See you at lunch?"

"See you at lunch, Arnold."

Arnold walked away with one last wave. Lila would 'pay' dearly for that. She sighed. It was best if she just let what was going to happen happen.

After a few seconds, her blood turned cold. Helga was already on her, that monster who terrorized the entire seventh and eighth grade. Her shadow grew over the smaller girl. Helga was a predator bearing down on her prey. Lila clutched her books to her chest, knowing there was no escape.

"You better back off, ms. Perfect!" Lila turned around to find a livid Helga and a dispassionate Phoebe. She was so tall.

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about, Helga." Lila said sweetly. As long as she denied everything, Helga would eventually believe her. It was the truth after all.

"Don't play dumb. I saw you talking to Arnold, batting your eyelashes, flirting your head off. You'll stop that right now if you know what's good for you!"

"He just asked me if he could borrow a book," Lila said sheepishly. "It's not like he was asking me out again. I-"

"I WILL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!"

"Calm down, Helga." Lila finally spoke with confidence. Playing weak wasn't working like it did with everyone else. Perhaps Helga needed a show of strength. "Even if he did, I'm ever so certain I would tell him 'no.' And not just because I know you like him. Honestly, Helga, I don't 'like him' like him."

"And I'm supposed to believe that!? What do I look like? A sucker?"

"I'm certain you don't. He is not my type."

Helga's head rolled back. "Bullshit! He's everyone's type. He's the smartest guy in our class, he's always going out of his way to help people, his raw charisma can silence a room or evoke the loudest cheers, he's fucking gorgeous-"

"All of that is true... except I don't think he's gorgeous."

"What? That doesn't even make any sense! Are you even speaking English!? Out of every girl I've had to threaten to stay away from him, you're the only one who doesn't think he's hot?"

"Any denial on your part that Arnold is attractive is extremely disingenuous," Phoebe added.

Helga continued. "He's getting taller, all the sports he plays are paying off in the muscle department, and how could you not fall in love with those beautiful emerald eyes? He's only going to get even more gorgeous, I will never be able to catch up with my gangly body. God! How can you not think he's the hottest hunk of man-meat-"

"Because I don't like 'hot hunks of man-meat'!" Did she just say that? How did that come out?

"Huh?" Helga had a confused look on her face. She had to think about the sentence for a few seconds before the full meaning of it hit her. "Oh! Okay." She calmed down. "So you're not into... boys?"

Helga had her cornered. There was no denying it. "...no," Lila said meekly.

"Are you... into girls?"

This was it. For the first time, Lila was about to admit it out loud in front of people. "...yes." A chill spread through her heart as she said the word. It was a betrayal.

Helga squinted at her for a moment. "That's awesome!"

Lila looked up at her bully. "It... It is?"

"Yeah! Totally!"

"Same-sex attraction is exhibited in several species in the animal kingdom and is perfectly natural," Phoebe said.

"...Thank you." A wave of relief washed over Lila. She suddenly felt a warmth rise in her heart.

Helga scratched the back of her elbow. "Uh... Sorry about... everything."

"I'm ever-so sure you have nothing to apologize for, Helga. And honestly, you should just tell him how you feel."

"That, or forget about him and move on with your life," Phoebe said.

"I wish I could do either of those things."

"What's stopping you?"

"Everyone would think I've gone soft if they knew I had a crush on a boy!"

"All the girls already know. I'm certain you must have threatened every one of them."

"Twice. I have a checklist."

"Helga, I'm certain no one is going to judge you."

"What if- What if he doesn't like me back? What would I do then!?

Lila was taken aback. "I... don't know." Helga's obsession with Arnold hit a little close to home. Lila knew her own crush didn't 'like her' like her. If she confessed her feelings, the response would absolutely devastate her.

"Hold on." Helga studied Lila's face. She saw it, the mask Lila wore every moment of every day. She had never felt so naked. "You have a crush too!"

Deny! "I'm certain I have no idea what you're talking about."

Helga narrowed her eyes at Lila. "Yes you do. You 'like like' someone. Who is it?"

"It's okay, Lila," Phoebe reassured her. "We will absolutely not judge you. And the process of revealing secrets about ourselves will bring us closer as friends."

"And don't say 'Rhonda'."

Deflect! "While I do know Helga 'like likes' Arnold, I'm certain I have no idea who Phoebe may be-"

"Gerald," Phoebe stated matter-of-factly. "We hold hands every morning on our way to school and, on occasion, he takes me out on dates."

It's working. "I didn't know you had a boyfriend, Phoebe."

"While Gerald and I do have an affinity for one another, I do not think of him as my boyfriend-"

"We get it, Pheebs. Your relationship is complicated. Now Lila..."

No! No! No! "Oh gosh, this is just ever-so embarrassing." That was a line she could never cross. She had never felt so helpless in her life. No wonder Helga lashed out.

"That good, huh?"

"You have no reason to be embarrassed, Lila."

Lie! Name anyone. Anyone but the truth or Rhonda. She closed her eyes and said the next person she could think of. "Nadine."

"Nadine, huh?" Helga took a look across the school yard to where she and Rhonda were talking. "I can see it."

That gave Lila the tiniest sliver of hope. If Helga could be that understanding, maybe, someday... "I... suppose I have a certain weakness for blondes," Lila admitted. It just slipped out, she hadn't meant to say anything. She had to get more control over herself around Helga.

"Well, we do have more fun," Helga said in a playful tone.

The bell rang, signaling the end of their morning break.

"See you at lunch." Phoebe scurried off to class.

Helga put her arm around Lila. They had their next class together and, apparently, Helga was going to walk her there.

"Hey, I know all the 'ever-so's are just a cover, but you don't need to hide yourself from me."

But she did. Helga, of all people, could never know her deepest secret.

Helga... the object of Lila's affection, and totally unattainable. Despite Helga's rebellious attitude and tomboyish interests, she wasn't the least bit into girls. She wasn't really into boys either though, she was only into one person. Helga was too close, she was going to figure everything out. Lila had to run. She could never be close to anyone, much less the girl she like-liked.

"I'm ever so sure I would never want to come between you and Phoebe..."

"Stop doing that!" Helga snapped. "Look, I know it's an act. So you better drop it around me if you know what's good for you."

Lila stopped. She had no idea how to handle this girl. Helga had a focus that was impossible to escape. "Sorry."

Helga studied her for a moment. "We gotta go out, just me and you."

Lila's heart skipped a beat "You want to... do something... with me? But I thought-"

"I'm thinking, rodeo. There's a thing next month. But we can hammer out the details later. Sleepover with all three of us at my place Saturday night."

"That's ever-. Okay not 'ever'." Get it together, Lila. "That's so... cool? of you."

"There she is! There's my Lila," Helga boomed. "So tell me about this book you lent Arnold."

* * *

**Sophomore Year - October**

Lila made it look like she was considering a darker shade of lipstick. She had the color she liked in her left hand. She wasn't planning on buying either of them. All she had to do was wait.

Phoebe was looking at powder. She was feeling like she should wear a little more makeup for her boyfriend. The whole idea was new to her, she never had to deal with having to look a certain way.

Helga was standing right next to Phoebe examining everything. She kept asking "what is this stuff?" Helga never had to wear any makeup. Her face wasn't perfect by a long shot, but the bitch was still gorgeous. Helga balked every time Lila had tried to teach her. She wouldn't wear makeup if someone paid her.

"Hey, toots. Lemmie ask you a question." Helga began unwittingly distracting the sales lady. All attention in the store lept to her while Lila slipped the lipstick away. "Let's say I want to paint my whole face solid white-"

"Then you should visit a Halloween store," the salesperson replied.

"Let's say I wanted to do it high-end," Helga continued. "How much would that cost me?"

Lila moved away from everyone else and slipped a bottle of nail polish up her sleeve.

The salesperson groaned. Helga was the best-possible person to go shopping with. Wherever they went, she would make a scene, distracting everyone in the store. Lila could do whatever she wanted. And what she wanted was to steal things.

"Are you ready, Lila?" Phoebe asked.

"Oh Phoebe, yes. I'm sure I am," Lila announced.

This was it. The pair walked right up to the register. Only Phoebe had a purchase to make, Lila would stand there and look innocent. That was the part she loved the most. More than the free stuff, this was about doing it right under people's noses. Why, no one would dream of suspecting the perfect little girl right in front of them of stealing. Sweet words and a pretty face went a long way. Lila needed to push it. She loved the rush she got from almost getting caught.

"Thank you for shopping with us today," the lady at the register said with a fake smile, her eyes darting to Helga every few seconds. Idiots focused on the wrong person. Lila couldn't help but give a smile of her very own.

Phoebe took the bag. "Thank you."

Lila knew why she did it, it was the only thing that made her feel good anymore. Even her two best friends didn't know.

Of course, they didn't know a lot about her. They knew she was a lesbian, and that was true enough. It was the one secret she had, her one "flaw."

It wasn't a flaw, though, not to them. It was only a flaw to him. And he didn't know, he couldn't know. He would send her away if he knew, off to some religious conversion therapy. Lila had begun to hate her father.

"Welcome home, sweetie," he said when Lila got back home. Lila's father was where he always was. In his recliner, right in front of the television, watching religious programming. She couldn't even look at him.

"Hi, daddy."

He was a blob. Not a single opinion of his own. He only regurgitated what he heard on the news and from the church leaders. He needed to be led by the nose.

Lila sat on the couch. She hated television. Case in point, an old minister was on, selling buckets of food and ranting about the end of the world. Her father watched with rapt attention.

After a few minutes, Lila finally summoned the courage to ask. "It's mom's birthday next week. Are we going to go see her?"

"I don't think so, sweetie. I've been really busy at work lately. I promise we'll make it back to Pleasantville in a month or two."

Lila held herself back, only letting her lip quiver the slightest bit. After her mom's death, Lila's dad had moved them to Hillwood, even though they couldn't afford it. He had said they needed a fresh start. Lila didn't need a 'fresh start', she loved Pleasantville. She hated being away from her old friends, her house, her mother's final resting place. Lila wanted to yell, wanted to scream.

"Okay, daddy..." She went upstairs to her room. Only when she was safe and alone could she let herself cry.

He wanted to act like she never even existed. He hated the memories that Lila treasured. She could never forget her mother. She ran a cattle ranch and had a strong voice. Her mother taught her how to ride a horse, shoot a gun, and so many other things. Lila would always remember those warm hands and kind blue eyes.

Lila looked around her room. Old furniture, baby blue wallpaper, stuffed animals sitting on rickety shelves, and there were horses everywhere. It was a child's room. Lila hadn't been a child since she was nine, since she lost her mother and stole for the very first time, a packet of crackers from the convenience store. It wasn't her fault, she was oh so hungry and her father didn't have a job.

They should have starved. Lila never forgot how her father ate their last can of beans before he got his job. The selfish slime was perfectly fine with letting his own daughter go hungry so he could have lunch. It wasn't like he got paid on day one anyway. Lila had to steal for three entire weeks, a granola bar here and a bag of chips there. Never the same place twice.

Helga. What would Helga do? Yell at her father, mercilessly tear his flesh using her words as a whip. She had dealt with worse. Even that slug in the family room was nothing compared to that bear, Bob Pataki. That man was a psychopath who thought the entire world belonged to him. But he couldn't control Helga. She wouldn't take a single ounce of abuse.

Lila picked up a plastic horse sitting on her nightstand. Her father got her a new one every year on her birthday. It was like he wanted her to stay a child.

Lila wasn't as strong as Helga, but she could control her space. And that would be enough. All the horse stuff, every stuffed animal was thrown into a cardboard box. She could donate all of her old things and they would be out of her life forever.

Lila's father stood in the doorway just as she finished. "What are you doing, sweetie?" He had that high, condescending tone. The one that meant she was a little girl and he was her parent.

"I've decided to make a change." Lila picked up the box.

He peered into the box and pulled out that stupid horse. "But pumpkin, you love your little horses."

Lila should have taped the box shut. She snatched the horse out of his hand. "They were great when I was a child, but I'm certain I've grown out of them." She stepped past him.

"A- Are you sure?" He moved out of the way.

"Oh, I'm ever so sure, daddy," Lila said over her shoulder as she started carefully down the stairs.

"M- May- Maybe you should-"

Lila went right out the front door, avoiding having to hear the weasel. It worked pretty well.

"Hey, Lila." It was Arnold because of course it was. Anytime someone was in trouble, there Arnold was. Lila liked Arnold, but at the moment she just wanted to be left alone. Even Phoebe's quiet company would be too much.

"Hello Arnold. Its oh too good to see you."

"What's in the box?"

"Oh, just some old things I'm on my way to donate to a good cause."

"That's great. Do you need help carrying it?"

"Oh, Arnold, I'm certain I can carry it myself." Hopefully he was just trying to be a gentleman and would get the hint.

"Okay... if you're sure. See you at school tomorrow." He went on his way with one last wave.

Arnold was no blob or bear. He was adventurous and had a kind soul. Helga had chosen well. Lila wanted them to be together so much she could die. It would make Helga so happy, and Helga deserved to be happy.

A plan formed in Lila's head on the way to the donation center. After she dropped off the box, she texted Helga.

[I need to borrow Arnold]

Helga should be okay with it. After all, it wasn't like she was going to steal him.


	9. Arnold's Costume

**Arnold's Costume**

**Sophomore Year - October**

Arnold sat across from Gerald at their usual lunch table. Gerald had his arm around his new girlfriend and wouldn't let her go. They had been joined at the hip for the last two weeks, forcing the boys' and girls' side of the table to mix a little more than they usually did.

It was a refreshing change of pace. The girls started saying more than three words to him, though they still would only respond to questions he asked them directly. Lila was more talkative than she had been in years. She talked to him while Gerald and Phoebe made cute faces at each other.

"I got a great idea for our group Halloween costume!" Helga shouted as she slammed her lunch tray down on the table to get everyone's attention. "We go as the Gotham City Sirens!"

"I'm certain I don't understand, Helga. Who are the Gothic City Sirens?" Lila asked carefully.

"Catwoman, Poison Ivy, and Harley Quinn." She pointed to Phoebe, Lila, and herself in succession.

"That doesn't really help," Lila said.

"I believe she is referring to villains of the Batman canon," Phoebe said.

"They're three awesome women who kick ass and take names."

"I am afraid I must decline, Helga," Phoebe said. "Gerald and I will be wearing a couple's costume this year."

"That's not a problem at all. What'dya say, Tall-hair boy? Whatever you were gonna go as, wanna upgrade to the Dark Knight?"

"Oh I'll put the 'Dark' in Dark Knight," Gerald chuckled. "Batman is the best superhero."

"You're god-damn right he is!" Helga said. "See, Pheebs? There's no better couple than Catwoman and Batman. It's like... destiny or some bullshit like that. Point is, they're meant to be."

"I don't know, Helga..." Phoebe said. "The costumes in your comics are quite intricate."

"Lila makes her own clothes and I'm no slouch myself. It'll be easy."

"I'm ever-so certain We haven't been invited to a party."

"Au contraire, Phil is already talking about plans for the party they are going to throw at the boarding house. I bet I can convince them to let us throw a party on the roof."

"Hey, Arnold, if I'm gonna be Batman, you should go as Joker," Gerald said.

"Why would I go as the Joker?" Arnold asked. "If you're Batman, I should be Superman. They're supposed to be friends, right?"

"Superman sucks!" Gerald reasoned.

"Geez, Geraldo. A few more of those and we might just be able to be friends," Helga said.

"No, I mean because they are friends and so are we," Arnold said.

Helga started talking to Lila and Phoebe about how they would do their costumes. Gerald pulled Arnold away so no one could hear them talk.

"Helga is going to be Harley! Joker and Harley are TO-GETHER. It'll be an excuse for her to hang all over you ALL NIGHT LONG!"

"I'm pretty sure she'll just use it as an excuse to make fun of me. I'll do it wrong somehow."

"Not if you go as the right Joker."

"What do you mean 'the right Joker'? Is there a wrong Joker?"

"YES! And whatever you do, do NOT ask stupid questions like that around Helga. She reads Batman comics like a religion."

"...We can get an actual Catwoman costume in your size and modify it," Helga said. "The only problem is we need three pairs of boots."

"I'm certain I can get them," Lila said. "I know this oh too cute shoe store across town."

"Arnold's down to be the Joker," Gerald announced.

"Whatever," Helga said waving them off. "You guys are just accessories anyway."

* * *

Arnold spend the next two weeks learning the basics of Batman from Gerald. He never knew there were so many versions of a single character, so many universes.

Gerald suggested Arnold go as Joker from The Dark Knight because it was accessible to a wider audience and it wouldn't offend a hardcore fan like Helga. Finding the parts to the costume was easier than Arnold thought. He found the entire thing online. The hard part was getting the makeup just right.

Halloween night finally arrived and Arnold walked to Gerald's house so they could go to the boarding house together. He was already out front when Arnold got there, posing with a bunch of kids. An adult was taking pictures on her phone. When they were done, they ran off to go trick-or-treating.

"You got kids to take pictures with you?" Arnold offered his fist in their secret handshake.

"What can I say? People like Batman." Gerald completed the shake.

Arnold chuckled shaking his head and they walked to the boarding house.

When they knocked, Grandpa opened the door. He was wearing an undertaker's outfit and carried a tombstone. "Hey there, short-man!" Arnold smiled at Grandpa's usual greeting. It really did feel like going home. "You're looking menacing."

"Hey grandpa."

"Hey Phil," Gerald said.

"Would ya stop calling me 'Phil'!" Grandpa said.

"Happy Arbor Day, Arnold!" Grandma was dressed as a tree. She cackled as she pranced away.

"Pookie! Your hip!" Grandpa mumbled something else under his breath.

"What's been going on around here?" Arnold asked.

"Oh the usual, hula dancers and rings of fire," Grandpa deadpanned. "It's been pretty exciting since you left. Not like a run-down old boarding house at all." Oskar came up to grandpa with a sheepish smile. "Case in point," Grandpa grumbled.

"Grandpa, I'm going to be late on the rent again tomorrow," Oskar pleaded. "Please don't let that horrible girl make me do chores again."

"One, I'm not your grandpa! You're worse than Gerald. Two, Helga's the property manager. If you don't want to do chores, pay her on time!"

"But I don't want to do chores anymore." Oskar stomped his foot and trudged away.

"Coulda' had Casa Paradiso." Grandpa shook his head.

Arnold and Gerald laughed.

"Your little friends are upstairs, party on the roof."

"Thanks." Arnold started up the stairs.

"Feels like there's something I'm forgetting..." Grandpa scratched his head. "Oh! I know! Stay away from number 5. It's off limits tonight." He winked.

"Whatever you say, grandpa." They started up the stairs toward the roof.

"Thanks, Steely-P." Gerald said pointing his index fingers at him.

"Don't call-" Grandpa stopped and thought for a moment. "Actually, that isn't half bad."

Arnold nudged Gerald with his elbow. Gerald chuckled.

Number 5 was a small single room with a murphy bed. Gerald had stayed there for a week once. Rhonda's family also stayed there for a short time years ago. Otherwise, it didn't get much use. Arnold looked at the door as they passed, wondering why he wasn't allowed in. Grandpa would have told him if it was a new tenant. And it was only for that one night? The Sunset Arms wasn't a hotel.

"Holy fuck this thing's tight!" A familiar voice stopped Arnold and Gerald in their tracks. Helga must have been using that room to get changed. Probably because of the skylight.

Gerald's eyes went wide. They were practically pleading with Arnold.

"Is yours this tight?"

Phoebe said something in a normal voice, but they couldn't make out precisely what she said. The door muffled the sound of everything except Helga's shouting.

Gerald grabbed on to Arnold's coat with a smile bigger than Arnold's entire head.

Arnold figured they should both get out of there and see how the party was going and dragged Gerald out of the hallway.

When they started up the stairs to the roof, Gerald couldn't take it anymore. "Mmm mm Mmm! Christmas came EARLY this year!" Thankfully, they were out of earshot. "I cannot wait, my brother."

Arnold could only smirk and nod in agreement as he opened the door.

Lila was the only one there and she was arranging snacks on a table in normal clothes.

"Oh, hi Arnold, hi Gerald. I'm oh too glad you're here." Lila flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Do you mind finishing setting up while I get changed?" She clasped her hands in front of her chest.

"Sure, Lila."

"Got your back Li'."

She went out the door and down the stairs. Arnold finished arranging the snacks while Gerald went to work on the sound system.

Some guys and girls from school started arriving. Soon, the roof was pretty full. Arnold glanced involuntarily at the door every time it opened. He kept getting disappointed until the girls came through the door together.

"I am the luckiest guy in the fucking world..." Gerald said.

All Arnold could see was Helga. She was wearing a corset and miniskirt with alternating red and black stripes. She wore her pigtails high on her head and the tips looked like they were dipped in black and red paint. Arnold couldn't take his eyes off of the three diamonds painted on her thigh.

Arnold found himself gawking, not knowing how much time had passed while he just stood there staring at her.

Suddenly, Helga was right in front of him, giving him a coy look. "Hey Arnold," she said sweetly.

"Helga... you look amazing..." Arnold managed.

"Thank you. The costume isn't exactly canonical. This is my own take on Harley Quinn." Helga spun the mallet in her hands, Arnold hadn't noticed it until then. "I see you picked an acceptable Joker. Did Gerald help you?" She smirked at him and rested the hammer on her shoulder.

"No, I picked Heath Ledger because..." Arnold took a quick breath, he had rehearsed this. "He was the most-accurate movie representation of the Joker's philosophy." He had memorized more, but Helga's growing smile told him he was done.

"Oh totally! I hate how most writers refuse to understand Joker's nihilism and either portray him as 'wacky'! Nothing he ever does is random! Don't get me started, I could go on all night." She waved the conversation off and smiled at him.

Arnold was relieved, he did not think he could keep up with her. But he liked it when she talked about things she enjoyed. She looked genuinely happy. That was so rare for her.

"Hey Arnold." It took a moment for him to recognize Lila's voice. Lila was covered in fabric leaves that had been attached to a green leotard. She also had matching gloves and boots. Her costume was very modest compared to Helga's.

"Hey, Lila. That's a great costume."

"Thank you ever so much, Arnold. That's very sweet of you to say. I just feel so exposed." The comment was strange, she had most of her body covered, the only skin showing were her thighs and upper arms.

"You're fine, Lila. Any guys hit on you and I'll hammer them into the ground." They wandered into the crowd together.

Left alone, Arnold looked over to find Phoebe's legs wrapped around Gerald's waist. Their lips were locked together. It was going to be a long night. Arnold decided to catch up with friends he hadn't seen in a long time. Harold was pretty distracted. Iggy talked his ear off about rap music. And Eugene was too busy dancing to engage in much conversation.

His eyes always found her. At least once a minute he caught himself staring at her near the snack table.

Helga's eyes flicked around, knowing she was being watched. They quickly meet his. She caught him. He tried to rip his gaze off of her and couldn't. She held him hostage with a slight scowl and shifted her weight.

The back-arch accentuated her butt. Her ass looked amazing. That and everything down to her boots. They had a heel that showed off her toned legs. Helga crossed her arms causing her breasts to practically spill out of her costume. She looked equal parts sexy and deadly. Arnold couldn't take his eyes off of her.

"Who said you could look at me!?" Helga was livid. The music and conversation stopped with the roof falling deathly quiet. The jig was up, she finally realized he had been ogling her all night. She was going to beat him up in front of everyone and he deserved it. He should have respected her more, she wasn't an object.

Helga walked right up to him. Arnold cringed, his eyes going to the floor. Suddenly, a pair of breasts in a corset filled his vision. Arnold looked up to see Helga glaring at him.

"Hold this, Arnold," she said calmly, extending the drink in her hand to him. "I need to teach this pervert a lesson."

Arnold took the cup, totally confused, expecting the hardest punch of his life, unable to form words.

"Yeah! You!" She shouted, looking over Arnold's right shoulder. "Sid!"

Everyone looked at Sid. He was trying to hide behind a crowd and shielded his face with his hands. He couldn't bring himself to look at her.

Helga marched up to him and picked him up by his collar. "This!" Helga motioned to her costume. "Is not for you! It's for me! I am not an object! Stop! Fucking! Staring!" She turned around and began to walk away. "And if you go anywhere near Lila again, I'll kill you!"

Gerald hit the music and everyone returned to having fun. With everything that happened in the span of a few seconds, Arnold could barely catch his breath. But before he could get his bearings, he found himself being pulled into the crowd.

"Come on, Arnold. Dance!" Lila said, pulling on his arm. He had no choice but to let her take him where she wanted to go. "Trust me, it'll help you loosen up." They danced together for about a minute before someone else got her attention and she danced away.

Arnold was totally uncomfortable. People shifted around, their faces a total blur. He shuffled back and forth with his feet in an effort to fit in. It seemed like what everyone else was doing. Then he bumped into something hard. "Sorry about that," he said.

Helga smirked at him with that look in her eyes. That look meant she was up to something. "There's my favorite punching bag." She grabbed onto his collar and pulled him closer so he couldn't escape. She put his arm around her waist. "Dance with me so these other idiots don't get any ideas."

Here he was again, playing with Fire. She was still taller by a good amount, but they moved together as if they were made for each other. Arnold silently thanked his grandma for teaching him to dance. Of course, she had taught him ballroom dancing. This was much more casual, less structured. Helga was much better at it. Still, Arnold was confident he wasn't making a fool of himself.

They took cues from each other. Helga would take the lead with one move and Arnold would finish it starting one of his own. And she actually followed, flowing into her own move and he would follow.

They danced for a long time. Arnold didn't check exactly how long. Eventually, the party died down. Harold took most of the guys off to go get some alcohol. Most of the girls left shortly after that, leaving Phoebe, Gerald, Lila, Helga, and Arnold sitting on a couch they had brought up.

"It's getting late..." Arnold mentioned.

"Yeah..." Lila agreed. The five of them got out of their seats.

Arnold was about to get out of the way when Helga put her hand on Arnold's shoulder. He thought she wanted to say something to him, instead she was using him to stabilize herself while she did something with her boots. Arnold resolved not to look and didn't say anything. He figured he should just try to look cool until she was done. He relaxed himself, desperately trying not to stare at her twisting form.

A flash of light went off. Lila stood a few feet away holding her phone.

"I'm deleting that," Helga demanded.

"Relax, Helga. I took it with your phone." Lila handed Helga the phone and Helga ran her finger across the screen a few times. Arnold couldn't see what the picture looked like, but Helga must have liked it. She had a smile on her face when she looked back up at her.

She handed the phone back to Lila. "Okay, get one where I'm kissing him."

"What?" Arnold asked.

He never got an answer. Helga pressed her lips to his cheek and Lila took another picture.

"Oh my gosh!" Lila started laughing so hard she couldn't keep herself up. "Arnold's face..."

"It's just a kiss, Arnold. Don't look shocked," Helga said.

A kiss and he wasn't supposed to be shocked. Another kiss that meant nothing to her. Just like the Romeo and Juliet play, just like on the roof of the FTI building, just like in the Green Eyes' hidden city. The entire story of how Arnold fell in love with Helga and all she can say is 'it's just a kiss.' Arnold sighed.

"Joker doesn't do that. Aloof is good when it comes to Harley. You were doing good. Take it again Lila."

Aloof? The smartest, most beautiful girl in school, not to mention one of the best athletes, and he was supposed to be aloof when she kissed him.

It was some stupid unfair game. A game he didn't understand. Helga did what she wanted and didn't care how it affected anyone else, especially Arnold.

Lila took another picture, this time Arnold had the tiniest bit of anger in his eyes.

"Now one where I'm all over him." Helga stood in front of him, resting her back on his chest and her ass on his crotch.

It took all of his focus not to look down her body. He looked away, being aloof, as instructed. She would never be interested in him. Looking would only make him more frustrated.

Despite all of his efforts, he felt himself growing, his breathing became irregular, his chest was pounding. It was the 'boner-boy' incident al over again. She did a few more poses, twisting and spinning around him. Before it got out of hand, it was over.

Helga took her phone from Lila and swiped through the pictures. Helga smiled while Phoebe and Lila giggled.

"You make a pretty good backdrop, Football-Head," Helga said, eliciting more giggles from Lila and Phoebe. "Now I'm going to get a few of the lovebirds," she said toward Phoebe and Gerald.

Phoebe pulled Gerald to the spot where Arnold was. She stood in front of him with his hands on her waist.

"Boo!" Helga groaned. "Guys, this isn't prom. Phoebe, do something cat-like. Gerald, just be Batman."

Gerald pulled his chin down and used the cape to make him look as intimidating as possible. Phoebe put her wrists up like kitty paws and had a questioning look on her face.

"Give me sultry, Pheebs," Helga said.

Phoebe stomped her foot, a little annoyed.

"Yeah, like that." Helga took a picture.

"Angry?" Phoebe asked.

"A little, more confident though. You're a badass man-eater."

Phoebe tried her best to be 'confident' in between laughs. She held up a large glass diamond as a prop.

"Lila, would you like one?" Phoebe asked.

"No, no, no." She said as she opened the skylight and descended into Arnold's room.

The rest of them went down the normal stairs. Helga and Phoebe walked Arnold and Gerald out. Phoebe followed Gerald all the way down to the sidewalk. She pulled him down to her and tried to suck his lips off.

"Thanks for hanging out with me tonight." Helga smiled at Arnold hugely. "It was a lot of fun."

"Yeah, I had a good time."

"I know Superman suits you better. But, thanks for being my Joker..."

"No problem... Puddin'."

Helga laughed hysterically. "You're such a goof!"

"A... Joker!?"

Helga laughed again. "Okay, that was just bad." She was gorgeous when she smiled.

Arnold took a few steps down the stoop to the sidewalk. Phoebe ran into the boarding house. Helga smiled at her, then looking back at him, her face changed. She looked concerned.

"I'll be fine on the walk home, Helga," Arnold said.

"No, I um..." She started playing with one of her pigtails, twirling it with her finger. She needed to stop doing that. "I'll see you at school on Monday."

Arnold was waiting for her to say something mean and slam the door, but she never did.

"Goodnight, Helga."

"...Night." She started shutting the door slowly but didn't close it. Arnold started toward Gerald's house. He took one last look back confirming she had gone inside.

"Mmm mm MMM. And I thought I did good tonight," Gerald said. "But you..."

"You made out with Phoebe for half the party."

"You got a kiss too."

"On the cheek. It didn't mean anything. Not to her."

"Hey man, a kiss is a kiss. And don't go telling me it didn't mean anything. A kiss from Helga G. Pataki has GOT to mean something."

Romeo and Juliet, Babewatch, FTI, San Lorenzo, all were years and years ago. There was so much time in between. No way did she like him like that anymore. Besides, she could have any guy in school.

Still, Gerald had a point. A kiss from Helga had to mean something. Plus, she danced with him. Maybe they weren't enemies anymore. Maybe they were even starting to be friends.

* * *

I mean I could just stand near wherever he is and it wouldn't be weird. We are wearing related costumes, that's what all this was for. I threw a party just to be close to him.

Yes! I'm going to do it. I'm going to stand next to my beloved all night. I've wasted enough time already, no more middle school bullshit!

Where is that gorgeous, football-headed idiot? Oh, he's looking at me. Maybe I can reel him in.

That's right, Arnold. Take in the view. I look hot. What'cha gonna do about it? I need to get him alone somehow. Stupid skylight.

Ugh, all the other guys are staring too. Gross. I am going to have to make an example of the worst one.

Gerald hasn't noticed me. His lips are all for Phoebe. Smart boy. Harold's eyes are glued to the door, hasn't noticed Patty all night. Must be expecting someone else. I don't like the look of Curly's smile, but he's hardly the worst. Who else? Iggy, Park, and Stinky. Huh, even Eugene is stealing glances, that's fine.

The one slobbering the most is... Sid, of course. He even beat out Brainy. Where even is Brainy? Shit! Is he behind me? No. Weird. There he is. Who's that girl he's with? Doesn't matter.

"Who said you could look at me!?"

I need to get Arnold alone. God, he looks hot. Ugh, I almost wish he would have come as Superman. That thin material showing off those muscles. Mmm!

He's averting his eyes! How dare he!

Okay, Arnold. Ready for a good look? No? Too bad!

BAM! Feast your eyes!

Woah. He's as red as a tomato. He sure as hell noticed that time. Go on, take another look, Arnold. You have permission. Stop looking so guilty!

Now he decides to not look down. Ugh! I hate that he's such a gentleman. How am I supposed to get dirty with a guy who won't ogle me when I want him to?

You want to be a gentleman? Fine.

"Hold this, Arnold."

I do like that he's looking at my eyes though. Do you like my eyes, Arnold? They're deep and blue and just for you. I'm totally kissing that football head of his later.

First I've got some business to take care of. "I need to teach this pervert a lesson."


	10. Sid's Girl

**Sid's Girl**

**Sophomore Year - December**

Christmas is the most magical time of the year. The time of year when you should be able to tell people how you feel. It was finally time for Helga to come clean and declare her love for Sid.

It was the last day of school before winter break. If she didn't do it that day, she might not get the chance until Rhonda's New Year's party. But that was too long a wait, she had to do it as soon as possible.

Sid hung out with Stinky at his locker. They bullshit back and forth while people passed by on their way to wherever they were going.

As usual, he heard her long before he saw her. "And another thing!" Helga started yelling about whatever pissed her off that morning. Sid didn't care that she had an attitude, she was a bad girl. Bad girls were hot and Helga was the hottest girl in school. Slim waist, big tits, long legs, and he would die for that ass. Plus she was blonde and blonde girls were total sluts.

Helga, Lila, and Phoebe passed without saying anything to Sid. They were too intimidated. He only smiled. Once they were gone, he made his way through the crowd to his own locker.

He always knew which locker was his. It was the one to the left of Helga's. There was a dent in it from when she had threatened him the first day of freshman year. It had another dent from when he surprised her with a red rose for Valentine's Day. There was a third dent, but Sid had no idea why Helga had punched his locker that time. For all he knew, she could have been celebrating. She punched his locker a lot.

As much as she protested, she definitely liked him. Why else would she pick on him as much as she did? It took him a long time to discover it was all to hide her feelings for him.

It all started in fourth grade. She raged her way out of the cafeteria ranting hysterically about how she needed to stop being a bully to the guy she liked. When she saw him there, she tied him to the tether-ball pole. It wasn't really her fault, he had heard everything. Her secret was out, what else could she do? She felt so bad about it afterward, she couldn't bear to look at him. He kept her secret for her and never once brought it up.

She had this locket she wore on a chain around her neck sometimes, but most of the time she kept it in her pocket. It had Sid's picture in it. She had gone to the trouble of printing it out, cutting it into a heart shape, and taping it inside. She carried it everywhere and looked at it when she thought he wasn't watching.

She liked him, she just couldn't show it because she was such a tough girl. Or maybe she just wasn't being honest with herself. Either way, Sid had worn her down. It had taken over a year, but he finally made it, they would be together. And then he would have landed the hottest girl in school.

Sid checked himself in the mirror hanging in his locker. He was the definition of cool. He always dressed well, he had an 'I don't care' attitude, and who could deny his signature boots? Once he had Helga on his arm, he would rule the school.

"You're late," the teacher droned when he finally got to class. "Mr. Gifaldi, please explain why you are late every single day."

"I'm not always late. Everyone else is always early." The entire class laughed at his joke. The teacher gave him detention. Sid just acted like it was no big deal. Everyone respected him for that.

At lunch, Sid called Harold, Arnold, and Gerald to a free table away from the girls. He had news for them. His best friend, Stinky, was whipped by his girlfriend and had to sit with her. Luckily, Brainy walked by and Sid dragged him to the table. They'd all want to hear this.

"Today's the day, guys," Sid declared when they were all gathered.

"What day is today?" Arnold asked.

"Its the eighth day of Hanukkah," Harold said.

"Today is the day I ask Helga out."

"Sid, do NOT go after Helga." Gerald said. He was just jealous. Phoebe was Helga's sidekick, that would make Gerald his sidekick soon. "I am TELLIN' you, man, that can only end badly. Right, Arnold?"

Arnold didn't say anything. He just sat there with his eyes half-closed looking aloof. He was the second coolest guy in school after Sid. He didn't have that jealousy thing Gerald obviously had. Arnold didn't even have to say anything. Him not agreeing with Gerald was all the proof Sid needed.

"Don't ask her out, Sid," Arnold said, strangely. "Remember the Halloween party?"

Sid chuckled and shook his head. Poor, naive Arnold. No wonder he could never get a girl. "Yeah I remember the Halloween party. She made it totally obvious. The stolen glances, the bag of candy, dressing up as a slutty Harley Quinn just for me."

"You should to listen to her when she says 'no'," Arnold said. "Helga means what she says."

"We aren't kids anymore, Arnold." It was really cute. "See, girls like to play hard-to-get. They act like they don't want you when they really do." It explained a lot. Arnold respected women too much. He never made himself a threat, that's why they always saw him as a little brother. One day, Sid would have to teach the guy the finer points of landing a babe.

"Why do they do that, anyway?" Harold asked.

"They don't," Gerald said. "I am telling you this for your own good, Helga does not like you. Do not ask her out."

"Oh yeah! Then why did she tell me to stay away from Lila? She saw me talking to her and got totally jealous."

"Sid-"

"Brainy, you support me, right?"

"No," he wheezed and left it at that before walking away.

Turned out everyone was against him. "I gotta be a man and do it anyway." They'd all see when he had Helga Pataki catering to his every whim.

"Your funeral," Gerald said.

After school, Helga was at her locker rearranging books for the break. He swaggered over to her. He would have to be the coolest guy in school to go right for it. Good thing Sid Gifaldi was.

"Hey Helga."

"Hey, Big-nose."

"You know what they say about guys with big noses, right?" Sid quipped.

"That they should keep them out of my business." She stuck her head into her locker, trying to hide from him.

Sid laughed. "How long are we gonna play this game?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"This. Us. Me and you. When are you gonna drop the act and go out with me?"

Helga finally turned away from her locker to face Sid. "Why the fuck would I go out with a tiny shit like you?"

"'Helga, you can drop the act. No one's around. I know you're totally in to me."

"I'm in to you?" There it was. She finally admitted it. He may have had to drag it out of her, but she was so hot when she was angry.

"I'm so glad you're finally brave enough to admit it."

Helga slammed her locker shut and tried to run away. Sid should have expected this. Even though she could be honest, that didn't mean she wasn't still afraid of herself, afraid of what her body might make her do.

Sid caught up with her and walked at her side. All he had to do was seal the deal. "So how's tonight?"

"Sid, I do not want to go out with you. I never even think about you." Helga was going right back to the lie. She was so timid, like a scared puppy. "Leave me alone or I will pound you in to next week."

Everything she said was dripping with innuendo. Sid growled. "Sexy!" She wanted him so bad.

"Ugh!" Helga spat. "That's it. After school, Gerald Field."

"Kinda a weird location for a rendezvous, but okay. I'll meet you there."

"Great." Helga walked away.

Oh man! A date with Helga. Sid had to plan the perfect night. Dinner and a movie was too cliche. Ice-skating was lame. A horse-drawn carriage ride through the park wasn't going to get her into bed. He needed to go big.

He could start by taking her to his place. He, Stinky, and Joey had started a band and all their stuff was set up in his garage. They hadn't practiced in a few weeks, but Sid could shred a guitar. She might swoon right then and there. Good thing they had an old couch next to his dad's toolbox.

Big Gino was having a poker night at one of his establishments. Those nights were like something out of a James Bond movie. Sid was one of the best at Texas Hold-em. He could take Helga and she would be on his arm all night. With her on his arm how could he lose? It was his lucky night. Everyone there would have to recognize how cool he was. And Helga would be impressed, girls craved attention from winners.

Its always best to cap off the evening with a sexy adventure. He would take her to the city pool and they would go swimming. But oh no, they didn't have swim suits. They'd just have to skinny-dip. Oh no, it's December and its pretty cold. Looks like they'll have to hold each other for warmth. It was too easy.

Sid took a shower and got dressed. He knew he had to look good for poker night. He chose a white button-up shirt and a black tie with black pants and his beetle boots of course.

She was waiting for him when he got to the field. She was still wearing her normal school clothes. It wasn't a dress and high heels, but she still looked hot. She would look hot in anything, and even better in nothing.

"Hey babe," Sid called to her in a voice that would bring any woman to their knees.

"I thought a lot about not pounding you." Helga took her hat off and dropped it on the ground. Her hair was a bit messy, but it would get even more messed up by the end of their date.

"Awww. Don't say that. We've got all night." The sexual tension hadn't faded in the least.

Helga reached into her pocket and pulled out a pink ribbon. She tied her hair back with it. She was doing the naughty schoolgirl thing. Sid loved every moment of it. "I thought about giving you a whole lesson on feminism and treating women like human beings instead of objects. Actually listening to what they're saying. Not turning every little thing into a sexual joke. But I decided against it." She finished the bow with a quick, lusty pull.

"Good."

"You're a fuckboy. And fuckboys only understand one thing, manliness."

"Yeah we do!"

"Right. So you can either fight me or you can run away like a little bitch. And we both know you're not going to run away, your masculinity won't let you."

"I'm not going anywhere, baby. I love that you're going to put up a fight." It was all part of the act. She had the 'naughty schoolgirl' thing down.

Helga cracked her knuckles and started striding up to Sid. Oh man! She couldn't wait! She had to have him now. All that work planning the best date ever was too much.

"That's it, come to Papa!"

Helga sucker-punched Sid in the gut. She was playing impossible to get. And boy howdy, she wanted it rough.

No woman was beyond Sid's reach. He was able to grab her around the waist and he tried to push her to the ground with him on top. She didn't go down, she was still going to put up a fight. Once he dominated her, she'd know who's boss.

"What the fuck are you doing!?" she asked struggling in vain against him.

She grabbed his hands giving Sid room to get to his feet. They clasped together, fingers entwining, just like they always should have. Sid pulled her into a kiss. It was the perfect story, one they'd tell their kids. Their mom was a wild woman. No man could tame her. No man... until daddy came along.

"DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME!"

Helga's face came at Sid for the kiss and everything went dark.

* * *

Something must have happened. Sid couldn't explain it, he couldn't even remember how he ended up on the ground, the world spinning and ringing. When he got up, Helga was gone and his face felt like it had been crushed in a garbage truck. He couldn't find Helga anywhere.

Sid walked home trying not to think about it. A baseball must have hit him in the face.

"Sidney! Your nose is broken," Sid's dad said when he got home.

"Nah, I don't think so."

"No, that's a broken nose, son. We need to get you to the hospital. What happened? Who did this to you?"

"Nobody! I... fell. It wasn't even that bad."

* * *

The next day all the guys got together at Gerald field for a football game. Most of them had gotten there early. They laughed when they saw his headgear.

"Nice face, Sid!" Harold said.

"I reckon we know who the new Eugene is," Stinky said.

"Helga pounded you, right?" Gerald said.

"No. I took a boxing class."

The guys all laughed again, everyone except Arnold. "Are you okay Sid?" he asked inspecting Sid's face. "I think you should sit out today."

"I'm fine, it's just a bruised nose."

"All right! Let's get this show on the road! Everyone line up!" Helga shouted while approaching the field. Why wasn't she with the other girls where she belonged? The rest stopped playing with the men in seventh grade, but that bitch just kept coming back. "Get the fuck out of here, Sid! I don't want to see you again!"

"Sid has a right to be here, Helga," Arnold said. He was a great guy. A guy who knew who's team he was on.

"No he doesn't! He practically assaulted me yesterday!"

"Is that true, Sid?"

"Of course not." Sid said.

"Then what happened?"

"What?"

"You said you were going to ask Helga out," Arnold said. "What happened?"

"We met up here and she attacked me out of nowhere."

"Out of nowhere!?" Helga was hysterical. "He asks me out once a week and won't take 'no' for an answer. A good gut-punch from Ole' Betsy should have gotten the message across. Then the fucker grabbed my arms and tried to kiss me! So I gave him a head-butt. He deserved it! He crossed the line!"

"You can't meet violence with violence," Arnold said.

"That's not what happened..." Sid said.

Helga bore down on Arnold like she was going to pound him. Arnold wasn't backing down.

"Sid, I think you should go home," Arnold, the traitor, said.

"Hey man, I'm not leaving. You tell that crazy bitch to leave."

She grit her teeth and clenched her fists at her sides. Then, a sinister smile grew on her face. "We're playing tackle, right?"

"...Helga-"

"No. That's great. Gerald, you're the other captain. You take Sid and your boyfriend. Winner gets Phoebe for the rest of the day. No calls or texts from the loser."

Sid left the field before the game started. He wasn't going to play anyway. It wasn't that he was running away or anything, he just had a headache from his boxing class the day before. Besides, he had other stuff to do. At least he was able to stand up for himself and fend off Helga.

He would get her, she just needed time.

* * *

"Some 'Nice Guy' you are. You let him talk to me like that?"

"You broke his nose, Helga"

"He tried to kiss me."

Arnold visibly tensed.

"That bother you, football-head? I told him 'no' several times! He deserved what he got!"

"It isn't about 'deserve'."

"Oh yeah? What is it about? Mansplain it to me."

Arnold ground his teeth, but didn't say anything.

Helga knew she wasn't being fair. Arnold believed her side of the story. And he never said she shouldn't have broken Sid's nose, though he definitely thought it. Problem was he lived in his prefect little Arnold-World. He held himself to a high standard and expected everyone else to be as good as he was. It was one of the things she loved about him, and right then, it was a part of him she hated.

"What if he had my hands tied behind my back and you passed by, what would you have done?"

Arnold squeezed his eyes shut. "I don't know..." He opened them again and focused on hers, agitated.

"'I don't know, maybe I'd scold him'? or 'I don't know, definitely worse than breaking his nose'?"

The knuckles in Arnold's left hand went white and his cheeks scrunched for a split second. He didn't have to say it, Helga saw the flash of lightning in his eyes. She saw him cut Sid down in a single strike. Arnold wasn't a knight in shining armor and Helga didn't need anyone fighting her battles for her. But it was good to know they were on the same side, even if they disagreed about the outcome.

Helga lost the game on purpose. Gerald didn't make it easy, but he took his prize, an entire Saturday with Phoebe. And Helga took hers.

"You can make it up to me by buying me a chocolate shake at Slausen's."

Arnold sighed and gave her that half-smile she loved.


	11. Rhonda's Sister

**Rhonda's Sister**

**Sophomore Year - September**

Rhonda hung out with the girls for two entire weeks and she hadn't made any progress. The more time she spent with them, the more she felt like Ruth's underling, a position she was beginning to loathe. She needed to be at the top. She belonged at the top.

You can gauge someone's popularity by counting the number of times their name comes up in conversation when they're not around. Any rumor was a good rumor if your name was spoken in hushed tones. One name was on everyone's lips, 'Mary Margaret'.

That was Rhonda's goal. Those hushed tones would soon be 'Rhonda Lloyd'. She would only try one more time with these girls. She invited them to a party her father's firm was throwing downtown. Rich guys with connections ought to get Mary's attention.

Simone, Connie, Maria, and Cookie were all Mary loyalists. Rhonda worked hard to keep all of them at arms length. The jackals could smell weakness from a mile away. Ruth, on the other hand, didn't understand she was playing a game. The only two things she thought about were her social media accounts and her hair.

"So, like, who's going to be there?" Ruth asked.

"Finance guys."

Ruth went back to her phone. Rhonda was losing her.

"You know, guys with money who actually know how to treat a girl."

Ruth unconsciously raised an eyebrow. She had her.

"...Any of which would be better than Tommy."

"Ugh! If Tommy wants Maria to string him along, that's his deal. I don't care anymore." Classic denial. "Do you know what he did to me?"

"Oh yeah. You should land a hot finance guy and totally make him jealous."

"Totally!" Ruth smiled.

"So Ruth, how is Mary? I haven't seen her around school lately."

"Hmm?" Ruth asked, not looking up from her phone. "Mary's off touring colleges somewhere."

Rhonda could never get enough information out of her when it came to Mary. The original plan was to get to Mary through Ruth. But Ruth wouldn't introduce her. They only ever hung out just the two of them.

Time for plan B. Rhonda wouldn't have been very good at her job if she didn't do her research. Anyone at the top, anyone high enough to be untouchable, had to exert their will through others. Ruth and the other girls weren't the only ones Mary trusted.

When picking subordinates, it was always best to diversify your portfolio. Most girls wouldn't be caught dead associating with "rabble". Then they would wonder why they never could get to the top, no matter how much drama they started. Mary had several agents outside of her popular enforcers.

A tiny freshman named Siobhan was Mary's secret lackey. Unlike any of her other minions, Siobhan wasn't popular, she wasn't beautiful, and she was not charismatic. But she was very smart. It is always a good idea to keep a genius in your back pocket.

So how do you get to Siobhan? Rhonda already had a connection through her boyfriend. That mousy little girl, waddling around in the frumpiest sweater Rhonda had ever seen, had somehow gotten herself a boyfriend. Who was he? None other than Brian Bartlett, AKA Brainy.

Of course no one else knew the couple even existed, they were rock-bottom. But Rhonda made it her business to know. They met all the way back in when Brainy was in 4th grade and Siobhan in 3rd when Mary formed her very first club, a computer club. They connected over email for two years, then lost touch when Brainy went to middle school, and Siobhan's class went to sixth grade. Now that she was a freshman, they had reconnected. Brainy had dropped his obsession with Helga, and started a relationship with Siobhan.

She waited an entire week to confirm Mary had returned. She strolled through the hall the following Monday before school, flanked by her enforcers and Ruth. None of them had the guts to acknowledge Rhonda. Why? Mary was wearing the cutest black Dolce Gabbana dress, the very same dress Rhonda had worn the Friday before. Mary strolled around in blissful ignorance that she had committed the biggest fashion faux pas of the year. And the best part was that everyone knew it.

A doctors note would buy her an entire extra lunch period to finish her work, even if she had to miss her favorite class. The problem was she had no idea of how to find Brainy. No one did. He just appears when you least expect it, usually in a cave.

Rhonda looked all over the school, finally giving up and sitting on a bench. She took an apple out of her purse for lunch resigning herself to try again.

"Uh… Hi."

It couldn't be. "Brainy?"

"Hey."

"Hey…" For the first time Rhonda was at a loss for words. She took a deep breath while Brainy stared at her. "What are you doing out here?"

"…Wanted some air," he wheezed.

"Cool… Want to go inside?"

"…Okay…"

"Lead the way."

He led her through the art and tech wing of the school into the computer lab. There, at one of the computers, was Siobahn.

"Hey… I'm back…"

"Hi Brainy," Siobahn said. "Oh… Who is your friend."

"…Rhonda…" Brainy replied.

"Hi, I'm Rhonda." She extended her hand for a shake, getting a good look at the screen. It was either an article for the school newspaper or an English essay, but it was definitely Mary's homework.

"Siobahn, Brian's girlfriend."

Rhonda gasped. "I didn't know our Brian here had a girlfriend." Rhonda sat close to her and put on a very friendly smile. "Tell me about yourself. How are you liking school?"

"Its a lot of homework, I'm taking a lot of AP classes."

"That's great. Joining any clubs or anything?"

Siobhan looked down into her book. "...no."

"You should. I myself am on the volleyball team and I have been thinking about running for student government."

"I guess I'd like to join the academic team. But it's really competitive..."

"My friend, Phoebe, is the team captain. I could talk to her for you…"

"Would you!?" Siobahn squeaked.

"I would be happy to help. Any friend of Brian's is a friend of mine. I'm just going to need a tiny favor from you."

"Uh…" Rhonda gave her a gentle smile. "Okay." Siobhan was used to doing favors and getting nothing in return.

"Great! I'll go talk to Phoebe right now." Rhonda headed for the library.

Helga Pataki, Lila Sawyer, and Phoebe Heyerdahl dominated the academic team in their freshman year. Phoebe made mincemeat of Hillwood Private Academy in the math section, setting several city records in trigonometry. When the senior captain graduated, Phoebe assumed leadership and the team became her own fiefdom. Nothing but perfection was good enough. Having known Phoebe all her life, Rhonda had a bit of maneuvering room. She found Phoebe at a desk perusing some old book.

"Hello Phoebe."

"Greetings Rhonda," Phoebe said without looking up. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?"

Phoebe wanted two things, to be left alone to study and Gerald Johanssen. They weren't going out yet, but they were always one simple question away. There was just one tiny barrier keeping them from making it official.

Rhonda figured she would have more success by just getting to the point. "Phoebe, you need to learn to let your hair down."

"The tie keeps it out of my face."

"Not what I mean. Has Gerald asked you out yet?"

Phoebe looked up from her book and squinted at Rhonda. "No... I do not have time for a relationship. I am much too busy studying for Academic Decathlon." That was Phoebe, always preparing months ahead. She had probably done an entire year's worth of homework over the summer.

"What if you had another genius on your team?"

"Arnold has declined to join us, citing other obligations, and I do not wish to press the issue."

"I was talking about someone else."

The wheels in Phoebe's head turned. Rhonda could see the names going through her head. Gerald, Katrinka, Park. She didn't say anything.

"There is a freshman named-"

"Siobhan?" Phoebe's gaze narrowed and her voice was sharp. "No."

"Phoebe-"

"No. She and I have history."

Rhonda should have expected that. The smart kids thought they were above drama. They were wrong. They had their own hierarchy no one else cared about, and jealousy always causes strife. Still, Rhonda could still use their misguided sense of self against them.

"I understand that. And I implore you to put history aside and look at the facts."

The sudden softening of Phoebe's face meant Rhonda had struck a chord. 'Smart' people love 'facts'.

"She is smart. Almost as smart as you are." Phoebe's eyes hardened again. "Almost. At least on the level of Lila and Helga. Plus, she Is very submissive."

"If that is true, then I cannot use her. I need sharks."

"I remember you used to be Helga's sidekick, and you changed. Train her to be a shark."

Phoebe leaned back in her chair. A few strands of hair started to come loose in her tight bun, but she wasn't blinking.

"Helga will probably train her herself on general principle. That should lighten the load. Freeing you up a little to pursue... other interests. Sometimes boys need to be reminded that the women in their lives can leave at any time. Why don't I remind Gerald?"

That strand of hair found its way out and fell over Phoebe's face. She ran her finger along it for a moment before smoothing it into the rest of her hair. "Fine. But Siobahn sinks or swims on her own merit."

"Of course." Rhonda got up to get to work. "Be safe, Phoebe."

"It's a library, Rhonda."

"Not what I meant." Rhonda winked.

A look of realization passed over Phoebe's face. Her eyes moved to the side and a smirk grew on one end of her mouth.

Oh, the things Rhonda did for her friends. A quick loop around the halls before getting back to the computer lab was all it would take. She found her target at his locker. Gerald was pulling a basketball out of a space way too narrow for it.

"Gerald, Phoebe is so hard to get a hold of. Do you know where I can find her?"

"She's usually in the library at lunch, studying. Aren't you-"

"Right! I heard she made captain. All the boys must be after her." Gerald's face changed to a mix of confusion and outrage. "Someone is going to lock that down soon..." Rhonda turned to go back to the computer lab. "Thanks Gerald."

Rhonda realized she should also obtain a boyfriend. A suitable boy looks good on the arm and provides protection. Never leave home without one. In college it's more advantageous to be single so that powerful men see you as available. But in high-school that's unseemly. So, which guy should Rhonda pick? For a popular girl, there are only ever three actual candidates. The quarterback, the captain of the basketball team, or the dark horse, a popular guy with a sense of mystery.

Tommy was the captain of the basketball team. Going out with him would really piss off both Maria and Ruth. Too risky.

Arnold, local hero, also on the basketball team, and one of the most-popular guys in school. Not that he knew it. Even speaking to him wasn't an option, not unless you wanted to incur Helga's wrath. Only one girl had tried. Wanda had to transfer to another school. And not just that, Helga was Rhonda's rival and volleyball partner. That's a bond that should never be broken.

That left Ludwig, Hillwood High's starting quarterback. Surprisingly, he was available. He went out with girls, but really only wanted one thing. As long as Rhonda gave him a steady supply, she could make him do whatever she wanted.

Rhonda needed to step cautiously. While Mary didn't have an actual boyfriend, she did know the value of protection. Mary's secret meathead was Wolfgang, the football team's starting running back and Lugwig's plutonic boyfriend. The two were joined at the 'dude'.

There was always that question, why Wolfgang over Ludwig? Ludwig, while definitely aggressive, was more compliant. Wolfgang, however, bordered on sadistic. Quarterback held more prestige than running back. The only thing Rhonda could surmise was that Mary liked a challenge. If she could control Wolfgang, she could control just about anyone.

She got back to the computer lab to find Siobahn right where she left her.

"I spoke with Phoebe." Rhonda stood close to her. "Now, I need you to do something for me."

"...what?" the little girl squeaked.

"The same as I did for you. Introduce me to Mary."

The color ran out of Siobhan's face. "Umm... well... you see... the thing is…" She was practically shaking, too scared to remember that she was supposed to deny that she and Mary even knew each other. "I can't..."

"Siobhan. We had a deal." Rhonda growled, regretting it the moment she said it. Going hard would only steel Siobhan's determination.

"I... can't. And if that cancels the deal... okay."

Rhonda lowered her head. Better to salvage the situation and learn from her mistake.

"No. It's... fine. You are very loyal, a quality I highly respect. I should not have pushed you like that." Rhonda sat down and put her hand on Sioban's to calm her down. "Go talk to Phoebe. But fair warning, she is not going to go easy on you."

"Thank you for understanding, Rhonda." Siobahn started toward the library. "If I could do anything else..."

"I will let you know." Rhonda gave her a genuine smile, before Siobahn ran off.

Two failed plans. Rhonda was done with playing nice. Sometimes, in order to get someone's attention, you have to go for the jugular. Threaten their position so they can't act like you're no one.

Mary prided herself on raising money for the less fortunate. And if all the rich and influential went somewhere, she would absolutely have to make an appearance as well. The answer was obvious, Rhonda had to throw the event of the season, and it had to have a fundraising element.

It was still September. New Years would be the perfect time. People would be brimming with cash from their end of year bonuses and lots of alcohol would loosen the purse strings. Which charity? Helpers for Humanity of course. Mary was a major player in the organization. Rhonda had connections and her own history with the cause.

Rhonda picked out the invitation designs and had them sent months in advance to Hillwood's greatest families. Why would they attend a party thrown by a high-school student? Because she's a Lloyd.

A team of professional party planners would take care of the finer details, decorations, chefs for the dinner, serving staff, collecting donations for the auction. Rhonda would take care of the guest list herself.

The Shortmans had practically become the faces of the organization and their book was a best seller. They absolutely had to be there. Of course she would have to invite her fifth grade class, Mr. Simmons, Mary and the girls, and one more very special guest.

* * *

**Sophomore Year - December**

Months passed and the preparations came together. The entire time Rhonda had to play nice as Mary's minions took shots and tested her resolve. She focused on the party. Almost everyone accepted their invitation. But there was one very important RSVP missing. The text conversation was stalled at [Hey].

What good is it to luxuriate at the top if your best friend isn't there to enjoy it with you? Two days before the party, Rhonda had her driver drop her off at Nadine's house. It was a little uncouth coming over unannounced, but Rhonda owed it to her to speak in person.

Nadine, herself, opened the door wearing rubber pants, holding a bug-catching net and a plastic terrarium. They looked at each other for a long half-second before either of them said anything.

"Hey..." Nadine said.

"Hey," Rhonda replied.

"Uh… I'm a little busy right now-" She shuffled the stuff in her hands.

"I'm sorry I haven't been around."

"Yeah… Hanging out with your senior friends."

Rhonda exhaled. "I told you what I was doing."

'And? Did you make it?"

"Not yet… Soon. And I want you there with me. All the girls, but especially-"

"None of us cared about that. We wanted to hang out with you. But you-"

"I know. I know, I didn't do it for you. I did it for me, okay. But, you're my best friend. And I want you there with me."

"I'm your best friend, huh? Then you'll want to help me catch-."

"I'd love to."

Nadine sighed. "Rhonda, you don't even know what you're agreeing to."

"Doesn't matter. I expect I'll need a change of clothes."

"Yeah... I have some boots I could lend you."

"You're too generous, Nadine. I'm sure you don't have an entire spare outfit in my size. I'll have my driver take us to an outdoor equipment store. Do they have those in Hillwood?"

Rhonda swallowed her revulsion. The rubber pants she bought were a crime against common decency. The fact that she had to wade into a muddy river was unspeakably awful. And the bugs, god, the bugs. But that was what Nadine loved, that meant Rhonda could tolerate it for the better part of a day.

The next day, Nadine let Rhonda take her dress shopping. Nadine hated every dress Rhonda showed her. She dragged her into a store that looked like it was run by a family of hippies, exactly Nadine's style. Finally, Nadine found the one. It was by a designer called Free People and it cost 100 plus tax. Rhonda had no idea they made dresses that cheap. But if it was what Nadine wanted, Rhonda was overjoyed to give her a gift.

Rhonda went on a date with Ludwig that night. One not so subtle hint later and Rhonda was naked in his bed. He peeled off his clothes and climbed on top of her.

Rhonda reflected on how her whole life led up to this moment. Her high-class upbringing, her experience as a poor person, the class trip to San Lorenzo. Everything was in place for the party. Soon she'd have her seat at the top of the pyramid where she belonged.

Sure, Mary was going to keep that spot for a few months, but Rhonda could play number two in the meantime. As long as that meant connections and success, Rhonda was happy.

Ludwig climbed off of her and collapsed into the bed. "It was good, right."

"The best," Rhonda purred, pressing her body into him. "Thanks for the distraction from the party. It's going to suck without you." It was almost too easy. "And I was thinking we could do it again after..."

"I could go if you want, babe."

"You don't want to attend..." she said running her finger along his chest. "Its just going to be a bunch of old men staring at my tits all night." Was that an oversell?

"No, I'll totally go with you," Ludwig declared. "I love you, babe." Ludwig didn't waste any time. "You're the best girlfriend ever."

"I bet you look amazing in a suit."

"A suit..?"

Rhonda inwardly rolled her eyes. "Like James Bond."

"Cool."

"Just get here early and I'll have one you can wear." Yet another chore.

* * *

Rhonda looked down at the party from the top of the stairs with a glass of "sparkling cider" in her hand. The 500 plate dinner went perfectly, Miles and Stella were enthralling. There were so many people in fabulous attire, the auction had raised a ton of money, and many families donated even more.

Gerald held Phoebe close as they swayed on the dance floor. Rhonda took a breath of satisfaction. It was nice to see the results of good work. Brainy spun Siobhan pretty well for a guy with debilitating asthma. Those two were lucky to find each other. Helga stood on the opposite end of the hall as Arnold. Make a move, Helga! You can't call dibs on a guy and not date him.

Ludwig sighed. He was bored and Rhonda didn't care. She only needed him for his body anyway. She checked her phone. It was time. She grabbed Ludwig and made a beeline through the crowd.

She found Mary, with Wolfgang in tow.

"Dude!" Wolfgang called as if they hadn't seen each other in years.

"Dude!" Ludwig called right back.

"Dude, did you see this cheese fountain?"

"Like a fountain... of cheese? No. Are there nachos?"

"Fuck yes there are nachos! Dude, you gotta come see it." They left, leaving their girlfriends alone.

Mary and Rhonda stared each other down as if they had always been each other's nemesis. It was a small victory, that bit of recognition. Rhonda had broken right through Mary's unbreakable wall. She would try to make her pay for it, try.

"Rhonda."

"Mary Margaret."

"I suppose I should be flattered that you threw this entire party in my honor. Now, give me one good reason why I shouldn't destroy you."

"I'd be happy to give you two. It would be too risky and it is completely unnecessary. I am not here to challenge you. I am here to support you for the rest of the year then replace you when you are gone."

"I worked hard to get where I am, brought myself out of nothing. I will not allow some trust-fund floozy to ride my coat tails."

"You are not the only one who has been working hard. Everything I have been through in my life has led to this moment."

"That's so sad for you," Mary said. Her sweet tone belied her wolf face. "I'm not even going to use my girls, I'll have Siobahn do it."

"Go ahead." Rhonda smiled. Even failed plans only put the pieces where Rhonda wanted them. "Push her to destroy me, and you'll only drive her right into my arms. All you do is use her. I got her a spot on the academic team and she didn't even betray you. How do you think she liked being on the receiving end for once?"

"I was going to take care of her. I could make her captain of that team if I wanted."

"You're going to go against Phoebe? What's your plan?"

Mary smiled. "She's got a boyfriend, right. Not when I get done with him."

Rhonda actually had to laugh at that one. As if anything could break up Gerald and Phoebe. This person was sick. Rhonda wouldn't treat people like that when she was on top. She was going to change the system.

Mary waved at someone behind her, a power play. Mary was still underestimating her. This was Rhonda's turf, no one else's. She yawned.

"Dr. Shortman, I'd like you to meet-"

"Stella!" Rhonda threw her arms around Stella with real excitement in her voice.

"Rhonda!" Stella returned the hug with a smile that beamed off her face.

"I absolutely loved your story about the outbreak in the mountains of Borneo. You never told me that one." Stupid move. That went better than Rhonda could have imagined. They chatted back and forth like old friends. Rhonda even gave Mary a derisive smirk when Stella wasn't looking.

Rhonda finished the conversation before Mary had a chance to excuse herself. "Enjoy yourself, Stella." Rhonda turned back to Mary when Stella was out of earshot. "Nice try. Is Miles next? Oh, I'm sorry. You probably know him as 'Dr. Shortman'."

Mary was getting mad. "You think you can just waltz in and take over? No bitch. You may have a few connections here and there, but your entire entourage belongs to me!"

Rhonda cackled. "That's rich! You can have Ruth and Maria. Maybe you'd like to meet Helga and Patty. Don't know who they are, do you? You haven't done your homework." Rhonda gestured toward Helga. "See that girl with a scowl on her face like she hates everyone and everything. She's my volleyball partner." She nodded toward Patty. "And there's the captain of the wrestling team despite being a five foot three inch tall girl. We have tea twice a month."

Rhonda put her fists on her hips. "You have Wolfgang? I have Ludwig. You have Billy? I have Curly. You have Siobhan? I have Phoebe. And that's not even mentioning any of the wild cards I have up my sleeve. I have you beat on every level and you don't even know it."

Before Mary could retort, the front doors opened revealing Olga Pataki, wearing a gorgeous black dress with a sweetheart neckline, a pair of Stuart Weitzman shoes, and a hunky fitness model on her arm. A crowd of photographers followed them, snapping pictures and asking insane questions about her personal life. Damn paparazzi.

Mary Margaret's mouth hit the floor.

Rhonda wasn't Helga's volleyball partner for the connection. Helga never talked about her sister, or her personal life in general. Olga and Rhonda connected over their trip to San Lorenzo, they had a ton of shared interests. They stayed in touch enough that Rhonda could call her a friend. Olga became a huge supporter of Helpers for Humanity after that trip and jumped at the chance to attend.

"There's my baby sister!" Olga practically ran to where Helga was standing with Lila. Helga slapped herself in the face before Olga wrapped her arms around her. Helga reciprocated the hug by lightly tapping her shoulder. "And my little sis' too!" Olga threw her arms around Lila. Lila was all sugar and smiles. "Surprise, you two! I'm visiting for New Years!"

"That's ever-so amazing, Olga!"

Helga and Olga looked very similar. Not identical twins, but very clearly sisters. Same blonde hair, same blue eyes, same dainty chin, but Helga had clearly defined muscles and a scowl on her face. Olga was waifish and looked much classier. She had that glamorous supermodel look everyone adored.

"Tell these cameras to fuck off!" Helga made an obscene gesture at the photographers.

"Hey! Isn't that the 'It Girl'?"

"It is the 'It Girl'!"

"The 'It Girl' and Olga Pataki are sisters!?"

"I said 'FUCK OFF'!"

"Oh, Helga. You'll always be my baby sister." Olga posed for the cameras, not letting Helga run away.

Rhonda could have approached Olga and Helga to greet her guest and take as much of the limelight as she could. Classic mistake, you want to be welcoming, not eager. Eager is desperate. All she had to do was wait and let fame come to her. Mary was too busy spectating to go anywhere.

"Miles! Stella!" Olga embraced both of them as they made their way to greet her. "These are the real heroes," Olga said to the photographers. She was playing to an audience. This is a person who knows what she's doing. She's 'on' all the time. "Now, we need to thank our gracious host." Olga began scanning the room. "Rhonda, darling, where are you?" After a few moments, they made eye-contact. Rhonda gave a coy wave and a smile. "There she is. Come here, you."

"Excuse me Mary." Rhonda let herself strut just the slightest bit. She had earned it after all. She spread her arms to embrace Olga. "Olga! You look absolutely divine." She ignored Helga's death-glare.

"You are so generous, thank you! I am so proud of how much you have accomplished. When I was studying at Bennington, earning my Masters degree, I volunteered as a student teacher at my old elementary school as well as on a field trip to San Lorenzo to assist Helpers for Humanity, where we were captured by, and subsequently defeated, river pirates. My very own sister saved Doctors Miles and Stella Shortman, and was worshiped as a goddess-"

Helga crossed her arms. "It was much more complicated than that," she growled.

"Several honored guests tonight were in that class. One of whom I am most proud, is Ms. Rhonda Wellington-Lloyd. Rhonda has followed in my footsteps and has raised so much money for Helpers for Humanity and thrown this New Years benefit. I want all of you to give generously."

"Thank you, so much Olga." Brevity, a girl's best friend. Rhonda kept her best smile for everyone watching. It was the first of many times she would be in front of a camera.

The paparazzi were soon sent away by security and Olga pulled Rhonda aside. "Why is that strange girl glaring at you?" Obviously, she was referring to Mary. Another victory.

"Better than Helga glaring at me."

"Rhonda, what is all this for?"

"All proceeds will go to a good cause. None of the costs of this party will be deducted from the amount we raise. Plus, I live to entertain my friends."

"Are you sure you aren't just telling yourself that?"

A burn flared in Rhonda's heart. She was right. None of this would have happened if not for Mary-

No, that wasn't it. It just wouldn't have happened in this way. Rhonda threw parties, it's what she did. One of them was bound to be a fundraiser eventually. And nobody was hurt, not even Mary. She hadn't lost any actual power. She was just mad she lost comparative power. There was finally someone at school better than her. Rhonda had proven it.

Rhonda pushed that prideful feeling down. That was how Mary thought, using people like tools. Rhonda would not let herself become her.

"I understand where you're coming from. I will admit, parts of this are for me. But I have sacrificed a lot in the last few months and I have paid for it. There is still swamp water in my shoes to prove it. I know who my friends are and this is for them... you, too."

Olga's face melted into genuine concern. "Just be careful. It can be easy to... lose yourself."

Rhonda felt the truth of those words. People like Mary needed to go down.

She embraced Olga. "I will. Thank you so much for coming. I missed you." She wiped a tear out of her eye.

After sulking in the corner, Mary walked right up to Rhonda. "You want to be my number three for six months?" Mary was far too prideful, but even she knew when she was beaten.

"Number two. Ruth-"

"Ruth is off limits!"

Rhonda held her tone. "Agreed. Ruth isn't playing the game."

Mary's spike of anger dulled. "Oh my gosh! We have so much in common!" Mary had switched back to her sweet tone. "We're going to be best friends." She embraced Rhonda in front of everyone. "I've always wanted a little sister!"

'Little sister' it was the perfect title to describe their relationship. And they would be sisters. Rhonda would be by Mary's side until the last day of school. Come the first day of junior year, Rhonda's rule would begin.

"You are far too kind, Mary. Please enjoy yourself."

Three minutes before midnight Rhonda's victory was complete. She made her way over to where her real friends were standing and took her place next to Nadine. So much awkward apparel, she really did love these kids. Everyone's glass was filled and the countdown started.


	12. Harold's Gut

**Harold's Gut**

**Sophomore Year - New Year's Eve**

"Harold, you're being ridiculous."

"I am not! Pineapple on pizza is disgusting."

"Its delicious, you get sweet and savory at the same time."

"You gotta keep those two separate. Would you dip pineapple in nacho cheese and eat it?"

"There's fondue fountain right over there. Besides, I've seen you dip your french fries in your chocolate shake."

"Sweet and salty is different. That's the entire point of carmel."

"Its pronounced caramel- I am not having this argument with you again."

Harold looked at the spread. There was a lot of fancy, rich people food, some stuff he thought was called quiche. It was okay, but it needed ketchup.

"Here's an even better one." Patty held up a pig in a blanket. "Is a hot dog a sandwich?"

Harold thought about it. "Just because it has long bread doesn't make it not a sandwich. It's got meat and cheese and other stuff. Yeah, its a sandwich."

"Wow, what happened to the purist?"

"The ingredients are exactly the same, just like in Mexican food."

"So what, all Mexican food is burritos?"

"Not stuffed chili peppers."

Patty laughed. She was looking at him funny again. Sometimes she got weird when they hung out. Harold never understood it.

"So when you get ne- neapol- When you get that ice cream in the grocery store with chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla, do you eat each flavor by itself or scoop across all three flavors?"


	13. Rhonda's Contract

**Rhonda's Contract**

**Sophomore Year - September**

Rhonda reviewed the list of her 5th grade class to reject any problematic individuals.

Iggy, yes. Sheena, yes. Harold... Rhonda still had a soft spot for the lug. And that was a problem. She needed to be maximally focused and couldn't have anyone throwing her off her game. This was war after all.

Her pen hung over his name, ready to cross it out. No Harold meant no Patty. They hadn't gotten together, but word had it they spent a lot of time with each other.

Rhonda took a deep breath. Harold, yes.

Joey, yes. Robert, yes. Thaddeus? Who in Rhonda's 5th grade class was named Thaddeus?

Peapod Kid! They had called him that since that silly food groups play in 4th grade. Thaddeus must have been his real name. It was classy and old-fashioned. Rhonda really should have remembered that, his family was quite rich after all. It was a tiny lapse of memory perfectly explained by stress.

Thaddeus, yes.

* * *

**Sophomore Year - New Year's Eve**

Rhonda prepared herself mentally. Mary was schmoozing with the Smythe-Higgins family, most likely bragging about her week touring colleges in London or some trite thing. Rhonda checked her phone, it wasn't time yet.

"Good evening, muse."

Curly! How did he get in. Rhonda could have sworn she crossed his name out. She and Ludwig turned to find him tapping a cane and wearing a top hat. This was a serious breach of security. He knew her darkest secret and he was certifiably crazy. This was not part of the plan at all. Rhonda squeezed Ludwig's arm. Suddenly, he was a liability.

"Good evening, Curly. Are you enjoying yourself?" Her voice was hard.

"No." He crumpled his mouth. "This... Reprobate is accosting my paramour."

"Parra... what?" Ludwig said.

"I was under the impression we had a compact." Curly's eyes narrowed.

"Our compact is intact. The ursine is simply a bulwark to counter a specific impediment."

"Ur-sign?"

"I see." Curly stalked around the pair. "And yet I can tell from your stride that you have performed coitus recently."

Rhonda grit her teeth. "That dalliance is merely consideration. Nothing more."

"I see." Curly said with a smile. "Then perhaps I will require some consideration as well."

"Look kid!" Ludwig said. "Maybe you should be the one to show some consideration!" Ludwig pointed a finger in Curly's face. To Curly's credit, he did not react in the slightest.

"Consider it done," Rhonda said. "Conduct befitting proper consideration will be rendered at the launderer's residence one fortnight from now."

"One fortnight?" Curly growled.

"Indeed. And the signatory guarantees no tryst shall occur with any other party in the meantime. The allotment will ensure proper preparations are completed." She gave Curly a hard look. "I can assure you, ALL parties will be satisfied."

Curly gave the slightest of nods He tapped his cane and walked away. Disaster averted. The fact that she kept her cool when she almost lost everything filled her with confidence. She stared total destruction in the face and won. She was ready for Mary, she was ready for anything.

"Glad that fucker's gone for good." Ludwig said.

Rhonda inwardly rolled her eyes. She needed a drink.


	14. Robert's Pride

**Robert's Pride**

**Sophomore Year - New Year's Eve**

Robert squeezed his husband's hand when the venue came in sight. Peter sighed. Robert was both excited and nervous.

He took one last look at himself before exiting the car. He used a light concealer to cover up the wrinkles forming around his eyes and mouth. There was nothing to be done about his hair, he was bald and he made peace with that a long time ago.

Robert breathlessly exited the passenger side of the car. There were even decorations at the valet booth. Rhonda really went all-out for the event.

Peter handed the car keys to the valet. He looked amazing in his suit. It wasn't exactly a designer label, but he made Robert look dumpy by comparison. He had been doing that since they met. Fourteen years later, Robert was still 'most-likely to get caught wearing stretch pants'.

"Did you really have to show me up?"

Peter straightened Robert's bow tie. "Please. You look great, Robbie." Peter kissed him. Robert was still getting used to that much PDA. Peter always told him it was their right as two people in love, but Robert had never come to feel comfortable with it.

"Do you have your remarks?" Peter asked.

Robert's fingers slid over the cards in his pocket. "Right here."

"Are you ready?"

Robert smiled. "No."

"Perfect." Peter's disarming wit never failed to lift Robert's spirits. "Let's have a nice dinner out."

The dinner was lovely and Robert's speech was fine. He didn't 'wow' the audience like Miles or Stella with their wild stories, but he did fine and managed only one use of his favorite word.

After dinner, at the party he got to see his kids.

"Mr. Simmons?" Phoebe asked. "Oh! It is you." Her voice could not have been more cheerful. She pulled him into a great big hug.

"Hey Mr. S!" Gerald said, shaking Robert's hand. Gerald was exactly the same only taller. There was something reassuring about that.

"Hi, Mister Simmons!" Harold waved from the refreshment table. Robert gave him a wave and a smile.

"Robert! Darling! So glad you could make it!" Rhonda's use of Robert's first name was unsettling.

"I'm ever-so happy to see you again, Mr. Simmons." Lila batted her lovely eyelashes at him. That always made his heart melt.

"Simmons... Simmons... Doesn't ring a bell. Nothing's flooding into my brain. That name sure isn't special to me," she said with a smirk. Helga, sardonic as always. "Why, I should make a documentary regarding this mystery!"

"Howdy, Mr. Simmons!" Stinky had great big hands.

"What-ho, old bean!" Curly twirled a cane and removed his top hat. He hadn't lost that whimsy that made him so... unique.

"Simmons! Boy howdy, it's been a long time since sixth grade." But it felt like only yesterday that he had to encourage Sid to face his fears.

"Hello Mr. Simmons. It's nice to see you again," Sheena said. She had so many questions about teaching.

"Hey Mr. Simmons." Arnold, his lone rock in the storm. In all that time, he hadn't lost his reassuring voice.

"I think I might have left one of my beetle collections in my desk. Did you find it?" Robert suspected there was more to Nadine than she was letting on. Though she still had that one-track mind.

"Hi-ya Mr. Simmons!" Eugene was that boy who reminded Robert of himself when he was that age. But he had become something very unlike himself. Change is usually for the better.

They were so different, he couldn't put it into words. For the first time in a long time he felt like a lion. His heart swelled. They were all so grown up. They were all so special.


	15. Miles' Lesson

**Miles' Lesson**

**One Last Trip To San Lorenzo**

The cure was finally ready. Miles carried the crate of it to the center of the city and loaded it into the machine. He and Stella had been working for three days synthesizing enough to treat the entire city. She figured out the problem, there was no immunity to the sleeping sickness and the body could never develop a resistance to it. The infection forced its host's body to constantly produce sleep hormones and the immune system didn't recognize it as a threat. Everyone had to be cured at the exact same time or it would spread through the adult population again. Stella still hadn't figured out why it didn't affect...

Miles lost his train of thought. That had been happening a lot. It felt like there was a weight on him. The normally vibrant colors of the Green Eye's city were dull, the usual sounds of a crowded town muted.

Anyway, it was almost done. The Green Eyes' machine was a fascinating contraption. Made of only wood and stone, maybe a few ropes. It distributed herbal formulas aromatically. The Green Eyes used a water wheel to power it. They understood advanced principles of... They were a Stone Age culture, yet they... They were sophisticated engineers...

He yawned. All they needed to do was activate it.

He went back to the makeshift lab to check on his wife. She had collapsed from exhaustion in front of her station. He picked her up and carried her to their room. His steps drug behind him. He desperately needed coffee.

There was a photo on the desk. Baby Arnold, that cute kid with a tiny blue hat, his son. They'd be able to see him in less than four days. It had only been a few weeks since they had seen him, but he had probably already gotten bigger. He was growing up so... Miles yawned again.

He shook his head. It was the sickness. It was getting to him, forcing his body to produce sleep hormones. They were building up, making...

The world went dark for a second, but Miles pushed himself forward.

Children? They were all around him murmuring to each other, worried looks on their faces.

Miles tucked his wife into their bed. She looked so beautiful, sleeping peacefully. It wouldn't hurt to just lay down next to her. He only needed to rest for a minute or two. Then he could activate the machine... No, he couldn't do that himself. He would need...

Miles felt his body go totally limp. The usually vibrant colors of the Green Eyes' city didn't make sounds anymore.

Someone had to retrieve the Corazon, then...

But who? By tradition it had to be a monarch or spiritual leader. The king and queen had succumbed to the sickness. Their daughter? She was less than a year old. As Miles understood it, only certain people could even use the talisman would only work for certain people.

Hold on... That didn't make sense?

The Green Eyes had a prophecy that Miles' son, Arnold, would cure the sickness, just as he calmed the volcano a year ago. Miles didn't believe it. How could a tiny baby cure... a...

The Green Eyes had a machine that would distribute aromatic distributions. But it wouldn't work on children because they were made of stone and wood, maybe a few ropes...

No! The sleeping sickness couldn't have him as long as he never went to sleep! Miles chuckled at the realization. It was all so simple. He could just get up and will himself to... turn on... the machine?

He tried to lift himself out of the bed, his arms gave out on him. All of their strength was gone.

Just smash the jade box and grab the Corazon. It would poison him, but Stella would make an antidote. The Green Eyes probably had one...

All he had to do was get up.

The usual colors of the Green Eyes' city weren't hormones...

Get up.

The Green Eyes had a machine that would distribute water wheels. But it wouldn't work on children because their colors were muted...

Miles threw himself into the ocean to wake himself up and Stella pulled him out. His leg was broken and his arm didn't feel too good, but Stella was fine and they were both awake. Hell of a way to spend their honeymoon. At least Arnold had fun, playing on the slide with all those other neighborhood kids.

Good thing he was a quick healer and Stella was such a good doctor. Once he could walk again he took Stella to Mighty Pete. She was twenty-eight and had never been up to the treehouse. She missed out on so much growing up in the midwest.

Miles took his girlfriend into his arms as they laid in their sleeping bags on the roof of the boarding house. The stars were bright and her eyes were so so green. Thunder boomed overhead and a drop of water fell onto his head, then another, and another. Stella smiled at him before dissolving. The boarding house and all of Hillwood went with her.

Miles opened his eyes. He was drenched in something, it smelled musty. Drops of water fell onto his head, it actually was raining. Stella pulled herself up in bed across from him. There was someone else in the room, someone with a wide head. This person... it was someone familiar...

He was so big, practically grown. Miles couldn't believe it. It couldn't be him. He had to still be dreaming.

"Hey... Arnold."

Miles tried to move. His muscles ached, but he pushed through. The more he pushed the more the fog lifted. He could feel Stella squeezing his hand.

"Mom! Dad!" Arnold jumped onto the bed and threw his arms around them.

Miles embraced his son. He was heavy and loud and the tears were real. He was real. "You did it, buddy." Of course. It had to be Arnold.

* * *

**Sophomore Year - January**

"Okay, I want you to just ease off the brake," Miles instructed. "The car is going to go forward without you touching the gas."

"Okay..." Arnold hesitated, looking for permission from the car. He slowly raised his foot and they began moving through the empty high school parking lot.

"Now brake," Miles said. Arnold slammed his foot onto the pedal. Their bodies jerked forward. Seatbelts stopped them from colliding with the dashboard. Miles heart jumped into his throat. He had never been so scared in his entire life. "Try it... a little easier next time."

Arnold looked at his dad. "When can I drive on an actual road?"

The actual roads were soaked from rain the day before. The parking lot was at least relatively dry. At least it wasn't flooded. Plus there was all the traffic. On the other hand, Miles did promise to give him his first lesson the day after he passed his permit test. He was proud and terrified in that DMV waiting room while Arnold took his permit test, but a promise was a promise.

"When I have the chance to get a helmet and safety pads."

Arnold grumbled.

"You're doing good for your first time. At least you don't have to drive the Packard." Miles thought back to his own father teaching him to drive.

There are five things every father gets to teach his son. Arnold had already learned how to ride a bike and throw a ball. Miles wasn't about to miss teaching his son to drive. If it was anything like teaching him to shave, it would be a piece of cake. But, then again, clipping a few chin hairs was nothing like driving a car.

"Let's get it going again, take your foot off the brake."

"Okay." Arnold took his foot off the brake a bit more confidently this time.

"Were going to use the gas now. It's very sensitive, don't slam it. Remember, light touch."

"Light touch," Arnold repeated. He slammed his foot down on the pedal. The car screeched forward. Arnold immediately took his foot off of it and hit the brake. The car rocked back and forth like a rowboat in a hurricane.

"I said 'light touch'!"

"I barely pressed it!"

Miles didn't want to contradict his son. Driving controls were a lot to get used to. He gathered his composure and put a hand on his shoulder. "I should explain. It's not a bumper car. The gas pedal is not 'on or off'. The more you press it, the more gas is going to go into the engine."

"I knew that... I just didn't know how sensitive it really was."

"Okay, I get it. Let's turn around and try again." They had run out of room in the lot.

"So I should take my foot off the brake and turn the wheel?"

Arnold hadn't turned the steering wheel yet. Could he make a U-turn without killing them? They had plenty of space and no obstacles. "Yeah. Ride the brake through the turn and get a feel for the wheel. The slower you go, the tighter the turn."

Arnold eased his foot off the brake and spun the wheel left. He made a tight U-turn. Everything was great until he turned the wheel the entire way, wrenching the steering column.

Miles waited until he finished the turn and they came to a stop. "That was pretty good." A wave of relief washed over Arnold's head. "Just don't zero-out the steering wheel."

"What?"

"Did you see how you turned the wheel until it wouldn't turn any more?"

Arnold nodded.

"You don't want to do that. It's bad for the steering column."

"Okay."

"Give the gas another try."

After an hour, Miles ended the lesson. He had learned a lot for his first session. "How about we go see your grandparents?"

"Okay!" Arnold said enthusiastically. "I mean, okay." His voice went much calmer. Law of the teenagers, they can't be excited about anything, it's too 'uncool'.

Miles' dad was in the living room of the boarding house watching tv when they got there. "So how'd the short-man's first time behind the wheel go?" he asked.

"He didn't kill us." Miles said.

"Dad wouldn't let me drive on any actual roads."

"It's January, Arnold."

"Yep, he picked a heck of a time to start driving! Takes me back to spring of '36! Why I remember back then Jimmy Kafka and I-"

"Grandpa."

"There I go again," Miles' dad chuckled. "So... how are things going with your little friend?"

"Which friend?"

"You know the one I mean." Miles' dad winked at him. "The one with the pink bow the one eyebrow..." He put his finger on his forehead with a huge grin and a wink.

"Oh... uh..." Arnold's face turned four shades of red and his hand reached for the back of his neck.

"She ain't here now! You don't have to get so flustered."

"Helga?" Miles asked. He remembered she had moved into Arnold's old room.

"No! I- I-" Arnold stammered.

"Oh, now you're just embarrassing yourself, short-man." Miles' dad said. "How long have you been in love with her?"

"I- I-"

"You didn't tell me you had a crush on Helga, son."

"She- she-"

"Oh yeah, he's been in love with her since sixth grade!"

"I remember! You kissed her back in San Lorenzo."

Arnold suddenly found enough composure to screw his mouth shut. He walked into the kitchen to escape the conversation.

"Afternoon, Kimba," Miles' mom called.

"Heh heh heh!" Miles dad chuckled. He put his arm around Miles. "You're gonna have to give him the birds and the bees talk before long."

"Dad-"

Miles' dad took him by the shoulders. "Trust me, son." He was no longer joking. "Can't stop the thunderstorm. You just gotta be prepared when it hits."

The dreaded fifth lesson, the birds and the bees. Arnold was sixteen, they really should have had it before. But he never seemed interested in girls. Every time Miles asked if he had his eye on anyone, his response was always 'not really.' Law of the teenager again. He had no idea his own son still carried a torch for his childhood crush.

Why wouldn't Arnold tell him? And why did Miles' dad seem to know all about it when he was totally in the dark? The fact that you have a crush on a girl is something you hide from your mom, not your dad.

The steering wheel felt cold in Miles' hands on the way back home. Of course 'The Talk' didn't have to be about the mechanics of sex or contraception, kids had TV and health class for that. It could be about finding the right person. That was what Miles' dad had taught him.

"Arnold, I think we need to have a talk."

"What about?"

"Girls."

Arnold turned toward the window and stared at the skyline.

Miles took a breath. This was his job, and no one was going to take it away from him.

"When I first met your mom, I thought it was love at first sight." Arnold remained silent. "What I didn't know was that wasn't love, it was infatuation."

Arnold sighed.

"The thing about relationships is that it's easy to fall out of infatuation, especially when you're young." Miles debated how much detail he should give. Should he tell his son he's been through it all before? No. Broad strokes. "One of the easiest ways to get hurt is for the person you like to suddenly fall out of infatuation with you."

Arnold shifted in his seat. A one-sided conversation was uncomfortable on both sides.

"Look, I didn't find the right girl until I was 30. Your grandpa didn't realize he had already found the right girl until he got back from the war. You might have to wait a while. You might have to get your heart broken a few times."

Arnold sighed again.

"But you'll find her, sooner or later. It hurts to get your heart broken, but it's always better to put yourself out there."

Arnold looked at something on his phone, but he couldn't escape the conversation.

Miles parked the car in the underground garage. When he was done, instead of unlocking the doors he put his hand on his son's shoulder. Arnold looked at him with wide eyes.

"When you get a shot, don't be afraid to take it." He gave Arnold a smile. "Okay?"

"Okay."

Miles had a lot more to teach, keeping your relationship in perspective, knowing when it's not working, the problem of timing. But he could do it in installments. "I'll take you for your next driving lesson tomorrow." Not everything could be learned all at once. The more complicated stuff takes time.

A small smile formed on his face. "Thanks, dad."


	16. Helga's Pedestal

**Helga's Pedestal**

**Sophomore Year - January**

Helga adorned her body only with the holy vestments. She wrapped herself in the sacred flannel. She draped the necklace around her shoulders so that the golden locket touched her heart. And she tied the hallowed bow in her hair. With twelve tea lights lit, one for each year her love had burned for Him, the worship ceremony could begin.

Helga fell to her knees in front of her statue. She began reciting the poem she had written for Arnold in Physics. He had asked her how volleyball was going on their walk to class. She gave Him some short answer but the point was that He had listened. He was interested in her life and the things she cared about. How could she stop herself from worshiping Him?

Her phone buzzed mid-verse and she was torn between checking it and completing the ceremony. Arnold was patient and forgiving. He would absolutely allow her to put herself before Him. All the more reason she should ignore it.

It was Rhonda. [Got our custom shirts! They look great!]

Helga didn't look at the images Rhonda sent with her message, she needed to go back to what she was doing. She bowed to the statue and finished her poem. She did it for both of them. Her performance would bring Arnold success in basketball and learning to drive. And it was the last chance she would have before the tournament in Olympia.

She gathered the sacred flannel at her nose and breathed the green scent of unimaginable power. Her heart pounded.

"And now, just as you are learning a new method of travel..." Helga offered her god the shoe box with her arms outstretched. "...so too, shall I." She opened the shoe box and examined the heels Rhonda had given her to try. She had said too many people were wearing knock-offs that had the exact same style and that was reason enough to give them to her. That was too much, of course. Rhonda had bragged about how they cost over $800. Helga always planned on giving them back.

They were a pair of simple black pumps, like something a businesswoman would wear. They were fully equipped with a platform and the dreaded 6-inch heel. The spike was thinner than a pencil, Helga had hawked thicker loogies. The toe was practically bent at a 90-degree angle, her foot would have to fold in half. Rhonda must have had a freakish bone structure. No one on earth could walk in them.

Helga slipped them on and stood up. Her feet felt weird. She stumbled before she even got her balance, having to catch herself between the walls of her closet.

Towering at over six-feet tall, she took her first tiny step into her room. She shuffled forward, remembering the advice Rhonda had given her, 'small steps'. She experimented with a longer stride, planting the heel into the carpet and letting her toes down after.

A few laps around her room later with plenty of stumbling and she had made a lot of progress. With her feet straining a little, she popped the shoes off and placed them back in the box. She would practice more after they took first place in the tournament.

"Goodnight my love." She embraced the sacred edifice and gave it a long kiss. The ceremony was complete. Helga could finally go to bed. Once the candles were out and she was under the covers her mind raced through the absurdity of it all.

It was stupid, she knew that. Her worship wasn't going to help him play basketball better or protect him from car accidents. He wasn't really a god. Then again, that made him all the more worthy because he, a lowly human, was so amazing.

No. Helga knew she was a basket case. She had tried, very hard, to not worship Arnold when she had moved out of Bob's house. She told herself she would only catalogue his adventures and accomplishments, maybe compose a poem or two. But less than a week in, she was on her knees in front of a newly created effigy of him, reciting words she couldn't stop herself from writing.

They barely even talked. Sometimes he would walk her to class, but he never said much. They were supposed to have a date, just the two of them, at Slausen's after the football game. As soon as he paid for her shake, as promised, everyone came in and their friends pulled them apart. People were always getting in their way at the exact wrong time.

Helga rolled over in bed, throwing her comforter to the floor. The air was chilly, even through Arnold's flannel. She would just have to live with the fact that she was crazy.

* * *

Rhonda came to pick Helga up the next morning so they could arrive at school together. She insisted that they wear their new shirts for the entire tournament. Rhonda had them custom made with artwork by some artist she knew.

Helga turned the shirt over to inspect the back. Across her shoulders, where it should have said 'Pataki' it said 'Valkyrie'. Her number was below. On the front, there was an amazing blonde in armor with black wings, holding a sword and shield. The look on her face said 'Do not fuck with me.' It was like looking in a mirror. Rhonda's mystery artist really knew what they were doing. It looked so much like her as the mythological warrior, it was uncanny and somehow familiar.

"What do you think?" Rhonda asked.

"I'd wear it," Helga snarked, allowing enough of a smile to let Rhonda know what she meant.

"Check out mine!" Rhonda turned around. Across her shoulders it said 'Amazon'. In middle school, Rhonda bragged about her how grandfather's mother was from Greece. She claimed it was where her 'flawless olive skin' came from. Guess which country's history their class was studying at the time. Rhonda used to be totally insufferable. She had mellowed out quite a bit. Either that or Helga had just gotten used to it.

An image of Rhonda wearing leather armor, brandishing a spear was on the front. Her expression was much more 'Come and get it.' and she was clearly sticking out her chest. Nothing was showing of course and it only had a tiny bit of cleavage, but it was very suggestive.

"It's sexy, isn't it?"

"Yeah." Helga shook her head.

"What's life without living on the edge a bit? I don't see why a girl can't kick ass in a tight dress and a pair of heels."

Helga laughed. She really ought to try that sometime. She pulled her shirt off and put on her new shirt. It was tight, yet breathable fabric, perfect for a workout.

"Did you try them?" Rhonda asked, referring to the heels.

"Yeah, Rhonda, I risked breaking my ankle right before the tournament."

"The heel marks in the carpet must have been from Arnold then." Rhonda sighed and rolled her eyes. "Looks like you didn't hurt yourself."

* * *

The two-hour bus ride wasn't great. Helga tried to remain focused on the tournament. At least Rhonda wasn't complaining about how they should have taken her limo. They checked into the hotel and dropped off their stuff.

The coach led them into the hall. It was a huge open space easily three times the size of their school gym. There must have been thirty courts set up, each with a match going on.

"Everyone here is totally amatory," Tish declared. "Were going to crush 'em." She turned back to the team and crossed her arms. "Rhonda, Helga, I'm reservating you to doubles excludably. Irregardless of what happens within the six-person team, it's the only thing I want you to focus on."

The first day of the tournament was hardly a challenge. Helga and Rhonda mopped the floor with six other doubles teams. The second day would have only the two semi-final matches and the finals. They kept it to only three matches because there would be an audience.

By the end of the day, Helga and Rhonda were both starving. Tish allowed them to leave the tournament hall before the six-person teams were done with only one stipulation. "Don't eat too many complex carbohindrates. They'll make you sluggish." Helga couldn't tell whether that was her normal way of speaking or clever wordplay.

They went to a burger joint close to the hotel. Helga got a double with bacon and she expected Rhonda to order a vegetable patty or something pretentious like that, but she didn't. They sat down with the same order.

A silence fell between them. It was fine. They rarely talked about anything outside of volleyball. During the trip they had been all business with each other. A feeling in the back of Helga's heart urged her to say something.

It was all that influence from Lila. She had injected too much 'girl' into their little group with her makeup, hair suggestions, and fingernail polish. And with Phoebe going on four months with Gerald, the boys had become a major topic of conversation, especially during lunch with Nadine and Sheena. Well, Helga Pataki didn't need 'girl talk'. Sticking to business was exactly what she wanted.

"Did you figure out the thing with the shoes?" The words accidentally spilled out og Helga's mouth. Damn it! Lila was going to pay for this.

"What?"

"I'm guessing you were talking about guys. I'm gonna guess Ludwig was running shoes. Who was the combat boots?" Not that Helga cared. She told herself she was just making conversation.

A look of realization washed over Rhonda's face. "If that's true, then I went with a pair of Prada heels." She shook her head. "No, it was a choice between a guy I liked and climbing to the top of the social ladder."

"And I told you to go with whichever one is less work. So that's why you're going out with Ludwig."

"No, you told me to go with whichever one I find more comfortable. The seat at the top of the social ladder is very comfortable."

"So Ludwig wasn't the guy you liked?"

"Merely a means to an end."

"So it was Harold."

Rhonda scowled. "And just how are things with Arnold, Helga?"

"Hey! I'm trying to be nice here!"

Rhonda sighed and looked down at her food. "I 'liked' him. It was a tiny crush and that's all in the past."

They ate in silence for a few minutes.

"So... When are you going to make your move on Arnold?" Rhonda asked.

"When the time is right."

"If you want, I could-"

"I'm not ready yet." The admission just kind of came out. Helga hadn't meant to make it. But it felt true. No one was going to push her into a relationship she wasn't ready for, not Rhonda, not Arnold, not even herself.

Rhonda wiped her hands. "I suppose you're right. We're still young. We're not even half way through high school and there's always college. Plenty of time to get in the right place first."

The right place! Exactly! That's what Helga was waiting for. The place where she wasn't looking up at him from the floor. It wasn't like she wanted to look down on him, but would it kill him to worship her for a change?

"So why 'climb to the top' of the social ladder?" This whole 'conversation' thing was getting out of hand.

"Why not?"

"But why not develop a skill, something useful?"

"Sociability is a skill."

"But it's a skill you already had. You were born with a silver spoon."

"It's about leadership. How do I put it so you'll understand? Okay, so, in the army, the general doesn't go out and fight the battles himself-"

"What's with you and me and the military!? I wore combat boots to school once in seventh grade and you never let it go!"

"It's not about the boots, just an apt metaphor. See, the general isn't on the battlefield. He gets other people to shoot the guns and drive the tanks for him. It's part of being a leader."

"You're a leader, huh."

Rhonda rolled her eyes. "It's not like that between me and you. If I gave you an order, you would do the opposite."

Damn right. No one gives Helga Pataki orders.

Rhonda picked up her tray and threw her trash away. "We're partners. Equals."

'Equals.' The word rang in Helga's head. Was such a thing even possible? One person would always be dominant, right?

After a good night's sleep with only light snoring coming from Rhonda, they had breakfast, did some warm-ups, and got changed for their first match. Helga and Rhonda emerged from the hallway to find only one court set up in the middle of the hall. A pair of girls from the opposing side were waving to a cheering crowd.

"And playing for Hillwood Central High School in Hillwood, Washington, Rhonda Lloyd and Helga Pataki!"

Cheers rang out over the audience. The crowd was huge. She hadn't expected that, it was a little overwhelming.

There was someone in the bleachers waving at her. A nearby flash of red hit her eye like a brick.

"Arnold?"

He was standing up yelling his heart out for her. Cheering for her! Gerald, Phoebe and Lila were right next to him. Phoebe was the one waving. They were sitting so close that Helga could pick out their voices.

"Kick their asses, Helga!" Lila screamed.

Nadine was right beside them and Harold and Patty were there too.

"No mercy!" Harold bellowed.

Need built in Helga's chest. She already knew what had happened. Her knees bent ever so slightly. Only one person could have possibly organized them like he did. Her eye twitched. He was the greatest person in the world. Her mouth went dry. She was totally unworthy of his cheers. Her heart fluttered.

Stupid fucking football head! He was throwing her off her game! What an inconsiderate jerk! Did he want her to lose!? Helga didn't need him cheering for her, she didn't need anyone cheering for her. She was above that. She was Helga Fucking Pataki.

She was just going to act like he wasn't even there. She needed to focus on the match. Seething with anger, she turned away from the crowd and sized up her competition. The girls they were up against looked tough. She went to her bag to get a drink, keeping her eyes on them the entire time.

"Go Helga!" Arnold yelled.

Helga's anger burned through her despite the sports drink in her mouth.

When the match finally started, Helga served the ball with a little more force than she meant to. It hit one of the girls on the other side. After three hits, they managed to send it into the corner. Helga kept it from hitting the ground, hoping Rhonda could do something with it.

Rhonda set it up. In midair, the ball spun until it was an oblong shape. It grew wild, messy hair and green eyes. "Go Helga," it said in a squeaky voice.

Helga jumped and punched that stupid smile right off his face.

* * *

When Helga got home, she found herself on her hands and knees, bowing before Him once again. He was always there for her, always knew exactly what she needed, even when she didn't know she needed it. Because of Him, she wore a gold medal around her neck. She began reciting a letter she had written Him on the bus ride back to Hillwood, tears of gratitude in her eyes.

She still wasn't ready yet.


	17. Arnold's Stature

**Arnold's Stature**

**Eighth Grade - October**

"...All that, combined with his tendency to talk to himself, proves Hamlet is insane throughout the play. Thank you." Arnold took a slight bow while the rest of his English class clapped.

"Does anyone have any questions?" The teacher asked. Only one hand went up.

"Are you kidding?" Helga asked in a mocking tone.

"What?"

"That whole presentation was a joke, right?" She said in a half laugh. The class looked around for how they should react. Even the teacher didn't say anything.

"No..." Arnold said.

"Come on Football-Head, it's an act. Hamlet knows what he's doing the whole time," Helga said. "He even tells his friends to ignore it if he acts crazy. So what if he talks to himself? He's doing it to throw everyone off his trail. The guy has a plan."

"Helga, I've done my research. The subtext-"

"Helga, I've done my research," Helga said, mocking him. "You read a few commentaries, so what?"

Arnold might as well give up. There was no use arguing with her. She'd bully him for the rest of the day just for disagreeing with her and never let it go. Hell, she had stood on the street outside his house blaring at him from a megaphone for less. He might as well finish this right there. "Whatever you say, Helga."

Helga's voice turned cold. "And?" It was like she was looking for an excuse to damn him to an eternity of fiery torment.

"And nothing. You're right, Hamlet isn't crazy."

Helga relaxed into her seat. "Glad you finally admitted it, Boner-boy." She had reclaimed her cheerful tone. A few snickers spewed out of the back of the class.

Arnold went back to his desk and stared at the grain pattern in the wood. He hated that name. At least she would leave him alone for the rest of the day.

She crossed her arms in front of her chest and glared at him. She won and she was still angry about it?

After a few more presentations, the bell rang. Arnold packed up his stuff, slung his backpack over his shoulder, and started toward his next class. When he stepped through the doorway, his foot caught on something and he tripped. He couldn't catch himself on anything except the floor. Pain shot through his wrists, at least he had stopped himself from face-planting. No one around him laughed. Not even Helga, who held her foot on the ground where she had tripped him.

Death stared at him and wouldn't blink. She wanted him to know exactly why he was where he was, because she put him there. She crouched down while he picked himself up. They met face-to-face for a moment. Neither said anything, Helga put her hand on his face and pushed his head back. Arnold stumbled back. As soon as her hand lifted off of him, she was gone.

She had her mind set on torturing him for the rest of the day. Arnold was glad for the reprieve in his third period class. He knew he had to prepare himself for whatever fresh hell she had waiting for him at lunch.

He actually got his food and ate in relative peace. He and Gerald sat down at the usual lunch table with Sid, Stinky, and Eugene. They were in a loud discussion about pro-wrestling. The guys couldn't protect him from Helga, all of them lived in fear of her wrath, but it was a good distraction.

"Hey guys!" Harold shouted, running up. "I got my Learner's Permit!"

"No way!" Sid exclaimed.

"Garsh, Harold. You musta' taken that dang test five times," Stinky said.

"Six!" Harold corrected. "But the sixth times' the charm!" He laughed.

"A eighth grader with a Learner's Permit, now I have seen everything," Gerald said.

"That's great, Harold." Arnold said. "Have you started driver's training yet?"

"Don't be stupid, Arnold," Harold responded. "I already passed driver's ed almost a year ago. I did so good they made me re-take it just to make sure."

"No. He means driver's training." Sid corrected. "That's where you learn to actually drive a car."

"Then you gotta take your Driver's Test," Stinky added.

"What!? Another test!? It took me six tries to pass the last one! I'll never pass it!" Harold wined. "I'm so bad at figuring out the answers to dumb questions!" Harold was practically crying. He still did that when confronted with even the smallest obstacle.

"It's not a written test," Sid said. "All you have to do is drive a car."

Harold calmed down and looked at Sid. "That's it? No dumb questions where I have to think?"

Arnold and Gerald shared a look. Did Harold go around all day not thinking? The more Arnold thought about it the more it made sense. But it didn't explain why he was so good at cutting meat if he didn't concentrate on what he was doing.

"Nope! No thinkin' involved." Stinky said. Hold on, did Stinky not think either? How did either of them function? "In fact, I can help you learn. I been drivin' a tractor all my life."

"All right!" Harold cheered. Usually, the guy never thought about six months in the future, much less what he was going to do the next day. Now he had a plan for passing his driving test. He even knew what he wanted to do when he graduated. He had been apprenticing under Mr. Green for a few years. He ran the shop by himself when Mr. Green had to attend a city council function.

All of Arnold's friends had their own thing. Stinky had farming, Eugene had theater and dancing, Gerald was one of the best athletes on the junior high basketball team, and at least the girls would talk to Sid. Arnold wasn't really good at anything, he felt left behind.

Gerald laughed and shook his head at the whole discussion. He finally turned to Arnold. "Basketball?"

Arnold and Gerald hit the court to play one-on-one. It was pretty one-sided. Gerald was in the middle of a growth spurt and stood at a full eight inches taller than Arnold.

Gerald dribbled the ball behind his back. Arnold covered him as well as possible. It didn't matter. Gerald jumped up and took the shot. It bounced off the backboard and into the hoop.

"24-0" Arnold stated, moving to take the ball out.

"You don't have to keep score, man."

Arnold wanted to get at least one basket, he needed to get at least one. And, it wasn't going to be this time, Gerald reached under Arnold's hand and snaked the ball away.

Arnold wasn't letting him off easy and wheeled himself between Gerald and the hoop.

Gerald took on a defensive stance but bounced the ball with a little too much force. He would let it hang under his hand for a moment before slamming it back to the ground.

Arnold broke left and moved around Gerald. He caught the ball in mid air and ran as fast as he could to the other end of the court. He got exactly where he wanted to be and jumped with everything he had. The ball left his fingers and went right in. For one single moment, Arnold felt good.

"24-2" Gerald stated cheerfully from half court.

All of that pride dissolved and the memory of the moment went hollow. His best friend had let him score. "Don't go easy on me, Gerald."

"I wasn't."

"Yes you were. You're not that slow and that wasn't dribbling."

"Okay, man. I'm really sorry for going easy on you. You're just..." He didn't want to say it.

"Short?"

"Yeah, but don't worry about it. We're only thirteen. You'll catch up. What's your dad, 6'3"?"

Gerald was right. Despite his last name, Arnold's dad was tall, so were his mom and grandpa. Of course that didn't mean Arnold was automatically going to be that tall too.

"What if I never catch up?"

Gerald shrugged like it was no big deal. "Then, you'll be the little dude, running under everyone's legs. Too short for anyone to catch you. You just gotta practice your ball-work. That's why we're here. Practice."

"Practice... right..." That didn't change anything. The score was still 24-0.

The bell for fourth period rung. Arnold needed a book from his locker. It was a surprise to find Helga standing between him and it, arms behind her back so he couldn't see what she was doing.

She stared at him as he approached, not looking away, with a wicked look on her face. He could tell she was in the middle of something, but he couldn't see what. She glared at him and grit her teeth. Suddenly, Arnold heard a 'p- p- puuusssshhhh', like the sound of air splurting out of a balloon. The sound kept going.

Arnold wasn't going to let her bully him. He stepped up to Helga and the sound didn't cease. She loomed over him and bore down into his eyes.

There was something different about her. She wasn't smiling. She usually had a sadistic smile on her face when she tortured him. But not this time, this time she was mad.

The sound stopped. Helga quickly threw something into a nearby trash can and walked to her next class. "Enjoy dessert, shit for brains."

Arnold sighed and fished out whatever Helga had thrown into the trash. It was a can of whipped cream. She had stuck the nozzle between the slats in his locker door and emptied the can.

Cream splattered all over the floor when he opened his locker. All of his books were covered. It could have been worse, she could have easily used chocolate sauce. Arnold only hoped it was Helga's final act of whatever revenge she had planned.

Why was she even mad? Or, why was she more mad than usual? She had won the argument. What more could she want?

His science book got the worst of it and that was the one he needed for his next class. He had to clean off as much cream as he could before class started. The pages were soaked and sticky. He couldn't take the book with him, he had to let it dry.

The instructor was taking roll when Arnold got to class. After she finished, she shortly described the lab they had scheduled and left the class to retrieve materials.

In his science class, Arnold sat to the left of a girl named Amy. After a great conversation on the first day of school, Amy hadn't said more than ten words to him, no matter how hard he tried. He hoped she was nice enough to share her book with him.

"Hey Amy, do you mind if I-"

"Who do you think you're talking to, Boner-boy?" Travis, the guy on Amy's right, got out of his chair and stood over him. Amy looked at him blankly.

"I was just-"

"Yeah I don't care. Don't talk to her, don't even look at her. You know what, go sit in the back of class."

"I didn't-"

"I just said 'go sit in the back of class'. That's your spot now." He pointed to an empty stool in the back of the room.

Arnold had no choice. Travis was a lot bigger than he was, and he thought that gave him the right to push Arnold around. But, everyone was a lot bigger than he was. They were all looking at him, watching the scene, waiting for either of them to do something. No one was going to stop Travis, that wasn't how middle school worked. The biggest and strongest could do whatever they wanted. Even the teachers abided by that rule.

Arnold wouldn't want anyone else standing up for him anyway.

"Go," Travis demanded. He raised his fist and faked him out. Arnold could tell it wasn't a real punch, Travis was just trying to make him flinch. He didn't.

Maybe he should stand his ground, maybe he should fight this bully. Kick to the side of the knee, throat strike, finish with a punch to the temple. It would have been easy. But what would any of that solve? Travis wasn't going to back down. The guy probably liked Amy and didn't want any other guys talking to her. Arnold knew he'd feel horrible if he used his self-defense training to beat Travis up when there was always a peaceful solution he could have taken.

Arnold sighed and picked up his stuff and went to an empty seat in the back, all the eyes in the class were on him. He knew what they were thinking, that he was scared, that he was weak. At least they were all witness to his humiliation.

"Yeah, you better walk away," Travis said, clearly pleased with himself. Did that make him feel big? It wasn't fair. So what if he was short. That didn't give Travis the right to push him around.

Arnold just wanted the day to end without interacting with anyone else. He figured if he just stopped talking altogether, no one would even know he was there. The day went slowly but it worked until he got to the line for the bus. Helga bulleted right at him.

"Asshole," she said as she walked past and pushed him, enough to knock him down. Her voice, usually so passionate, sounded dead.

That was it, he had finally had enough of her. He wasn't going to let her bully him anymore. "What is wrong with you, Helga?"

Life filled her voice again. "What's wrong with me? No! What's wrong with you!?"

"Nothing is wrong with me! You're being-"

"What!? A mouthy bitch!?"

"I never said-"

"You DO NOT get to write me off like that!"

"What!?"

"Don't you 'whatever you say, Helga' me when I challenge you. Grow some balls and actually examine my ideas!"

What she was asking went against everything she stood for. Nobody crosses Helga G. Pataki. Arnold had to make sure he heard her right.

"You want me to argue with you?"

She towered over him like she had for the past two years. Arnold felt like a little boy with his neck craned up. "I am just as smart as you are!" she shouted down to him, despite their lack of distance.

"You won the argument! Hamlet knows what he's doing."

"I didn't win! You just gave up! Like you we're taking pity on me! I looked like an idiot!"

"Fine, Helga. I'll argue with you next time."

"Good!" she said as she turned and walked away.

"Of course you realize, I just agreed to this without an argument."

Helga stopped and visibly tensed. She looked back. "Do what I fucking tell you to do!" She turned and walked away again.

* * *

"Say it again. I dare you."

"Say what? Boner-boy?"

Red blinked through Helga's vision and she punched the guy in the gut hard enough to slam him into the locker behind him. He keeled over.

She had no idea who he was, but all Helga needed to know was that he had threatened Arnold. Something about forcing him to change seats. Word had gotten around school and Nadine had told her everything. What she heard made her blood boil.

She drug the guy to an empty hallway after school and started a fight. He was all talk, Helga doubted he had ever thrown an actual punch in his life. A few hits was all it took to have him at her mercy.

"Say it again."

"Fuck you!"

"Say it."

"You're a fucking psycho!"

"Call him that name again."

"No."

"See, we're learning."

"What the fuck do you care, anyway?"

As if she was going to tell this nobody. "He's MY victim. Got it?"

The worm didn't say anything. He gathered a look of defiance onto his face. Helga faked as if she was going to punch him again. He flinched and put his hands in front of his face. It was kinda weird that the threat of hurting him was more effective than actually hurting him, whoever he was.

Helga shook her head and walked away. No one got to call Arnold that name. The idiot didn't even realize he could have torn the jerk apart. Arnold chose to change seats. He sacrificed his dignity so this tiny boy could keep his.

Arnold was a bigger man than all of them.


	18. Lila's Date

**Lila's Date**

**Sophomore Year - March**

Lila listened closely from upstairs when Arnold knocked on her front door.

"Hello Mr. Sawyer. I'm here to pick up Lila," Arnold said.

"Hello Arnold, come in. I'll see if she's ready."

Lila threw a scarf around her neck and dashed down to the front door before her father could make it all the way up the stairs.

"Bye, daddy." She stood on her toes to kiss him on the cheek.

"And just where are you two off to tonight?"

"Uhhhh..." Arnold stammered. They had talked about it a few hours before, but he always forgot the plan when he talked to Lila's father.

"Arnold's taking me to the cheese festival," Lila said.

"Just the two of you? I better come along to chaperone."

Shit! "I'm ever so certain that isn't necessary, daddy. We're just friends." She knew he knew something was going on. Arnold had been picking up Lila since Valentine's Day. "Besides, we're going as a group."

"Right!" Arnold said, grasping for anything.

"In that case, I'll drive you so you won't have to walk." Lila's father grabbed his coat and car keys.

While her father was distracted, Arnold looked at Lila panicked. He mouthed 'what are we going to do?'

Lila's shook her head. They were in trouble. He was going to catch them.

"All-right, let's go," Lila's dad pushed them out the door. He unlocked the car and they piled in. Lila got into the front seat next to her father. He adjusted the rear-view mirror and took a hard look at Arnold. Lila could feel him cringe in the back seat.

"Where to?"

It was okay that Arnold was freaking out. He could attribute that to nerves. Lila needed to keep her cool, like it was the plan all along. "I'm ever so sure you should go to the end of the block and turn right."

When her father turned right, they could all see Lindsay standing there on the sidewalk, waiting just where she said she'd be.

"There's Lindsay. I'm certain you should pull over, daddy."

He did and Lila waved and pointed to the empty seat behind her.

Lindsay's eyes went wide when she saw who it was. This was not part of the plan. She opened the door and got into the car anyway.

"Daddy, this is my brand new best friend Lindsay."

"Well, hi Lindsay. I just love meeting all of Lila's friends."

"Hi..." Lindsay squeaked.

"Is this everyone?" Lila's father asked.

That wasn't going to work. A 'group' was at least four people. All of this was about to unravel. "I'm ever so sure we need to pick up one more friend, daddy." They needed backup. She directed her father to the Sunset Arms.

"I'll go get Helga." Lila opened the door before the car had even stopped. "It always takes her so long to get ready."

"Helga? I thought she lived a few blocks over."

"I'm ever so sure she moved, daddy."

"Isn't this a boarding house?"

Lila closed the door rather than answer him. She hated throwing Arnold and Lindsay to the wolf, but she just had to get to Helga. Helga would make everything better.

She knocked on the door.

A few seconds later, Phil opened it, letting out a herd of cute animals. "Why if it isn't the girl with the red hair and the smile that's bigger than her face."

"You're ever so funny, Mr. Shortman. Is Helga home?"

"Why don't you see for yourself. She should be up in her room."

Lila bounded up two sets of stairs and knocked frantically on Helga's door.

"Yeah, Yeah. I'm coming. Sheesh!" Helga opened the door with an angry expression that softened when she saw Lila. "Hey Li-"

"Helga! I need you to come with me and Lindsay to the cheese festival."

"Wha-"

Lila ran into Helga's closet. "My dad is insisting on dropping us off and I need another person to cover for us, otherwise he might find out Lindsay and I are dating, and he can't find out that Lindsay and I are dating, he just can't!" She threw a hoodie and a pair of shoes at her.

"I don't-"

"Please, Helga. He will send me away if he finds out." Lila clutched onto Helga's waist.

"Okay, Liles. Breathe." Helga rubbed Lila's back.

Lila took a breath. She felt herself calm a bit. Helga's hand was warm and strong. It made her feel safe.

"I have an assignment I need to finish for French, and Phoebe has been all over me about studying for the math section of the academic decathlon."

Lila really didn't want to have to bribe her, but there was always one sure-fire way to get Helga to agree to anything. "Arnold's coming with us."

Helga stopped. "Arnold?" Lila had her.

"Remember, you let me borrow him to cover for me and Lindsay. He's in the car right now."

"I uhhh..." Helga looked at what she was wearing, a pair of sweats and a pink camisole. She ran her fingers through her hair. It looked great, just like always. "Just give me five minutes."

Lila went back through the boarding house to the car and saved Arnold and Lindsay.

"I'm certain Helga will be down soon," she said pivoting her legs into her seat and giving her father a smile.

"Are you sure, sweetheart?"

"Ever so much, daddy." Why the hell would he even ask her that? The question didn't make sense.

Helga came out just a few minutes later dressed in a pair of jeans, a purple hoodie and her pink bow in her hair. She looked so good and she made it effortless.

Helga walked around the car and whipped her hair over her shoulder before opening the door. "Move it, Football-head!"

Arnold started getting out of the car, Helga pushed him back in. "Just sit in the middle. And hurry it up."

Arnold perched himself on the raised center seat while Helga took up as much room as possible. Poor Arnold was crushed between her and Lindsay. He was so tall that he didn't know where to put his feet. It had to be uncomfortable.

"All set?" Lila's father asked. "Then off to the cheese festival." He pulled into the busy street. "You know, I don't think I've ever been to the cheese festival. Do they have a lot of cheese?"

"I'm certain they do, daddy. Just, ever so much."

"I'll have to try some while I'm there."

Great! Now he wasn't just dropping them off. He was practically babysitting them. Arnold wasn't going to be able to leave like he usually did. Lila hoped he was okay with it. She knew Helga would be, she could sense Helga 'accidentally' brushing up against Arnold every two seconds.

"Put your feet next to mine, Football-head. You have permission."

Arnold relaxed. Helga tried to play it off by gazing out the window. But Lila knew where her attention was. Helga's crush was the best kept open secret in Hillwood. All the girls knew. Helga had told them all herself, usually when she threatened any girl who even so much as looked to him. No one said a thing to the guys and anyone who did would suffer her wrath. He belonged to her.

Lila's father parked at the cheese festival and the small group walked toward the entrance ahead of him. He was a slug. If they walked really fast, he wouldn't be able to keep up.

"What are we going to do?" Lindsay asked when they got out of earshot.

"Don't get your panties in a twist," Helga said. "Were four friends at the cheese festival. Arnold and I will try to get you two paired up on as many rides as possible, but we will have to switch it up every once in a while so he doesn't get suspicious."

It was a solid plan. Helga was so good at thinking on her feet. But Lila wasn't sure how she felt about it.

After paying for their tickets, they started at the Lunar Green Cheese ride. It was a two person car on a track that used to be a haunted house. The operators had painted everything green with holes in the cheese for craters, but the sound coming out of the speakers were all ghostly moans.

Lindsay squeezed Lila's hand. "Hey."

Lila squeezed back. "Hey." She let Lindsay rest her head on her shoulder and they enjoyed the ride.

When the ride was over, the group of four went into the The Big Cheese hut at the center of the carnival. It turned out to be a cheese museum detailing the history of cheese and how it was made.

Lila and Lindsay perused the exhibits together. They wanted to hold hands again, but Lila was hyper aware that her father was following them. They'd get their chance later.

Lila had bad memories of the Built to Hurl, but Helga insisted on going on it anyway. They stood in line far too long, and Lila just wanted to get it over with.

Lindsay rubbed her back while Lila buckled them into the car. "It's okay. I'm here."

The experience was better than Lila remembered. The ride went much slower, but was still too fast for her liking.

When they got off the ride, Lila could see her father's track suit in the crowd, trying to blend in.

"He's still following us. What are we going to do?" Lindsay asked.

"I'm hungry, let's stop off at Cheese-On-A-Stick," Helga said.

"I could go for something," Lila said.

The small group made their way over to the food court. Lila's father followed them at a distance.

Helga read the menu aloud. "You're Cheddar off without him, Forever Provolone, You Gouda be kidding me, Frankenstein's Muenster, To Brie or not to Brie, Limburger and Fries, Swiss Army Cheese..."

"That sure is a lot of cheese puns," Arnold said. He turned to look at Helga.

"That sign above the fire extinguisher even says 'In Queso Emergency'," Lila added.

"They gettin' too..." Helga elbowed Arnold in the ribs, "...Cheesy for you?"

They both laughed and Helga put her hand on Arnold's arm to stabilize herself. Lila's heart fluttered and her stomach spun.

When they finally calmed down she looked into his eyes meaningfully. "I'll gonna get a That's Not-Cho Cheese box." She gave her order first.

"I'm not really hungry, I'll have a Sampler Cheese Kabob," Lila said.

"One Sampler Kabob and I'll try the Forever Provolone," Lindsay said to the cashier. "It's my favorite kind of cheese." She smiled at Lila and paid the cashier. He retrieved their cheese and helped Arnold next.

Lindsay and Lila smiled at each other, enjoying their cheese. Lindsay put her hand on Lila's waist and Lila jumped out of her skin. She could still feel her father's gaze on her. What they were doing was not safe, not safe at all. Lila really should have paid for her own food.

Lindsay understood Lila's apprehension, and they walked to a picnic table where Helga watched Arnold while she munched on her nachos.

"Thanks for helping us, Helga."

"No problem, Linds." She looked at Arnold, who sat down across from her. "What'd you end up getting, Arnold?" Helga asked.

"Swiss Army Cheese. It came as a bunch of toy soldiers made of Swiss cheese." Arnold propped up a few on his tray and played with them while making juvenile shooting noises. "Pow! Pow! Ahhh!" It was embarrassing.

"That's awesome!" Helga said. She grabbed a couple and inspected them. "They even have holes where they've shot each other."

She started playing with them on her own tray mirroring the shooting noises he made. "Bang! Bang! Bang! Oh no." She turned the soldiers toward herself. "It's a monster!"

Arnold smiled at her with his whole face.

"Bang! Bang! Noooo!" With that, she shoved them into her mouth.

Arnold laughed. Helga smiled and grabbed two more swiss cheese soldiers.

When he got his composure, Arnold grabbed a chip from Helga's bowl, dipped it in her molten cheese, and ate it. Helga's eyes went wide and she dropped the army men she had been playing with. She was furious.

Lila could see the internal battle going on in Helga's heart. On the one hand, Arnold was her crush and he did let her eat parts of his snack. On the other, Helga never shared her food with anyone. It came from her parents never having much food in the house. The fact that she hadn't killed him was huge.

"Good call on the nachos, Helga," Arnold said.

Helga couldn't use her mouth to form words. She started shaking. Then, it was over. A look of calm washed through her. "Thanks."

"I wonder if we can get these little guys to use the nachos as shields." Arnold tried sticking a chip onto the soldier's arm using nacho cheese as glue. "Try it, Helga." He grabbed a handful and set them on her plate.

Helga started sticking the nachos to the soldiers and soon they each had an army. They had a mock battle on the table, pretending to shoot at the other and eating the casualties. Soon, they had eaten almost all of their snacks.

"Looks like I've got the last guy," Arnold said pointing to the last soldier on his tray. "I win."

Helga huffed, snatched the last soldier, and threw it in her mouth. "Monster wins again." Helga sat back with a smirk on her face.

Arnold leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table, grinning at her.

"What do you guys want to do now?" Lila asked.

"We're covering for you, what do you guys want to do?" Helga asked.

Lindsay and Lila looked at each other. "How about another ride?"

"How about we go on the bumper cars," Arnold said.

"I'll go with Helga this time." Lila grabbed Helga's elbow and smiled sadly at Lindsay.

The line for the bumper cars was pretty short. Within five minutes Lila climbed into a car with Helga. She should have felt nervous, but there was something about Helga's quiet confidence that settled Lila's nerves.

The light turned green and Helga hit the gas. The jerk forward made Lila hold tighter onto her. Helga put her arm over Lila's shoulders and pulled her closer while wheeling around. Lila felt totally safe.

"Hang on." Helga stepped on the gas and glared right at her target. They collided with another car and Lila almost flew out of her seat.

"Boom! Got you Football-head!"

Lila laughed with Helga, holding tight. She hadn't had so much fun in forever.

The ride was over much too quickly and they met Arnold and Lindsay at the exit.

"What should we do now?" Lindsay asked Lila.

"Let's play some games," Lila said.

At the midway, the group bumped into Gerald and Phoebe. Arnold and Gerald did their weird hand thing, while the girls greeted Phoebe.

"Helga, shouldn't you be studying," Phoebe asked. It wasn't really a question. more like a suggestion, bordering on an order.

"I have all weekend. Stop worrying and have fun Pheebs."

Lindsay pulled Lila away from the group to go play a game. Lila went with her, looking back over her shoulder.

"How good are you at whacking moles?"

"Oh, I'm certain I don't like violence. Especially against cute little animals."

"Well, these moles aren't real." Lindsay put some quarters in the machine and it sprang to life. She handed Lila a mallet with a smile.

The wack-a-mole game was a flurry of light and sound. Lila tried to hit the moles, but they were too fast. She only ended up hitting 7 moles to Lindsay's 25.

"You're ever so good at wacking moles, Lindsay," Lila said. "But, I think we should rejoin the group, before he gets suspicious."

Lindsay agreed and they went to the booth where Helga, Arnold, Gerald, and Phoebe were standing.

"Hey Lila, how many cheese puffs do you think is in that bag?" Helga gestured to a guessing booth. Apparently, if you guessed the exact number of cheese puffs, you got to take them home.

"I'm certain I don't know, Helga." The bag was huge. At a nearby free-throws game, there was a bag holding twenty basketballs. The cheese puff bag was bigger.

"I'm gonna be eating those puffs in less than a minute." Helga wrote an answer down and handed it to the operator with three dollars.

He looked at it, then up at Helga. "Not even close."

Arnold laughed.

"Oh yeah, Hair-boy. Why don't you give it a shot."

He shook his head. "Whatever you say." Arnold wrote an answer down and handed the slip of paper to the operator.

"He'll never get it," Helga said.

"Congratulations," the carnival operator droned. "You have guessed exactly right. The cheese puffs are yours." He handed the bag to Arnold. "Finally, I can go on a break." He pulled his phone out of his pocket and walked away from the booth.

Arnold hefted the bag over his head. "Oh man, there's no way I'm going to be able to eat all of these. I know this is a few weeks early, but why don't you take them Helga, as a birthday present."

"A birthday present!? I uh..."

"Happy early birthday."

She finally gave in and took the gift. "Thanks, Football-Head." Lila had never seen someone look so fondly at a bag of cheese puffs. Helga tore it open and grabbed a handful.

"Helga, those cheese puffs are most likely old and bound to make you sick," Phoebe said.

Helga looked at the bag again. "Expiration date hasn't passed yet," she said munching.

Phoebe sighed. "Gerald, take me on the Tunnel of Love."

"The Tunnel of Love, that's a great idea." Lindsay looked to Lila and smiled. Lila smiled back.

"The Tunnel of Love? Are you serious?" Helga asked.

"Why not?"

"Well for one there's that heteronormative barrier separating the guys from the girls. You two literally can't be paired up. Two, you can't even see who you will be paired up with. You could get a total creep, or even worse, Arnold."

Gerald chuckled. Arnold rolled his eyes.

"And three, it's like 30 seconds long, not even enough time for a good smooch. We should go on the Ferris wheel."

"Good plan, Helga," Arnold said.

"I know it's a good plan." Helga grabbed Arnold's arm and dragged him toward the line. "Come on."

Gerald and Phoebe ran off toward the tunnel ride. Helga was right. The fence separating the guys and girls was up. Lila and Lindsay joined Helga and Arnold at the Ferris Wheel.

They got on and held hands low enough so her father couldn't see them. Their seat stopped at the top.

"And now, here we are, where your dad can see us, instead of in the dark, where I can kiss you." Lindsay shuffled in her seat. "Helga kinda hijacked our date."

"She was just trying to help."

"Lila, I think we should break up."

"What!? Why!?"

"You aren't in love with me."

"So? We're still young, we don't need to be in love to be in a relationship!"

"True. But, you are in love with someone, that person just isn't me."

Helga and Arnold were on the chair below them. She tossed a cheese puff into his mouth and cheered when he caught it. She gave him a handful and he started aiming for her mouth.

Lindsay sighed.

They sat in silence for the rest of the ride. Lila should have felt bad for using her like that. But she didn't, she didn't feel anything for her. Lindsay was right.

When they got off, Lindsay moved toward the exit without looking back. "I'll walk myself home."

Lila watched, trying to remember why she had asked Lindsay out in the first place.

Some distance away, Helga pulled an inflated beach ball out of her cheese puff bag. It had to have taken up most of the space in the bag. Arnold snickered and she punched him in the arm. They were laughing together, but Lila was too far to hear.

A tear fell down Lila's cheek.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," Lila's father said. She had no idea he was there.

"I'm ever so certain you have nothing to apologize for, daddy."

"I know getting rejected hurts. I really thought that boy liked you. But there will be other boys. Maybe just not for a while, okay? For your old man?"

Lila wanted to claw his heart out. "Okay, daddy..."


	19. Helga's Prank

**Helga's Prank**

**Sophomore Year - April**

April Fool's Day, the best day of the year. The one day when Helga and Arnold actually interacted. Ever since April Fool's Day in 5th grade, they had a tradition of using the day to play pranks on each other. Helga loved it when Arnold fought back.

This year, Helga was going to reference all the tortures she had put Arnold through. She had spent the last day following him around and calling and texting his phone to announce how much time was left "...until I prank you!" Though she did get a full eight hours of sleep. She put together an auto-dialer that would call him once every half hour while she slept.

She needed to be well rested for shooting spitballs at him all day, dumping food on him, making him sit in paint, filling his locker with whipped cream, and everything else. She had even composed three poems about how dumb he was, how he was such a goody-two-shoes, and the weird shape of his head. And it would all start, poetically, with his very own trick. She already knew his locker combination, she had borrowed Phil's flash device, all she had to do was wire it up and watch the fireworks.

Helga ran giddily to her dresser to get dressed. She opened her top drawer to find all of her bras were missing. She dug around in her dresser and took her closet apart. Within five minutes, her entire wardrobe had been thrown everywhere but she couldn't find a single bra. someone had to have taken them.

That person was going to die. Nothing was off the table anymore: chemical weapons, nuclear war, nothing. Who could have done it? Phoebe and Lila had been over the night before. No, she was still wearing one when they left. It should have been draped over her desk chair, but it was gone too.

Helga fumed. It could have been anyone. She had been so focused on pranking Arnold, she didn't see whoever sneaked up into her room and took all of her bras right out from under her nose. She was forced to put on a sweatshirt and hope no one would notice. It was cold out anyway, but Helga hated that she had no choice.

The only thing that kept her going all the way to school was the thought that Arnold was going to be blinded for the better part of the day. Of course, she would offer to help him. If he let her help him, the rest of the pranks she had planned would be a lot easier to pull off. If he didn't, he still wouldn't see anything coming. It was win-win.

Helga got to school early to hook everything up. She hid in a nearby classroom awaiting Arnold's arrival.

Arnold finally stepped up to his locker five minutes before class. Helga emerged from her hiding spot so she could savor the moment. He twisted in the combination and lifted the handle. Just before he opened it, he turned around and looked right at her. He didn't see the flash, though several others got caught in the crossfire.

Arnold started a slow clap. "Nice. Try. Helga."

He may have beaten her this round, but she was way ahead. "Oh come on, Football-Head. It's not like you're ever going to get me!"

"Oh really? Tell me, Helga..." Arnold strolled up to her trying to act cool. He had to be quaking in his boots. "How're they hangin'?"

Helga's vision went red. "That was you!?" She was going to have to kill him, Hillwood would mourn his passing. It really was too bad that he had to be run over by that bulldozer while trying to drive a bus and also fighting off a lunatic river pirate. And she never got to tell him she still loved him. But it had to be done. No one touches Helga G. Pataki's underwear and lives, not even Arnold. "Where are they!?" she growled.

"In my room." Arnold said calmly. "Good luck getting in." He walked away.

"I'm going to kill you!" Helga shouted at his retreating figure.

"Worth it!" Arnold shouted back.

Helga groaned inwardly. The bulldozer-bus-river-pirate thing was poetic but unoriginal. Besides, where was she going to find a river pirate in Hillwood?

Sheena's uncle, Earl! Of course! This plan really was coming together.

Helga carried on with her pranks all day as planned. Arnold saw the paint coming a mile away. Even then, he had come prepared with a change of jeans. The spitballs didn't bother him in the least and she practically had to throw tapioca pudding at him. It was frustrating watching him foil her evil plans, there was a constant reminder that he had made her into a fool tugged on her all day. Even emptying an entire can of whipped cream into his locker didn't make her feel better. She didn't even get to the poems.

As soon as school ended, Helga ran to Arnold's building. A quick check confirmed that the front door was locked. His parents' apartment was 22 stories up. There was no way she was getting in through the window without her grappling hook. "Ugh!"

Helga went to the super's office. He had an entire set of hooks, one for every door inn the building. She spotted one for Arnold's apartment.

"Hi, I'm in Unit 2704. The people in 2705 have a dog and it's been barking it's head off all day-"

"2705? They're not supposed to have a dog." The super walked to the service elevator while Helga pretended to leave out the front door.

As soon as the service elevator's doors shut, Helga sprang back in and grabbed the keys. She shoved them into her pocket and rode the elevator to Arnold's floor.

Helga breezed into Arnold's room. She shut the door behind her and fell into his bed, letting out an involuntary sigh. She was once again in his room. What could be better?

Helga didn't have time to waste on swooning, he would be home soon. She looked in his dresser, in his closet, and under his bed but couldn't find her bras anywhere. She looked around for any clues. Arnold had upgraded his sound system, it looked noticeably more vintage. And he was clearly still building his record collection. Say what you want about the guy, he had a good ear for music. What really got her attention were the two photos on his desk. One was of the two of them at the beach over the summer before. They were standing next to each other, him smiling, her scowling. It had been cropped from a group shot, Harold's hulking frame and part of his chin were behind them. Helga would never have let Arnold take a picture of just the two of them. The Halloween thing didn't count, all those pictures were on her phone and nowhere else. Plus, she actually looked good in those.

The other photo was of just her, mad, really mad, pissed off. She was clearly screaming obscenities at the person with the camera. Helga couldn't remember what the photo was from or who might have taken it. Arnold was the obvious answer, but if Helga was honest, it could have been anyone. She had that reaction whenever anyone tried to take her picture.

Why did he have them? Was he just as in love with her as she was with him? Impossible. No, not impossible. Maybe... Helga let herself dare to dream. No, they were just a clue that the answer was on Arnold's nearby laptop. The password screen was open, practically inviting her in. Hacking into his stuff and fucking with it, that would be a good start to her revenge plan. She opened it and the password screen came on. She tried entering his birthday, it was rejected. She tried "Basketball", no dice, "Ilovehelpingpeople", now she was just grasping at straws.

She looked back at the two photos and she dreamed again. "Helga", nope. "FootballHead", wrong. "ILoveHelga", sadly, no.

She was about to give up when she got it. It was all part of the prank. She took the photo of her angry out of the frame and turned it over. "ArnoldWins" was clearly written on the back.

Helga couldn't help but laugh. She typed it into the laptop and it was accepted. Arnold's desktop wallpaper was of his stupid smug face. He was holding a sign that said 'closet ceiling'. She opened his closet to find a panel that led to the space between floors. There, she found a pillowcase. And folded neatly in the pillowcase were all of her bras. Helga snorted and shook her head. He always went easy on her, too nice of a guy to be truly mean. It would be his ultimate downfall.

She went back to his computer, activated the camera, and took a picture of herself flipping him off. Before closing it, she changed the password to "IAmHelgasBitch".

She went into his dresser and stuffed every pair of boxers into her backpack. She also grabbed one of his shirts out of his closet for herself. When she was done, the zipper almost wouldn't close. The prank was derivative of his, but that was only the tip of the iceberg. She would get him with an epic prank later. She might have to wait until the next day. Oh, the expectation that she was planning something would kill him. Then he would think he was in the clear because it would be April 2nd. Then Bam! Earl runs him over with a bulldozer. She still needed to work the bus in somehow.

The sound of the front door to the apartment opening took her out of planning an evil scheme. She threw herself under his bed in an effort to hide. She grabbed her backpack and squeezed it in with her at the last second.

Arnold entered the room and sniffed the air. "Helga," he said. "She's definitely been here."

Arnold walked over to his desk and Helga heard the sound of him putting the frame back together. Wait, did he put the picture back in it too? Wasn't it just part of the prank?

Arnold typed in a password on his laptop. Helga held back a giggle. He would never get it.

"Of course she changed the password." Arnold chuckled too. "Okay. What would Helga do?" he asked. "Not leave me any clues, that's for sure." He was right, no mercy.

"How about 'ArnoldLoses'? Okay... 'FootballHead'! Huh... It's gotta have a bad word, something meaningful, something that proves Helga is superior to me..."

There was absolutely no way he was going to get it. She would have to give it to him. He would have to work for it. Arnold may have been the man she loved, but she had no compunctions against debasing him.

"'IAmHelgasBitch'" What!? How did he get that!?

Arnold laughed. "Of course I am! And she left me another pic of her." He sat on the bed. "I wonder what she's up to." He clicked and typed on his phone for a bit.

Helga would wait. Arnold would either leave or he wouldn't. She could sleep there if she had to. Sleeping all but right next to him was the dream.

Her phone lit up when she got a message from him. [Nice prank, Helga. But you didn't really get me.]

Helga covered her mouth to hold back another laugh. He didn't even know she stole his underwear, but why was she so giddy about it? [Really? What are you going to do without boxers?]

Arnold jumped off the bed and opened the top drawer of his dresser. He laughed. "Oh she is good." He had no idea. "That can't be it, there has to be something else."

Helga got another text from Arnold. [What else?]

Helga felt playful. Let him think she did something else, he would be thinking about it for months. [If you haven't figured it out yet, I am certainly not going to tell you.] 'Certainly'? Was she picking up Lila's speech patterns or something?

Arnold chuckled to himself. [Haha! So, how did you get in here, anyway?]

[A lady never tells. How did you get into my room?]

[Its MY room, Helga. And you're a heavy sleeper.]

Someone opened the front door. "Arnold, are you here?" Shit! Arnold's mom came home early.

Arnold opened his door. "Yeah, mom."

"I need to speak with you."

Arnold sighed and walked out of his room.

Helga couldn't hear much of the discussion and what she did hear wasn't great. Helga understood that Arnold's mom wasn't happy with him wasting his time with his friends and he needed to do more to get into a good college. Arnold tried to reason with her. Helga tried to tune it out and not think about it.

Arnold eventually came back to his room and closed the door. He sat on his bed with the heavy weight of parental expectation pulling him in.

Helga texted him. [You okay?] There was no answer. He never looked at his phone.

After about a minute Helga pulled herself halfway out from under the bed. He was sitting there with his hands folded and eyes downcast. He didn't see her.

"Hey, Football-Head," she said quietly.

Arnold jumped out of his skin. The look on his face was priceless. It was the perfect final prank for April Fool's. "Helga!" he whispered. "What are you doing here?"

"I was under the bed when you came in before. You kinda caught me."

"You were under the bed all that time?"

"Yeah. I was waiting for you to take a shower or something."

Arnold's face softened. He gave her a small smile.

"That was kind of brutal," she said.

"You heard all that, huh?"

She wanted to hug him. She wanted to make it all go away. She wanted to tell him everything. How much she loved him, how April Fool's was the best day of the year, how she wanted them to be together. How he should feel proud of his accomplishments. "Uh... what happened... that sucks. I'm glad you stood up for yourself."

"...Are... all parents like that?"

"In my experience, they're worse. At least you know yours care about you." Helga knew that wasn't fair, but hoped it would make him feel better anyway. "Here's all your clothes." Helga pulled Arnold's boxers out of her backpack, secretly keeping a pair for herself. "And I won't even kill you tomorrow." She got up. "Just tell everyone I got you good and we'll call it even."

She put her hand on the doorknob before Arnold stopped her. "If my mom finds out I had a girl in my room, she'll kill me."

Helga rolled her eyes. "Don't worry, I got it." She turned the knob. and practically kicked the door open. "And if you keep me waiting that long while you have a heart-to-heart with your precious parents again, I'll have your mouth sewn shut! I will NOT do this entire science project by myself! Do you understand!?" Helga had a tenuous grasp on her feigned rage. One look at Arnold's mom and it would all be over.

"Yeah, Helga." He was holding back a small smile. "Whatever you say." He was so lucky he was cute.

"Good," Helga declared cooly. "Dr. Shortman," Helga said toward Arnold's mom without looking at her.

"Helga." Arnold's mom's voice deepened with irritation. Arnold's mom really hated Helga, especially when she ridiculed Arnold. Hopefully she would direct all of her anger at her and not him.

Helga got out of there before Arnold's mom got any madder. It was colder outside than she anticipated. She retrieved Arnold's shirt and put it on, savoring the feeling of the soft fabric. It had that familiar Arnold smell. She wore it all the way home.


	20. Stella's Son

**Stella's Son**

**The Summer After Fifth Grade - July**

Stella knew it was Arnold right away. How could she not recognize her own son? He was the perfect blend of Miles and herself. He had those boyish good looks that would turn dashing as he got older, just like his father. But when she looked at him, she saw her own eyes and head-shape.

When she finally got to embrace him again, she didn't want to let him go until he finally squirmed out of her grip and introduced her to his friends. Watch Arnold and Gerald for any length of time and you would discover that they were best friends. They had a certain honesty between them, the same camaraderie Miles had with Eduardo.

Then there was Arnold's little girlfriend, Helga. She was so shy, always sneaking around watching everything as if she didn't have an open invitation to join them. She spent the entire boat ride back to Puerto Clara trying not to stare. Or at least, she was trying to make it look like she wasn't staring.

When they arrived at the hotel, there was a loud man in the lobby, raving at a nervous clerk.

"That's highway robbery! I'm not paying that much for a room in a country I had to parachute into!"

A very tired woman stood nearby. "Oh, Bob..." she groaned. Her head wavered around like she was dizzy.

Helga dove behind a plant and peaked out between the leaves.

Phil and Gertrude were nearby, Phil provided color commentary. "And why only one mint on the pillows? What kind of hotel is this? Why not five? Or ten?"

Miles put his hand on Phil's shoulder. "Hey dad."

Phil stopped and turned to him slowly. "Miles? Stella?" He rubbed his eyes. "I don't believe it!" Phil threw his arms around both of them, he was surprisingly spry for a man of his age. "How did you- Where have you-" He inspected them to see if it was all real. "Did Arnold fly across the continent, solve an ancient mystery, and rescue you using only his boyish ingenuity and a little help from his friends?"

"Yeah, yeah he did," Miles said.

Phil slapped his knee and laughed.

"Just as the prophecy foretold." Gertrude smiled knowingly and she embraced Miles. "It is so good to have my son back." She embraced Stella too. "Both of you."

The celebration was short-lived. The big man looked at Arnold. "Ambris? You're that kid my other daughter ran off with. Where is she?"

"It's Arnold, and she's around here somewhere. She was just with-"

"Somewhere?" Bob growled. "Where's somewhere?"

Stella's eyes narrowed. Before she could step in, Helga spoke up.

"I'm right here, Bob!" She stood with her fists on her hips, shedding her timidity for a moment. "I'm fine, not that you care."

"Yeah, yeah. Just don't go running off again. I don't have the money to fly halfway around the world to save your butt every day."

Stella rolled her eyes and made sure her son was close.

The rest of Arnold's class had gathered in a nearby hall. Everyone cheered when Arnold introduced them. The group of three threw their arms around another girl when they got back to the hotel. Gerald's girlfriend by the way her hands clung to him. Kids sure were more romantically involved than when Stella was growing up. Helga dragged the other girl off and they disappeared.

Arnold and Gerald approached a group of boys Stella thought her son should avoid. One was loud, another was tall, one was short, and the last was suffering from an allergic reaction. Listening to them regale each other with their stories from the last few days, Stella could tell the boys were alright, for now.

The girls were a totally a different story. The queen bee held court by sheer force of will. She wore a wide-brimmed sun hat and dressed in designer clothing. When she didn't have a snarky comment, she explained everything the other girls said. It was a way of framing their world, though Stella didn't think she was doing it on purpose.

A sharp voice pierced Stella's mind and cleared the fog. "Hell-o! I'm Olga Pataki! I'm a student-teacher and chaperone on this trip!" She shook hands with Miles and Stella.

"Olga Pataki?" Miles asked. "You must be related to Helga."

"Oh yes! She's my baby sister!" Olga clasped her hands and practically bounced with glee. Stella wanted to think the best of people, but this person was clearly an air-head. She wanted to see who was in charge.

Olga quickly calmed down and introduced them to someone else. "And this is your son's teacher, Mr. Simmons."

Arnold's teacher was a distinguished older gentleman. Stella was glad to meet the person in charge. "Mr. Simmons, it's nice to meet you," she said.

Mr. Simmons craned his head toward them with a strange smile. "Arnold's parents! Oh my goodness! I didn't realize it was already time for parent-teacher conferences." He stood up and shook their hands. "Please come into our classroom."

Mr. Simmons led Miles and Stella to a nearby room where he had set up several makeshift desks. There was a monkey seated at each of the desks. They jumped and howled together.

"Class! Settle down!" Mr. Simmons voice was forceful, yet gentle. The monkeys calmed. "Today is a very special day. I want you all to meet Arnold's parents." The monkeys began howling again. This man was not well.

Olga slipped in behind them with a worried look on her face. "I'm sorry. He seems to be suffering from a stress-induced dissociative fugue. I studied psychology when I attended Bennington, but I'm afraid I lack the expertise to treat him."

Another enigma. This young woman was filled with youthful exuberance. But she wasn't empty-headed after all. Bennington was a prestigious university in England. She must have been quite gifted to attend.

"The man's off his rocker!" Phil interjected. "And I would know, I've been trapped with a crazy person for most of my life."

"Where is this psycho, Dutch?" Gertrude growled still wearing military fatigues and chewing a cigar in her mouth.

"Greenland," Phil deadpanned.

Gertrude charged out of the room.

"Arnold is one of my most special students," Mr. Simmons said. "So creative, excellent initiative, and he especially excels in conflict resolution."

Gertrude came back and was carrying one of the boys in her arms. "I got him, Dutch!"

"Howdy everybody!" the tall boy drawled.

"No Gertrude, that's Stinky," Olga said.

Gertrude sniffed him. "You're right. He is stinky."

"That's on a'counta' ma-"

Gertrude threw Stinky out of the room before he could finish.

"Stinky, please return to your seat," Mr. Simmons said.

It was all a bit too much for Stella. She excused herself to the restroom to catch her breath.

After splashing some water onto her face, she saw herself in the mirror. Stella spent most of her time away from civilization, she had lost any particular focus on her appearance long ago, but she her skin was pale and there were bags under her eyes as if she hadn't spent nine years sleeping. Her hair was particularly dirty. It looked like it had hosted a large family of birds.

Damn her wide-set head, when she was a child the other kids called her 'flat-face'. There wasn't a whole lot she could do about it. She puffed up her hair in the front to make her head look less oblong.

The door opened and the queen bee and her sidekick walked into the bathroom. "I just wish she had more self-confidence," the queen bee said.

The sidekick went into a stall while the queen bee joined Stella at the counter. "Bad hair day?" Queen bee asked.

Stella smiled. "No, just the usual for being out in the jungle."

She groaned, taking off her hat. "You don't have to tell me," There was a huge bald spot at the top of her head.

"What happened there?"

"I got attacked by a pirate or whatever." She set the hat back on her head. "I'm Rhonda, by the way."

"Stella." She smiled again, then went back to the mirror.

"Now That I've solved my hair issue, I think I can help with yours. It needs a wash."

"I don't-"

"I have this shampoo," Rhonda said taking a bottle of something out of her bag. "It's supposed to be good for humid weather, but all it did is instantly frizz up my hair. But I think it would work for what you're trying to do."

Stella tried to protest, but Rhonda wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. "My friend, Katrinka, has this same issue." She had Stella lie back over a sink and got her hair wet.

Rhonda's sidekick came out of the stall and washed her hands in the other sink.

"Stella, this is Nadine. She likes bugs and stuff, just like you." Her hair did resemble an arachnid. "Nadine, be a dear and help me when you're finished."

Nadine joined Rhonda in massaging the shampoo into Stella's hair. "So you're really Arnold's mom?" she asked.

"Yep, its true," Stella chuckled.

"What's the coolest insect you've seen?" Rhonda wasn't kidding about Nadine's interest in bugs.

"Most of the insects I come across are pests."

"Oh..." She seemed downtrodden.

Stella chuckled again. "I say that because I'm a botanist."

"That's flowers, right?" Rhonda asked.

"Yeah. And there are a lot of cool insect-flower relationships." Nadine perked up, so Stella continued. "Beyond the obvious flower-bee relationship, there's the acacia ant which provides protection from the acacia tree. They eat the insects that might try to eat the tree and even deter herbivores from eating the leaves."

"Fascinating," Nadine said genuinely.

"Okay, we're done with washing," Rhonda said. "Nadine, you really need another interest."

Her hair looked much better. Stella ran her fingers through the silk. But the heavy wet hair only exacerbated the problem.

"Bugs are cool, Rhonda."

Rhonda flipped a hand dryer up. "It's not much of a hair dryer, but sacrifices must be made in dire circumstances." She pressed the button.

Stella let the warm air take the the moisture away. Rhonda helped work Stella's hair. "I'm not having that argument with you again," she said. "I'm saying you need another interest in addition to bugs."

When Stella's hair was mostly dry, it looked more than a little blown out, but she could work with that.

Rhonda took out a brush and worked it through Stella's hair. "Look, all I'm saying is don't let yourself get boxed in with only liking one thing. You should have a diverse set of interests."

"Oh yeah? Maybe you should branch out from fashion," Nadine said.

"I also have party planning." Rhonda smiled at Stella and lent her the brush with a wink.

"Yeah, like those are so different," Nadine said as she opened the door to leave. Rhonda followed.

Stella had clearly misjudged her. The girl was tough as nails and though she was very focused on appearance, she was also generous and thoughtful of others.

She finished styling her hair into something passable and joined the rest of the group. Miles gave her that disarming smirk. "Your hair looks nice."

"Thank you."

Arnold had just finished regaling his class with the story of their adventure. "And it wouldn't have been possible without Helga." He put a hand on her shoulder and gave her a smile.

Helga swooned. She was such a cream puff, such a sweet girl.

Then Helga's eyes darted around the room. Without warning, she exploded. "Get away from me, you football-headed freak!" She pushed Stella's son away from her.

The room fell into silence. Everyone gawked at the scene. Arnold looked at the floor, heartache dripping from his hands. Helga had her fists on her hips and turned away. Why wasn't anyone doing anything?

Stella's heart pounded on her ears. "Wow..."

Helga instantly went stiff.

Stella took a moment to ponder how responsible an eleven year old girl was for her actions. It clearly wasn't the first time that had happened. She had that insult ready to go and everyone reacted like they had been expecting it. She needed a good talking-to. Though, given her parents, any good discussion on manners would go unheeded.

Her mind went to one boy in her own 5th grade class who was particularly insistent that her head had once been squished by a steamroller. She always kicked herself for having a crush on him in spite of the name-calling.

That kiss in the Green-Eyes city left a sour taste in her mouth. Stella has clearly misjudged Helga.

"Whatever you say, Helga." Arnold walked away like it didn't bother him, but Stella knew better. She had gone through it herself. She knew exactly how that name hurt her son.

Stella crossed her arms over her chest and gave Helga a disapproving glare. Helga ran off. She wouldn't be getting close to Stella's son again.


	21. Harold's Jacket

**Harold's Jacket**

**Sophomore Year - April**

The guys were in place. Patty was on her way to get Rhonda. The plan was going well. Harold needed everything to be perfect.

His clothes were nice and perfectly ironed by his mom. He had his letterman jacket on, proving he was on the football team and everything. Popular girls always went out with football players, it was what happened in all the movies.

His timing was good too. Every time he had seen Rhonda in the last few months, she had smiled at him. That was a good sign.

Patty had the later lunch period since they were the same age but she hadn't been held back as many years as Harold had. She told him where he should set up so that as many people as possible could be there to see. He knew Rhonda loved being the center of attention.

She and Patty led them down the hall. A bunch of other popular girls were with her. That was even better, Rhonda would be get all the attention around the most-popular girls. She'd love that. Nothing could go wrong.

The guys launched into the backup vocals of the classic song "Go With Me Rhonda" by The Shore Men. "Go with me Rhonda. Go- Go with me Rhonda."

Harold belted out the verses as best he could, his voice cracking a few times. He sang as loudly as he could walking around her and pointing at Rhonda as much as possible. Finally, on the last verse, he dropped to one knee and offered her a bouquet of flowers Stinky had slipped him mid-song. "So, will you be my girlfriend?"

"No," Rhonda said flatly. "Are you done?"

"What?" Harold got back to his feet. "I did all this for you."

"So?" Rhonda put her hands on her hips. "If I went out with every guy who embarrassed himself in front of me, I may as well go out with every guy in school."

"But... this is me." It wasn't supposed to go this way, she was supposed to take his hand in that classy way she did everything and drive off with him. "Y- You said-"

"Oh my god," one of the other girls said. "Rhonda, do you know this boy?"

Rhonda rolled her eyes. "Of course not. You know how it is, Mary. Random guys who don't even know you have deluded themselves into thinking they can make some grand romantic gesture and that you'll be so overwhelmed with passion, you'll give yourself to them right then and there." She sighed. "I recall it happened to you twice last week."

The other girl smirked. "Of course." She and the other popular girls looked at him with contempt.

Harold didn't care about any of that. He only cared about what Rhonda thought. And she didn't seem to like it. Maybe he should have done it in secret, she had always kept their relationship a secret.

Rhonda slipped past him and found Patty. Her lip was quivering for some reason and her hands were balled into fists.

Rhonda put a hand on Patty's shoulder and lead her away from him. She turned her head over her shoulder one last time. "You need to think about other people's feelings, Harold."

She walked away, everyone walked away. People said things he didn't really hear. Harold was left standing there, alone.

He found Patty again, at her locker after school.

"I don't get it, Patty. What happened?"

She looked at him for all of a second before turning away "I need to get to..." Patty stormed off clutching her bag to her chest.

Harold groaned and trudged out of school to his car.

He had opened the door when a familiar voice called out. "Hey Harold,"

"Hey Arnold," Harold sighed. "So I guess you saw all that, huh."

Arnold leaned against Harold's car next to him. "Yeah, pretty brutal."

"Now even Patty won't talk to me."

"That's because she wanted to go out with you-"

"But, I don't even like Patty like that."

"And Rhonda doesn't like you like that."

"But she used to! And I did everything she told me to do." Harold groaned. "I quit my job, I worked really hard at football, and I got nice clothes. And for what? Just so she could reject me like that!?"

"No." It sounded like Arnold was asking a question to the universe. "No," he said more confidently. "You can't think about it that way. You're a great guy, so you move on to someone else."

"But I did all this for her." Harold's head pounded. "How am I supposed to get her back now?"

"You don't get her back. If she doesn't want to be with you, you move on."

Harold groaned. "Arnold! You're giving me a headache!"

Arnold nodded his head. "Think about it, Harold. It's the only thing that makes sense." He finally went away, taking all of his confusing words with him.

Harold knew what he had to do. He drove to the butcher's shop without stopping to get something to eat. His apron was still in his trunk. He tied it around himself and went into the shop.

The bell on the door frame rang at his arrival. Everything was right where it was supposed to be. Mr. Green was behind the counter cutting pork chops. There was only one customer in the store and they were looking at the beef cutlets.

Harold took a deep breath. "Mr. Green, I'm ready to come back to work."

Mr. Green looked up at him through his glasses, then back down and shook his head. "Harold, I'm not letting you come back to work for me."

"What!?" Harold has his apron on an everything.

"Harold, you need to understand. You made your choice. You chose football."

"But I said I'd come back once the season was over."

"When did it end? December? And what month is it now? April?"

Harold groaned. "I've been working so hard for so long. I needed a break!"

A man stepped out from the back room started laying strips of seasoned meat into a section of the display.

"Thanks Raul."

"Who's that?"

Mr. Green rested the knife on the cutting block and stepped up to the counter. "I need someone I can count on. This is your problem, Harold. You need to learn to dedicate yourself to something and stick with it."

Harold got on his knees and begged. "I'll work full time! I'll quit school! I'll do anything!"

Mr. Green sighed. "No." He went back to cutting the chops.

Harold groaned, giving up. It wasn't fair. No one let him do anything. He walked out the door to the bell ringing again.

Without anywhere else to go, Harold went home. Cupcake meowed at him when he got back to his room. At least he wanted Harold around. Not like everyone else.

He took off his letter jacket. There was a big block 'H' on it. His number was on the sleeve with a little football patch under it.

He went to all the practices, he worked really hard, and coaches still never let him start. They barely even let him play. Then they gave him the jacket. He wasn't proud of it anymore.

No wonder Rhonda rejected him, he didn't get the chance to do anything.

Some of the kids at school talked about how Helga had left home, and she was a lot younger than him. Harold could do it too. Except he wasn't going back to school. The coaches didn't want him, Mr. Green didn't want him, even Patty didn't want him. Arnold was right, he needed to move on.

Cupcake meowed, looking up at him. His fur was soft and warm. He purred at Harold petting him.

Harold picked him up and held him for the last time.

He didn't say good-bye to his parents. There was no way his mom would let him leave even though he was 19. She would say stuff like he's abandoning his mother. And his dad would tell him it's a bad idea. He'd ask what Harold was going to eat and where he would live and tell him he had to finish high school if he was going to make something of himself. They wanted him to stay at home forever.

He left them a note and promised to call soon.

Harold packed up his car with all his most-important stuff, unsure how far it was going to be able to take him. But he wasn't coming back.


	22. Phoebe's Brain

**Phoebe's Brain**

**Freshman Year - October**

Phoebe scurried down the school clutching three applications in her hands. She found Helga and Lila waiting for her in their usual spot.

"Hey Phoebs."

"Um..."

Lila and Helga looked at Phoebe, waiting for her to complete her thought. Various scenarios detailing how to make her request ran through her head.

Helga quickly lost patience. "What is that?" She must have noticed the paper in her hands.

"These are applications... for an extracurricular activity."

"What extracurricular activity?" Lila asked.

"Academic team. They need smart people and I think I'd be good..."

"Sounds great, Phoebs," Helga said in her usual disinterested tone. "You should go for it."

"I'm oh too sure that's perfect for you."

"If I were to be accepted to the team my schedule would be quite occupied, especially during the spring semester." Phoebe dug her toe into the ground. "I wouldn't get to see you guys nearly as much."

"That's... okay. We're..." Lila's eyes went to Helga. "both still certain you should join, Right, Helga?"

Helga's eyes we're slowly widening and she was holding her breath.

"However, there are three spots available. I was thinking we could join together. That way we could be together during our study time."

Helga relaxed. "I don't know, Phoebs. I was thinking about joining the volleyball team, Bob's paying me to work at the store, and I have a bunch of other stuff going on." Gee, wonder what the 'other stuff' was. "I don't know if I have time."

Phoebe deflated. She didn't want to join without them, but she also really wanted to join. Helga had been her best friend since she could remember.

"I'd love to join with you, Phoebe." Lila beamed a smile at her.

"Really?"

"Yeah it sounds like fun."

"Seriously?" Helga gawked at Lila. "Oh my god, I can't believe I'm about to do this," she murmured, slapping her face.

"Helga y-"

"Okay! Okay! Fine! But if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this right. You need to be a shark, Phoebe. No more meek 'excuse me, I think I might have the answer' crap. You shove right through the competition and take the win." Helga clenched her fist. "Got it?"

"I think so."

"Ugh! This is what I'm talking about. Don't 'think'. No 'maybe's. No waffling. Take what you want!"

"I want us to go to the library and submit our applications right now."

"And I want waffles. What of it?"

"You... can get waffles... after we go to the library."

Helga only stared at her. Lila had a confused expression.

"Let's go?" Phoebe took a few steps back toward the school. Strangely Lila and Helga followed. Maybe there was something to this 'shark' thing.

* * *

**Sophomore Year - May**

Phoebe's head throbbed with pain. Aspirin was ineffective, she would have to endure the discomfort. She needed to be the best. She had to have the highest grades, nothing short of perfection. Phoebe was the best and she would prove it. Olga Pataki had nothing on her.

"Solve this equation." Phoebe held up a trigonometric function and her team went to work. City-wide finals were only a week away. They needed to be ready.

The graphite in Helga's pencil squeaked on the paper. It grated on Phoebe's teeth, she wondered if Helga was doing it on purpose. She needed to solve the function, not annoy the entire library. Lila worked quietly, but slowly. She had the most trouble with math. They both needed to study. While Phoebe loved her friends, Lila and Helga constantly wanted to do things that had nothing to do with academic success: shopping, sleepovers, watching women's mixed martial arts matches.

Phoebe ran through her day plan in her head again. She had studying with the team until 5, then she needed to practice piano until 7, then meet Gerald for their date, then she needed to finish her homework, and finally get to sleep by 9. She never actually got to sleep by 9, homework always ran until 11 at the earliest. Four AP classes meant at least four hours of homework at the minimum. Sleep was the one thing she could sacrifice. She would already be deficient two hours since she had to be up early for fencing practice with her father.

Her father had insisted on piano lessons. She didn't like the piano, her love had always been for the cello. It's rich sound reminded her of trees with deep roots, very unlike the ones in the city. But her father only gave her the choice of piano or violin, and violin felt like a betrayal.

Siobahn put her pencil down and looked at her work. She chanced a quick glance at Phoebe, then glued her eyes to her paper.

Phoebe was not going to let the girl disappear. "Siobahn, do you have the answer?"

A squeak came from her side of the table.

Phoebe squeezed her pen. "If you have the answer, you should have knocked on the table."

Another squeak. Siobahn sank further into her chair.

Phoebe set her jaw. "What is the answer? And say it loudly."

"seven pi over six." Siobahn whispered.

"I said 'loudly'!"

"Seven Pi Over Six," Siobahn cried. She broke down in tears.

Phoebe rolled her eyes. "How hard was that?"

"Whelp! That was fun, but I need to go," Helga slung her bag over her shoulder and rose from her chair.

"Helga, we still need to practice," Phoebe said.

"It's been two hours and I have an app- stuff to do."

"And, I have a boyfriend waiting for me. We all have 'stuff' to do."

"It's a doctor's appointment, Phoebe."

"That's awfully convenient."

Helga cocked her head. "What is this about, Phoebe? We're going to wipe the floor with those prep-school wussies."

"You are absolutely right. We will. I will make sure of that." Phoebe gave Helga her best glare. "Sit down."

Helga rolled her eyes. "I need to go."

"You NEED to stay." Phoebe stood in Helga's way.

"I have been working arduously for months, years." Why couldn't Helga understand what this meant to her. Helga had been bulldozing her plans for years. Phoebe always had to take it upon herself to force her to take the team seriously, her supposed 'best friend'. "This means everything to me!"

"Everything? You're wasting your life, Phoebe!" Helga shouted. "Who cares about academic decathlon? Who cares how many AP classes you took in high school! It's not worth-"

"How dare you!? I am not wasting my life! My success in high school will get me in to an Ivy League college!"

"And then what!? Study until you fall unconscious!? For what!?"

"Then I get a top position in whatever career I want!"

"And then what!? Work 100 hours a week at a job you will absolutely grow to hate!? Because you know if you don't work 100 hours per week someone else will! Then you'll only be second-best! So you work every hour that you don't sleep! What then!?"

Phoebe squeezed her eyes shut.

"You won't have any time for your family or friends! What's it all for!? Money!? You won't even have a single free second to spend it! Can't take a vacation, someone else might put in more hours than you! So what? You make yourself a slave-"

"Fuck You!" Phoebe shouted. Her voice echoed through the air as if everyone in the world heard her.

Helga snorted.

"If you refuse to take this seriously, then leave!" Phoebe didn't need Helga, she was only holding the team back.

Helga growled. "I don't need this right now."

"Then go."

Helga left the library making a rude gesture over her shoulder.

Phoebe settled back into her seat at the table. "All of you will review trigonometric functions. I want that equation solved in half the time." She allowed herself to take a breath. "Let's move on to Literature." They would need to study harder since they lost their best teammate on the subject.

"Let's take a break," Lila suggested.

Phoebe glared at her. "No."

"Five minutes."

"I'm setting a timer," Phoebe huffed.

The rest of the team looked at their phones. Peter set his forehead on the table, trying to get a moment of respite. Lila led Phoebe out of the library entirely. Once outside, they walked down the sidewalk, around the corner, and down an alley. There was trash and an empty homeless encampment. This was very strange behavior for Lila.

Lila produced a white stick from out of nowhere and put it in her mouth. Then, she produced what had to be, but couldn't be, a lighter, and used it to light the stick on fire. She sucked in through the stick and blew smoke out of her mouth. Phoebe couldn't believe it.

"Lila! I didn't know you smoked cigarettes!"

"I'm certain I don't."

Phoebe pointed out the thing she held between her fingers. "Clearly, you do."

"I don't usually." Lila sighed. "This is only my sixth one."

"Today!?"

"No! Ever." Lila sucked through the cigarette again and blew the smoke out. "I only have one when I get stressed."

"You're stressed about the competition too, huh. Why didn't you say anything to Helga?"

"No. My two best friends are fighting and that makes me just..." Lila closed her eyes and sucked through the cigarette between her lips. "...ever so sad."

"I feel I should remind you how detrimental smoking is for your health. Smoking-"

"Adults just tell us that so we won't try it. Having one every once in a while is fine."

"Until you become addicted."

"So don't get addicted."

There was a long pause. Lila had excellent willpower, however, everything Phoebe had learned about smoking told her addiction was inevitable. Still, Phoebe knew she herself had enough willpower to resist any addiction she might come across. So it was certainly possible Lila could resist as well, especially if she only smoked on occasion.

"Mind if I try it?"

Lila offered the smoldering stick between her index and middle fingers. Phoebe pinched it with her fingertips and cautiously put the end that wasn't burning into her mouth.

She sucked in as hard as she could for less than a second. The smoke burned everything in her mouth, throat, and lungs. She could feel it coming out of her eyes. Phoebe immediately coughed everything out, desperate to get fresh air.

"She's hiding something," Lila said, taking the cigarette back.

"She is usually hiding something."

"Not like this. We can tell when she doesn't want to talk, but she can never manage to hide a secret from us for long." Lila looked strangely sad. "Something's going on."

"What makes you say that?

"She didn't mean anything she said. I mean, she did, but she was reaching out, you know? Trying to tell you something without telling you." Lila took a long puff. "And now she has a surprise doctor's appointment."

"Yeah, I'll believe that when I see the note."

"It's either something really bad or..." Lila took one last puff and dropped the cigarette. "I don't know if we should be worried."

Phoebe's phone alarm sounded, indicating 5 minutes had passed. They needed to get back to practice. True to her word, Lila made her way back inside, Phoebe followed. They took their seats at the table. Her team looked at her.

She thought about what Gerald was doing. Probably hanging out with Arnold, or playing basketball in the park, or playing video games. What Phoebe wouldn't do to just hang out with friends, feel the sun on her face, find contentment in doing something that would accomplish nothing. How long had it been since she got to read something that wasn't an assignment, something she wanted to read?

She thought about the future. Gerald giving her a massage while she read a book for fun. What else did married people do? They went out to eat and had stimulating conversation. They dressed up and listened to the Hillwood Orchestra play Vivaldi. That was what Phoebe was aiming for and she would do it all on Gerald's arm.

Phoebe's mind kicked her. Everyone at the table was staring. How long had it been? A loose lock of hair had extruded itself from her bun. She fixed it and glared at them. "Everyone go home."

"Are you sure, Phoebe?" Lila asked. If it had been anyone else...

"Yes. We will meet tomorrow at the exact same time, at the exact same location." Most of the team packed their stuff and ran out the library. Only Lila was left, waiting by the door.

"I'll walk you home."

"I'm not going home. There's something I have to do."

Lila frowned. "Text me later?"

"Yes, of course."

Phoebe and Lila went in the opposite directions. She knew exactly where she was going. She always did what she needed to do. And she needed to do it alone.

After it was done, Phoebe knocked on Helga's door. Gertrude answered. "Ahhh..." She adjusted her glasses, squinting. "Oh, it's you, Dr. Morgan! So good to see you. Has NASA been founded yet?"

Phoebe was always flattered to be compared to a rocket scientist. And it was refreshing to hear the name of a female scientist other than Marie Curie. "Hello Gertrude, is Helga home?"

"Eleanor? Why yes. She's upstairs." She welcomed Phoebe in. "I'm sure you important ladies need to discuss important issues. Should I expect Ms. Swenson will be joining you?"

"No-" Phoebe thought for a moment. She couldn't see herself lasting much longer without Lila, and she did owe her a text. "Yes, she will be joining us."

"Oh, that's nice." Gertrude smiled. "I'll be sure to send up some cookies."

While Phoebe climbed the stairs to Helga's room, she pulled out her phone and texted Lila. It went right back into her pocket and she knocked on the door. "Helga..."

A few quick 'boom's heralded Helga's answer. She threw the door open. "Phoebe!?"

"Greetings Helga. I want to apologize for my behav-"

"I'm sorry!" Helga pulled Phoebe into a bear-hug, lifting her off the ground and carrying her into the room. "I'm so sorry. I never should have said those things."

"Be that as it may, I have come up with a solution that should satisfy all parties."

Helga only stared at Phoebe like she wanted to say something, but couldn't.

"I have ended my romantic relationship with Gerald." Phoebe didn't want to cry, she really didn't.

Tears began welling up in Helga's eyes. "Phoebe..." She held her. "No. You can't."

"It's already done." Try as she might, Phoebe was unable to control her quivering lip.

Helga grabbed her and pulled her in close. "Tell him you take it back! Tell him you're on your period! You're just PMSing!"

"Helga." Phoebe sobbed into her shirt.

"Anything! You can't break up with him for me!"

"It wasn't for you. It was for me."

"But-"

Phoebe rubbed her eyes. "I have been very stressed with school, and activities, and friends, and a boyfriend. I was unable to juggle all of it, and I took it out on one of my best friends."

"That's okay. I can take it! I-"

"It's for the best, Helga. I'll be fine eventually." And she would. Conservation of mass proved her body could only produce so many tears.

* * *

**Earlier**

An exhausted Helga looked at the prescription form in her hands. It was a glorified permission slip. Why the fuck would she need Bob or Miriam's permission?

One more bullshit thing to deal with. Phoebe was being totally unreasonable. People have appointments sometimes and they don't have to fill everyone in on every little detail.

Helga opened the door to the Sunset Arms. A bunch of animals ran out. Inside, someone was yelling. She went to the kitchen to find Gertrude wearing a big white cowboy hat, waving her arms around, and yelling gibberish.

"That you, Helga?" Gertrude yelled in a gruff tone. If she had been in a better mood, she would have laughed. "Everyone has to do what I say!"

Helga didn't have the patience for this. She had already had a full day of school, studying, and being prodded at by a doctor. The only thing that stopped her from going right up to her room was the fact that Gertrude had used her real name for the first time ever. "Wait, who are you, again?"

"I'm Big Bob Pataki!" Gertrude bragged. "I'm the boss around here!"

It was a pretty good impression of Bob. It should have been a belt instead of a hat and she should be calling her 'Olga'. But the rest was spot-on. Helga was sure he had said those exact words at some point in his life. They only served to remind her of the people she was trying to escape. "Gertrude, I don't need this right now."

"Who's Gertrude!? I'm Big Bob, owner of Big Bob's Electronic Emporium."

"That's great, Bob." Fuck it, Helga handed Gertrude the prescription form. "Sign this." It wasn't like it mattered anyway.

"What's all this?" Gertrude adjusted her glasses and studied the form. "Burn control, huh? And just who are you planning on getting burned with?"

Fuck! She wasn't supposed to actually read it. Helga thought it was a dumb game. Somehow, Gertrude knew full well what was going on.

"It's for acne... and I have really bad periods!"

"Don't you try to pull one over on me, miss-missy. Yer forgettin' who yer talkin' to."

Helga took a step back. For a split second she was sure she was talking to Bob. Was Gertrude channeling him or something?

She shook the thought off. That was impossible. She was stupid for letting the very thought cross her mind. But, clearly, Gertrude wasn't playing around.

"The- There's this boy..." Helga stammered, hoping she would be satisfied without his name. "We haven't!... yet... I just want... to be... prepared..."

Gertrude-Bob regarded her for a moment. "No daughter of mine is going to be unsafe!" She signed the form using a perfect facsimile of Bob's handwriting.

Gertrude stared Helga down with the prescription in her hands. "Hold on! Do you know how to use this, little lady?"

"Take a pill once a day, it's not hard."

"Burns are serious business. Are you sure you're ready."

"I'm ready."

"Okay, if you're sure you're ready." Gertrude handed the form back. "Just tell that Oswald kid to keep it down."


End file.
